Sex VS Coffee & Croissants
by bellasiennanemo
Summary: Nella is back and Beverly is going. The order of chapters has been fixed.
1. Chapter 1

**I used poetic licence, having never visited one of the places in this story. Well, come to think of it, I haven't actually visited the Enterprise either… **

**If you want to read this story with its proper formatting and others that I've written too, **

**check my profile for my website address. Thanks**

**Sex VS **

**Coffee & Croissants**

**Chapter One**

Beverly sat alone in the mess hall on the Enterprise E nursing her drink in one of the small private booths. The ship was not moving, they were stationary while Stellar Cartography mapped out the newly formed nebula outside. It was a spectacular sight, but Beverly wasn't interested in the view. She was furtively watching Jean-Luc Picard who sat at a table on the other side of the room, while he ate dinner with Nella Daren. She heaved a sigh and turned back to her drink and wondered why she tortured herself like this, night after night. It was bad enough that Jean-Luc was dating Nella again, but why she had to follow them to the mess hall every time she learned they were eating there together, she didn't know. It was with some kind of morbid fascination that made her sit there, watching Nella, analysing the easy way in which she talked, laughed and flirted with Jean-Luc. Every time she saw the way Nella casually brushed her fingers over Jean-Luc's hand, it felt as though someone had reached into Beverly's stomach and squeezed with all their might. What hurt more was how open he was being about this relationship. Of course, he and Nella weren't kissing in the corridors, but they were seen out together all the time.

Jean-Luc had never noticed Beverly sitting in her favourite corner booth. He was too wrapped up in Nella to realise that Beverly was in the mess hall every time he ate there in the evenings. He hadn't noticed that Beverly had disappeared from his life because he had someone new. He had someone to fill his life.

Beverly didn't. The void left in her life after Jean-Luc had gone was huge and Beverly felt like she was standing on the edge and that at any moment, she would fall in.

"Come with me," a voice said softly at her shoulder.

Beverly jumped; she hadn't even heard someone approach. Looking up, she was surprised to see Deanna Riker standing there. Deanna's inky eyes were filled with such compassion that Beverly, who had held on to her emotions for so long, suddenly felt on the verge of tears.

"Come on," Deanna said, holding out her hand.

Beverly's bottom lip trembled as she took Deanna's hand. Deanna led her friend out of the room, walking around the edge, careful to avoid anyone who would notice that the doctor was upset. Beverly firmly fixed her eyes on the carpet, relying on Deanna to guide them. They didn't speak; Deanna led her along, all the way to Beverly's quarters.

Once inside, Deanna sat Beverly on the couch.

"When did you get here?" Beverly asked softly. She had composed herself a little during the walk to her quarters.

"About ten minutes ago," Deanna said, sitting down beside her. "I have sent you about a million messages and you haven't replied to a single one. I got worried."

"I'm okay," Beverly answered in a small voice. "I've been meaning to get back to you. I've been busy."

"I didn't come all the way here for you to lie to me Beverly," Deanna said softly. "I know you; I know you wouldn't go to the new counsellor for help."

"I don't need help…" Beverly said, immediately on the defensive.

"Nella Darren is back," Deanna interrupted, holding up a hand. "Geordi told me. He called me Beverly. Geordi isn't the most observant person around here, especially where women are concerned and _he_ called me to tell me you've not been yourself for a while. Why didn't you call me and tell me?"

"And say what?" Beverly asked, annoyed. "Jean-Luc's got a girlfriend? What can you do about it? What can anyone do about it? And Geordi should keep his nose out of _my_ business."

Deanna waited, composing herself. "Geordi cares about you. He did the right thing. Now you mention it, why didn't _you_ do something about it? Why didn't you talk to the captain?"

Beverly's head shot up and she glared at the counsellor. "What exactly was I supposed to say?" she asked angrily.

"Tell him how you feel?" Deanna winced as Beverly hurled a tirade of abuse, punctuated with plenty of swearwords, and a few Deanna hadn't even heard before.

"… and I didn't think it would last! She's been here for over ten months now!" Beverly finished.

Deanna let Beverly rant, absorbing Beverly's pain. "It might not last."

"She would never have left her old position as Head of Stellar Sciences at Starfleet HQ to take a demotion for the position here if it was just a fling! This is serious."

Deanna reached over and rubbed Beverly's forearm. Beverly yanked her arm away, standing up suddenly. She ran a shaky hand through her hair.

"Will told me that you'd applied for the position of CMO on the Titan," Deanna said slowly.

"I can't stay here," Beverly said quickly. "I have to go Deanna…"

Deanna was surprised when she realised Beverly had literally given up on the man she loved and would do anything just to get away. "This has to be a rash decision…"

"It is _not_ rash. I've thought of nothing else for months," Beverly answered. She turned away from Deanna, lifting her hand to cover her mouth; she lost control and let out a sob. "I can't stay here… I just can't."

Deanna got up and wrapped Beverly in her arms, "It will be okay…"

"No it won't," the doctor answered. "I let this happen. I screwed everything up! He's all I ever wanted and I didn't do anything about it and now it's too late."

"You could try and tell him how you feel…" Deanna said softly.

Beverly pulled back and gave Deanna an incredulous look, "You're kidding!" she exclaimed. "You expect me to go to him and tell him right out of the blue that I love him? How would you feel if someone came to you and told you that after you married Will?"

"It's different," Deanna answered.

"How is it different?" Beverly demanded. "The only difference is he hasn't put a ring on Nella's finger."

"Not that," Deanna said patiently. "The captain has had feelings for you for decades. He wouldn't throw you out on your ear and certainly wouldn't dismiss you without hearing everything you have to say. Then he would have a serious decision to make."

"What, like who should he choose?" Beverly rolled her eyes. "The fake redhead who can play the piano exquisitely, who fascinates him with her musical talent, who is beautiful, witty, clever and who drops her panties within a week of meeting him! Alternatively, the redhead who he's known for years and has never once dropped anything for him! Not even a god damn sock!"

Deanna bit her lip to stop herself giggling at Beverly's choice of words, "The redhead who he has known for years, who is more beautiful than the other redhead and has aged better, witty, clever, mischievous, shrewd, savvy, strong, sexy… and some other cool things beginning with S. The redhead who teases him, makes him blush… makes him have rather exotic daydreams and night dreams. The redhead that can make his heart skip a beat with a smile and the redhead I suspect he fell in love with at first sight all those years ago."

Beverly shook her head, "How do you know I've aged better… You only saw the back of her head."

Deanna had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. "Stop putting yourself down. This isn't like you Beverly. You're normally the tough one who doesn't like to show anyone her weaknesses…" She could tell that Beverly's reaction was a combination of hurt, jealousy and anger.

Beverly took a deep breath, "It's a kick in the teeth for me that she's even a redhead… Not even a natural one," the doctor heaved a sad sigh. "It doesn't matter now. I'm sorry, but I can't walk in there and tell him how I feel when he is seeing someone else. It's not in me. I would never want to hurt someone like that. I can't bear the woman, but I would never intentionally hurt her or put her relationship in danger… I have morals. I would never put Jean-Luc in that position either."

"So instead you are going to run away?"

"I'm not running away," Beverly snapped. "I'm moving on. I just don't want to be near them. If I leave, I'll get over it sooner."

"I think you should stay, "Deanna said softly. "You're going to take away the one thing that will remind him who he truly loves."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?" Beverly asked sarcastically.

"If he did decide to end his relationship with Nella for you, you wouldn't be with him."

"I would…" Beverly said hesitantly.

Deanna knew she was right. "No, you wouldn't. Don't deny it Beverly. If you were capable of being in a relationship with him now, why didn't you begin years ago? Why did you walk out the day you properly realised he loved you?" Deanna said, she paced the room thinking.

"I don't know…" Beverly softly answered.

"You're frightened of something… You always have been. You were the same with Ambassador Odan, but he was a different because he was new. You hadn't built up this…" Deanna frowned, trying to come up with the right words. "This whole…" she paused and started again. "Well Odan hadn't had the effect on your life that the captain has. You knew inside you would never be as hurt as you would be if something happened to Odan as you would be with the captain. You were able to let yourself go and fall in love. Odan came along and _complimented_ the life you already had, the captain _is_ your life. You and he live almost as husband and wife without the intimacy shared between lovers. When Odan's body died and when he left the ship, you were in pain, there is no doubt about that, but he didn't leave a gaping chasm in your life after he left."

Beverly heaved a sigh and sank down on the couch next to her friend. "Jean-Luc is here on this ship," she said softly. "He's still there where he has always been, but he's still managed to leave that chasm in my life," she swallowed, trying hard not to break down. "I don't see him anymore for breakfast or dinner. We don't spend hours on our days off on the holodeck having fun. We don't play chess or kal'toh together anymore. I don't accompany him to gatherings or functions. He doesn't come with me to watch plays in the ships theatre… It's like we've gotten divorced, only there were no fights and no one told me about it."

"And he's cheating on you and flaunting it in your face."

"Yeah," the doctor's simple word was full of agony.

Deanna watched Beverly's hands as she spoke; they were shaking as the doctor fought to maintain control of her emotions. The last time she and Beverly had spoken like this about Beverly's love life, Odan had been the man in question. Deanna could remember that encounter in Ten Forward, back on the Enterprise D, as if it were yesterday. She had never seen Beverly as vulnerable before or since as she had done that day until now.

"Deanna," Beverly said desperately, turning to face her friend. "Jean-Luc doesn't need me anymore. He has someone for all those things… he just doesn't need me anymore and he doesn't realise I still need him..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

"I'm going to make you a deal," Will Riker said slowly and seriously through the screen of her computer.

"What kind of deal?" Beverly asked, stirring sugar into her coffee. It had been almost two weeks since Deanna had paid her that surprise visit in the mess hall. Beverly had pulled herself out of the dangerous slump she had been in and had stopped following Jean-Luc to the mess hall in the evenings just to torture herself. She wasn't over her melancholy by any means, but she had begun to look forward to leaving the Enterprise and that part of her life behind. She was confident that she would get the post on the Titan.

"I don't think you have thought this through properly," Will said.

"I have Will," Beverly said instantly.

"People who are at the top most peak of their career path don't usually leave the flagship of the Federation unless they are taking a promotion at headquarters."

"I don't care about that," Beverly answered.

Will watched Beverly's face. Although she said the words, he saw the almost imperceptible twitch of her jawline as she spoke. "Well I'm not so sure, so that's why I am making you this deal."

"What _is_ the deal?"

"You can come here as CMO for six months," he said. "Wait, hear me out," he added quickly when Beverly opened her mouth to protest. "It will be put down as a sabbatical, a little change of scenery for you. However, your position on the Enterprise will not be affected and if at the end of those six months you want to go back to the Enterprise, you can. If you do want to stay here on the Titan, then by all means you will be welcome. I just can't let you leave your position on the Enterprise Beverly," he said softly. "It's a rash decision born out of heartache rather than using your head. It's not like you."

Beverly swallowed, realising that Deanna had probably spoken to him at length about her problems with Jean-Luc.

"At least this way, you won't be making a permanent mistake," he continued. "I care about you and I want to help you, maybe a six month break is all you need."

"Okay," Beverly agreed, glad that at least one person around her was being rational. "When do you want me?"

"Have you even told the captain?" Will asked.

"No," Beverly answered. "I hadn't got a decision from you until now."

"Well…," Will said slowly. "He is going to want to know why you're leaving."

"Of course," Beverly answered. "It's just a sabbatical."

"It wasn't a sabbatical five minutes ago," Will narrowed his eyes, shaking his head with mirth. "The Titan will rendezvous with the Enterprise in three days at Eisas. So pack your bags, we're coming to get you."

"Aye aye Captain," Beverly smiled, feeling relieved that she would be able to get away from this place at last. She would get away from Jean-Luc and be reunited with her best friends Will and Deanna. She then would have friends to hang around with when she was off duty because ever since Will and Deanna had married and transferred, Data had died and Worf had also moved on, Beverly was left on the high perch of senior staff alone with Geordi. Even Geordi had finally settled down with a pretty young engineer and didn't have time for her anymore. There were no more poker games. The new influx of senior staff tended to hang around together because they were all new and had started in their positions around the same time. They were also much younger than she was and into different things. They were nice enough to her, but it just wasn't the same anymore. And now that she had lost Jean-Luc to Nella Daren, she felt completely isolated in her lofty position as chief medical officer.

"Now," Will said, looking down at a data pad he held in his hands. "What do you want me to do here Beverly?" he asked. "Do you want to break the news to the Captain yourself or do you want me to break it to him with the official seal of the Titan on the transfer form? You said Dr Selar is in place to take over from you on the Enterprise… It's up to you?"

Beverly didn't think she could stomach the idea of broaching the subject herself. "Do the form," she answered.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"I am sending it through now," he said tapping a few commands into his pad. "Good luck. See you in three days. Riker out."

Beverly's heart sped up at the mere thought of Jean-Luc reading the transfer requests. He still had to give his seal of approval to it. She wondered how he would react and more importantly, when he would react. It was almost twenty-two hundred hours, and she was pretty sure he would be too wrapped up in his life with Nella to bother with ships business at this time of night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Jean-Luc's eyes were tired, he squeezed them shut and held them, trying to ease the sandpaper feeling.

"Go to bed," Nella said, appearing at his side.

"I'm almost done," he answered with a yawn. "Go on ahead," he added, noting she was in her pyjamas already.

"Can't it wait until the morning?"

"No," Jean-Luc answered. "I should have sent this in this morning. It's the monthly report to HQ that has to be in by midnight. I am missing the report from the nursery as usual," he grumbled.

"Again?"

"Yes, I shall have to have a talk with the tutor, but it isn't a major department, so not important. That can be sent over as an appendix tomorrow."

"Night then," Nella dropped a kiss on his bald head before heading to bed.

"Coffee," he said aloud, heaving himself to his feet. He collected a large mug of coffee from the replicator and sank back down in the chair behind his desk. He was sipping his coffee, perusing the rest of the report when he sat back in his chair in amazement. He had no monthly report from Sickbay. Never once, in all the time on the Enterprise D and E had sickbays report been late. Not even by a few minutes. He had become so accustomed to it being there, he had become lapse in checking for it.

He glanced over at the chronometer on the wall by his desk. "Computer, location of Dr Crusher."

"Dr Crusher is in her quarters."

Heaving a sigh, he got up and left for Beverly's quarters hoping that she had not gone to bed. He wondered if she was okay. It was so unlike Beverly to forget anything and he was immediately concerned.

Unable to sleep because she was worrying about the impending confrontation with Jean-Luc, Beverly sat at her computer terminal participating in her latest fad. She had found a place on the computer network that housed romance fiction by amateur writers. She loved it. It was escapism in its simplest form and she had even toyed with having a go at writing some herself, anonymously of course. She had recognised one of the writers of at least two of the stories she had read, as one of her patients, the stories had both been very raunchy and she had had trouble looking at her patient in the eye the next time she had seen her.

Beverly sat back in her chair after finishing a particularly poignant well-written story and wished she could meet a man like the hero in the story. Someone she could let down her guard with, and be completely herself with, someone that would be there when she came home, someone to rub her shoulders when she ached and someone to make love to.

Her eyes shot to the door when the chime rang and instantly her heart started hammering in her chest. She knew it was Jean-Luc. Nobody ever called on her this late at night anymore. She sat for a moment, trying to compose herself.

'It's just a sabbatical,' she said repeatedly in her head as she tugged on her dressing gown and headed to the door.

"Beverly," he said, stepping inside her quarters.

Beverly instantly knew he wasn't here to question her about her sudden decision to move to the Titan because he didn't look worried enough.

"What can I do for you Captain?" she asked, tugging the belt on her gown tighter.

"I'm sorry to disturb you this late at night," he said formally, noting her use of his title. "I don't appear to have received sickbays monthly report. I need it … right away if possible."

Beverly was thrown, she hadn't expected that. "You haven't?"

"No, I checked twice."

"I definitely wrote it," Beverly said, heading over to her computer. Jean-Luc was hot on her tail, and noticed the big writing on the screen, proclaiming 'Plenty of Fish'.

"What's that?" he asked curiously.

"Just a site that came up," she answered nonchalantly, mentally kicking herself. Why hadn't she shut down the damn page? She quickly logged into her work account and found the latest monthly report. "Oh…" she said. "I didn't send it. I'm sorry, it completely slipped my mind."

"That's okay," he smiled. "As long as it's ready."

"Yes," Beverly nodded. "There, you should have it now."

"Thank you," he said gratefully. "I thought for one horrid moment I was going to have to stay up all night long," he chuckled. "Goodnight Beverly." Jean-Luc headed towards the doors, but stopped as they opened and turned back. "Are you all right Beverly?" he asked softly.

Beverly drew on her acting skills, "I'm fine," she answered, throwing in a fake smile for good measure.

"I haven't seen you around much lately," he said softly.

"I've been busy..."

"Don't work too hard," he chuckled. "Are you going to the concert tomorrow evening?"

"I think so," she answered.

"I'll see you there then," he smiled again and disappeared through the doors.

As soon as he was gone, Beverly collapsed on her desk chair, groaning she covered her face with her hands and prayed to god that Jean-Luc wouldn't be curious and look up 'Plenty of Fish' – it was some kind of dating site matching singles with other singles in the quadrant and apparently there were _lots_ of singles in the area.

"Did you get the report done on time?" Nella asked the next morning over breakfast.

"Yes," he answered as he finished the last bite of his croissant and downing the remains of his morning coffee. "I've got to speak to the nursery tutor this morning."

"I'm off today," Nella said with a satisfied grin on her face. She leaned back in her chair, slowly eating her toast and butter. "I'm going relax and do absolutely nothing."

Jean-Luc chuckled, "Well I have a very busy day. We are setting off to meet the Titan as soon as Geordi has finished the diagnostics he's been running all week and I've got crew evaluations all afternoon."

"But it will be nice to catch up with Will and Deanna won't it?"

Jean-Luc nodded, "I didn't get to see Deanna when she came here for a flying visit a couple of weeks ago."

"She was only here for one night," Nella answered. "I didn't get to see her either."

"Well we will have the chance in three days. They are bringing over the new crew rotation. I'm getting a new helm officer."

"I'm getting three ensigns," Nella laughed. "All wet behind the ears no doubt."

"I'm sure you will whip them into shape," he said getting to his feet. "I'll see you later."

Jean-Luc travelled to the bridge and checked in with the night shift supervisor, Commander Reichs. Everything was in order, so he went straight to his ready room to await a message from Geordi telling him it was good to go to rendezvous with the Titan.

It was only two minutes after turning on the computer that Jean-Luc found the message about Beverly's impending transfer to the Titan for a six-month long sabbatical. He re-read the request four times over to make sure he was not seeing things. Beverly was leaving his ship. Why hadn't she told him about it? He knew he hadn't seen her much for a while, be he had been to visit her less than eight hours ago and she hadn't mentioned it to him once.

"I'll be in sickbay," he said to his first officer as he strode from the bridge.

"This is for your headache."

Beverly looked up at her nurse Alyssa Ogowa, "Sometimes you worry me," she muttered, taking the hypo from Alyssa's outstretched hand.

"I know when you've got a headache," the nurse smiled. "I'm a walking tricorder. You tend to wince when you're staring at your computer in here."

Beverly smiled, "Thanks Alyssa." She pressed the hypospray into her arm and threw it into her desk drawer. She felt her headache begin to lift almost immediately.

"No problem," Alyssa replied. "I take it you don't want to be bothered this morning too?"

"That's right," Beverly heaved a sigh. "I didn't sleep well last night. Listen Alyssa, can you come in and close the door a moment. There's something I need to tell you."

Alyssa raised her eyebrows and did as she was asked, closing the door so that she and the doctor had some privacy. "Have I done something wrong?"

"No, no," Beverly shook her head. "It's nothing like that. I wanted to tell you that I'm going away for a while."

"Going away?" Alyssa was stunned. "Where?"

"I'm going to take a sabbatical on the Titan," Beverly answered. "I'll be gone six months and I'm counting on you to keep my sickbay in order while I'm gone," she smiled.

Alyssa was stunned, "Why are you going to the Titan?"

"I just fancied a change of scenery," the doctor answered. "I've been here for sixteen years now."

"And it's just for six months?"

"Yes," Beverly answered, deciding if it came to it, she could always contact Alyssa nearer the time and tell her she had decided to stay on the Titan.

"But the Titan has the exact same views out of the window…"

Beverly laughed, "I know. I am gonna miss you."

"I'm gonna miss you too," Alyssa smiled. "Who is taking over?"

"Selar," Beverly answered. "So you won't all have to get used to someone you don't know. I've left her in charge lots of times."

Alyssa nodded, "Better the devil you know."

Alyssa was on her way out of the door when she almost bumped into the captain coming the other way. She sidestepped him and disappeared into sickbay.

"Beverly?"

When the door to her office had whooshed closed after her nurse had left her office, Beverly hadn't noticed that Jean-Luc had replaced Alyssa. Therefore, when he spoke, Beverly almost had a heart attack.

"I'm sorry to startle you," Jean-Luc said, watching Beverly catch her breath, holding her hand to her heart.

Beverly's heart hammered in her chest and she just stared back at Jean-Luc as if she had no idea who he was. "That's okay," she managed to mutter.

"You're leaving?" he asked slowly.

Beverly tried hard to compose herself, "For six months," she answered.

"Why?" he asked.

Beverly watched his face closely, it seemed as though he was thoroughly confused by the turn of events. She wanted to tell him she was leaving because he had broken her heart and that she couldn't stand being nearby watching him fall in love with another woman. She wanted to tell him how desperately lonely she was and how she had never before realised how much she needed him. Instead, she shrugged nonchalantly, "I miss Deanna and Will. It's just for six months."

She waited for Jean-Luc to say something, but he just stood there for what seemed like an eternity watching her.

"We are going to see them in three days," he said finally. "Why do you need to transfer to their ship for six whole months?"

Beverly inwardly cursed; Jean-Luc had a good point there. "Will told me privately that his sickbay needs a firm hand. I'm going there as a trouble-shooter."

Jean-Luc shifted a little, "I see," he said slowly.

Beverly knew Jean-Luc well and she could tell that he wasn't quite buying her story. "I just need a little break from the monotony. You can't deny me that can you?"

"Of course not," he answered. "Just six months?"

"Yes," she replied. "I'm on the other end of a computer and a shuttle ride away."

"If something comes up that needs your expertise," he said slowly. "You will return here if I request you?"

"Of course," Beverly answered.

"Very well doctor," he said formally. "I will approve your transfer."

"Thank you Captain," Beverly answered softly.

Once again, Jean-Luc reached the door and turned back. "Beverly?" he called.

Beverly looked up, "Yes?"

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked softly.

"I'm fine," she answered automatically, wishing he'd just go away.

"You don't seem your usual self," he said.

"I'm fine," she answered again.

Jean-Luc hesitated on the threshold, "If something is worrying you, you know where my door is. It's always open for you."

"Thank you," Beverly smiled. 'And Nella is always there,' she thought herself.

Jean-Luc paused again, watching her for a moment before leaving.

'Well,' Beverly thought. 'If he hadn't noticed something is wrong with me, he certainly does now.' She wondered what he was thinking as he walked away.

Jean-Luc was stunned by Beverly's request and absentmindedly he returned home without meaning to. He knew something was wrong but he couldn't quite work out what until the doors to his quarters parted revealing the problem to him. Nella sat on his couch painting her toenails.

"Home already?" she asked, looking up at him. It only took a moment for her to realise something was wrong. "What is it?" she said, getting to her feet to take his face in her hands.

"Nothing," he smiled, taking her hands and holding them within his. "I forgot something that's all."

Nella watched Jean-Luc go to his desk and pick up a data pad. She wasn't convinced, "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes, yes," he answered. "I'm perfectly fine."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," he answered. "I'll be home later."

Jean-Luc headed back to his ready room. His mind was spinning. He hadn't ever considered how Beverly was feeling about his relationship with Nella. The last few months had seemingly flown by for him. Nella had arrived at his door one morning nearly a year ago to surprise him. He hadn't known she was due on board until he saw her. All those old feelings had returned in one fell swoop and before he knew it, he was back in love with her again and she had all but moved into his quarters. He hadn't planned this relationship, it had just… happened and now he didn't know what to do about it.

He sat down and his desk and read the transfer request again and seriously considered not granting Beverly permission. He sat there for a good hour or so debating his decision. Finally, he granted Beverly her wish. He needed time to think and perhaps six months would be enough.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Deanna was a little perturbed when she had learned that the captain had just asked Beverly if she was feeling okay and had granted Beverly permission to transfer to the Titan for six months. Deanna wondered what was going on in the captain's head. Surely, he had noticed that something was wrong.

The Titan had rendezvoused that morning with the Enterprise and Deanna had been up to her eyeballs in paperwork and hadn't had the time to venture over to her old home yet. After she had completed her paperwork, an over-enthusiastic Beverly Crusher greeted her in her office on the Titan carrying a box full of her belongings.

"Will told me to come down here," Beverly said as she dumped the box on Deanna's desk in the counselling chambers. "He's busy with Jean-Luc sorting out the new crew rotation."

"I told him to send you to me," Deanna grinned. "I suppose you want to see your new home."

Beverly nodded, "Oh yes. I'm sure I'm going to like it here."

"Let's go see it then," Deanna said getting to her feet.

Deanna led the way to Beverly's new home on the Titan. The whole time they walked, Beverly was chattering away about her future on the Titan and Deanna knew the whole thing was a brave front the doctor was putting on to keep herself sane. Beverly was depressed. Plain and simple. What's more, Beverly knew it. This inane chatter was her way of keeping mood up. Deanna wondered how to broach the subject of medication for her illness. Was Beverly even taking anything for it? Had she self-prescribed? Had the Enterprise's new ships counsellor prescribed anything? The computer records could answer these questions later when Beverly officially transferred over to the Titan.

"Here we are," Deanna said stopping outside a door on deck eight. "Two three seven seven," she said going inside. "Will and I are in two three ninety. Same deck."

Beverly nodded; walking passed the counsellor into her new home. It wasn't that different to her quarters on the Enterprise E. However, the living area was twice as big as her old quarters. It was decorated in cream and the accent colour in the room was cherry red. Beverly wondered who the decorator was. She hadn't come across a ship decorated quite as homely before. She liked it. "Aren't these for married officers?" she asked, noticing the room had two desks.

"Yep," Deanna answered. "Most of the quarters on the Titan are doubles. You can have the other desk removed if you want. Most people get themselves another couch or maybe a massive tropical fish tank if you're in the mood for fishes. Do what you want, it's your home."

"When do people get in the mood for fishes?" Beverly chuckled.

Deanna shrugged, "Go check out the bathroom."

Beverly dumped the box on the glass oval dining room table and went in search of the bathroom. She could have fit two of her Enterprise bathrooms inside this one. There was a double sonic/water shower all decked out in shiny chrome in the corner and a round bath sat in the middle of the room.

"Now that's what I call a bath," Deanna said with a grin.

"Big enough for two," Beverly said softly.

Deanna inwardly cursed herself; she had to remember not to mention anything about couples. Just as she was wondering how to get herself out of the sticky situation, the door chime rang and an ensign arrived to deliver the rest of Beverly's belongings.

"Are you finished on the Enterprise?" Deanna asked after the ensign left.

"I think I need to make one last sweep of my quarters," Beverly answered. "Just to make sure I haven't left anything behind I might need."

"We do have replicators you know…" Deanna grinned. "You have to report to Captain Riker for duty in three days, so what are you going to do with yourself?"

"Unpack," Beverly said looking about. "Explore this ship. Laze about in bed." She headed over to one of the cases and opened it, lifting out a couple of ornaments.

"Did they throw you a farewell party?" Deanna asked.

Beverly laughed, "Sickbay did. We had cake… lots of cake. I had to give out quite a few shots for nausea afterwards," she said, setting down one of the ornaments on the surface of her new desk.

"Did you see the captain before you left?" Deanna asked softly.

Beverly paused mid-motion, "No," she answered.

Again, Deanna wondered what Jean-Luc Picard was thinking about Beverly's sudden move to the Titan after sixteen years serving aboard the flagship of the Federation. Surely, he at least intended to say goodbye to his best friend in person.

Beverly heaved a sigh, "I told you Deanna," she said softly. "He doesn't need me anymore. He'll probably wish me good luck when I pop back there later."

"I'm going to pop over to the Enterprise myself in a minute," Deanna said. "I didn't get a chance to catch up when I visited you the other day. Are you going to be all right here? You've got everything you need?"

"I'll be fine Deanna," Beverly answered.

"If you need back up for your visit later, call me."

Beverly laughed, "Sure thing."

Jean-Luc was hiding in his office again. He couldn't go home, Nella was there and he didn't want to worry her. He stood at the viewport in his office and gazed at the Titan that gleamed silver in the light of the twin suns of Eisas. The Titan was there waiting to take his best friend away from him. Although he knew it was just for six months, he still couldn't shake the dull ache in his heart away. He felt awful for the way he had treated her.

Jean-Luc had had the computer notify him as soon as Deanna Riker boarded his ship. He had immediately summoned her to his ready room and was now awaiting her arrival. He was unusually nervous about the conversation he was about to have. He kept unconsciously tugging on his uniform tunic and he could not seem to keep his right leg still. The door chime made him jump even though he was expecting it.

"Come," he called.

"Sir?" Deanna said entering his ready room.

"I'm sorry to call you here Deanna," he said gesturing for her to take a seat on the couch.

"That's fine Captain," she answered, sitting down. "What can I do for you?" Deanna was relieved to receive some kind of confirmation that Beverly's departure had bothered her old captain.

Jean-Luc offered refreshments as a way to delay the inevitable and was disappointed when Deanna declined. "I realise I probably should have consulted the Enterprise's counsellor on this," he said, sinking down on the couch beside her. "But I don't really know her that well…"

"It's okay Captain," Deanna smiled. "This is a freebie," she chuckled, hoping to relieve some of the tension he was feeling.

Jean-Luc sat for a moment, contemplating on what exactly to say. Deanna waited patiently for him; she could sense how hard this was him. He had never once broached the subject of his relationship with Beverly before.

"I'm worried about Beverly," he said slowly, thinking that was a safe place to start. He looked over at Deanna, hoping she would say something, but she was just gazing at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. She was not making this easy for him. He knew Deanna must know what he was getting at. "I think I may have… damaged our relationship."

Deanna nodded, "Why?" she asked simply.

Jean-Luc shifted uncomfortably in his seat, "She's leaving the Enterprise."

"I know," Deanna answered, nodding her head sadly.

"You know what I'm getting at Deanna," he snapped and then closed his eyes. "I've …" he shook his head again. "I've begun a relationship with Nella Daren. I've never made any kind of commitment…" he heaved a sigh. "Are you deliberately making this difficult for me?"

Deanna shook her head, laughing wryly, "No of course not. It is just I need you to say it. It's my job to listen, not put words into your mouth Captain. Just remember that anything you do tell me will stay within these walls. I will not speak of this to anyone."

Jean-Luc took in Deanna's words, "Then you must know that I have always been in love with Beverly?" he didn't look at Deanna when he spoke; his eyes were firmly glued to his lap.

Deanna waited until Jean-Luc looked up at her, wondering why she hadn't answered his question. "I know," she answered softly.

Jean-Luc nodded, looking back down at his lap. "I'm not sure how you would classify our relationship. I have never made any commitment to her. I don't honestly know how she feels about me. Beverly is very guarded with her feelings."

Deanna knew he wanted her to confirm that Beverly did indeed love him in return, but she couldn't tell him.

"What she and I have is very special in its own way… but," he sighed again. "We have each pursued other relationships in the past and now in the present too. I always felt… I hate this word – envious, of the men in her life. When I had relationships in the past... Beverly didn't show any signs of… I hate this word too – jealousy. In fact, I remember her teasing me about Vash. She thought my relationship was amusing."

Deanna knew it was because Beverly didn't see any future in his relationship with Vash. Nella however was a very different entity. Nella in essence was Beverly. Nella was a senior officer on board the Enterprise, serving beneath Jean-Luc Picard, just as Beverly was.

"My relationship with Nella is obviously bothering Beverly," he continued when yet again Deanna didn't speak or volunteer any information that he knew she must have, as a confident of Beverly. "So much so that she's leaving the ship for six months," he looked up at Deanna, trying to see some kind of confirmation of his suspicions. Deanna was annoyingly unreadable.

"I never knew that it was possible to love two women at the same time," he said softly, almost desperately.

"You have some hard decisions to make," Deanna said, finally speaking.

Jean-Luc nodded, getting to his feet he wandered over to the viewport. "If I knew for certain that I had something with Beverly…," he sighed. "Some kind of future with her. My decision would be simpler."

Deanna in that moment knew that Jean-Luc would choose Beverly over Nella. It pleased her beyond measure. Beverly still had hope.

"I once asked Beverly if…," he paused, coughed a little. "If we could go further. She said no… well her exact words were 'perhaps we should be afraid' and then she went home. I still remember that night as if it were yesterday…"

Deanna had heard about this encounter before. Beverly had sought her counsel nine years previously. The whole encounter had hit Beverly right out of the blue and she had been stunned by the whole day's events. Beverly deeply regretted leaving Jean-Luc like that. Beverly had known he was confused by her reluctance and she didn't have the nerve to go back and explain herself. It would have opened up old wounds and opened up a very difficult and emotionally fraught conversation that she had no desire to have. Despite Deanna's advice, Beverly had left it alone and continued as her usual self, pretending that nothing had ever happened.

"Deanna," he said almost desperately, turning back to the counsellor. "Beverly confuses me beyond measure. I continually get mixed signals from her and I never know where I stand. She flirts with me and when I reciprocate… she flees."

Deanna could sense he was getting upset, she moved over to him, taking his hand. "And now there is Nella," she said softly.

A small smile appeared on his lips, "She's extraordinary," he admitted. "I have a healthy mature relationship with her. We know exactly where we stand with each other. I…," he shook his head. "I feel guilty for even thinking of Beverly. Nella has no idea about my feelings for Beverly," he laughed ruefully. "I did wonder about Beverly's feelings a while ago when Nella said something derogative about Beverly. I went to see Beverly, she seemed totally fine, and it put my mind at rest. Now I know that Beverly was hiding her true feelings."

"What did Nella say?" Deanna asked, her curiosity peeked.

"Nella joined the ships theatre company a few months ago," Jean-Luc explained. "Apparently Beverly was really standoffish. Nella said that she didn't want to know what Beverly's bedside manner was like and that Beverly hadn't seemed to want her to join. She got the cold shoulder."

"She's lucky that's all she got," Deanna said before she could stop herself. She winced, closing her eyes as if it made her words disappear.

"I see Beverly has been talking to you," Jean-Luc said slowly.

"A little," Deanna admitted. "I cannot tell you anything she has said to me, just as I can't tell her anything you say to me."

"I could revoke Beverly's transfer arrangement and make her stay here," he said slowly. "It's just a sabbatical, I have that power.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Deanna said quickly.

Jean-Luc chuckled, "I wouldn't dare."

Deanna laughed, "Let her have her six months. It will give you the time to make your decision."

"What would you do Deanna?"

Deanna was stunned by the question, "Sir… I am slightly biased. I'm in no position to advise you."

"I know," Jean-Luc smiled. "But it was worth a shot."

"I'm sure you will work it out," Deanna said softly. She left the ready room, knowing that Jean-Luc didn't seem to be any more at ease that he was before she got there.

Jean-Luc sat down in the chair behind his desk. In its simplest form, he had to decide between sex or coffee and croissants. His love life with Nella or his relationship with Beverly and a vague chance at a possible future?


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Beverly waited until the last minute before venturing over to the Enterprise to do her last sweep of her quarters to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything she may need. It was very late, gone midnight when she boarded the Enterprise and headed for her quarters. She didn't really want to say goodbye to Jean-Luc in person in case she couldn't hold her emotions in check. She had sent him a brief message, which she had had to re-record many times to make sure it was casual enough to pass for a 'dear friend' saying goodbye for six months. She had been on edge for the past three days while the Titan and the Enterprise sat together in space, wondering if Jean-Luc would visit her on the Titan to say goodbye. In a way, she hoped he would and in a way, she hoped he wouldn't. She was confused by her feelings.

The corridors were deserted at this time of night, so she headed straight to her quarters. Once inside, she called up the lights in the living area and stopped to take a final look at the place she had called home for the past sixteen years and maybe forever. She had left a few things behind to give the illusion that she was only going for a short while, but inside she knew that unless Nella Daren decided to leave the Enterprise, she wouldn't be back. She had to move on.

"You didn't think you could get away without saying goodbye did you?"

"Shit!" Beverly cursed, spinning around she noticed Jean-Luc sitting at her desk.

"I didn't mean to startle you," he said softly.

"What are you doing sitting in here in the dark?" she asked, holding her heart again. Jean-Luc seemed to be making a habit of making her jump out of her skin recently.

"Waiting to say goodbye," he answered with an amused grin. "I knew you would come back to make sure you hadn't forgotten anything before you left."

"So you sat in here in the dark all night long?" she asked, inside her heart soared and she felt giddy that he cared enough to do that.

"The lights were on," he chuckled. "Very low, but they were on."

The room fell into an awkward silence, Beverly felt the need to do something and not just stand there looking at her old friend as if they were complete strangers. She moved and began checking through the drawers and cupboards on her sideboard in the living area.

"Beverly," he said slowly, getting to his feet.

Beverly felt her stomach fill with butterflies as she heard his movement and watched him out of the corner of her eye. He tugged on his uniform and she realised he was just as nervous as she was. Taking a steady breath to try to calm her racing heart, she concentrated hard on the task of checking everything for anything she may need on the Titan.

Jean-Luc waited patiently while Beverly moved about her quarters checking inside the various drawers and cupboards. So far, she hadn't found anything she needed.

Beverly ran out of places to look, she took another deep calming breath and turned to face the inevitable. There was nowhere to go, no more places to hide and no more excuses. She had to stay and say goodbye.

"I just wanted to make sure I wished you good luck in person," he said walking towards where she stood, in the threshold of her bedroom.

Beverly didn't want Jean-Luc to see her face, so she did the only thing she could think of and pulled him into a hug. "Thank you," she said into his ear. She didn't release her hold on him, she held him to her as if it was the last time she would ever see him.

"You're going to be back in six months," he chuckled trying to hide his emotions in casualness, holding her back just as desperately. He was secretly impressed by her ability to hide her emotions but at the same time disappointed. He wished he could read her better, perhaps if he had mastered that skill he wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

Beverly knew she would have to pull back sometime, but she didn't want to. She wanted to hold onto him forever. "I already miss you," she admitted softly, her mouth close to his ear.

He was about to answer, when the doors to Beverly's quarters opened with the arrival of someone else. He broke from Beverly's embrace to find Nella standing there.

"Sorry to interrupt," Nella said with a smile. "I came to say my goodbyes too. The doors just opened…"

Jean-Luc tugged on his jacket feeling extremely awkward, he wanted the floor beneath his feet to open up and swallow him whole. He had left Nella waiting for him two hours earlier and had forgotten the time. Nella knew where he had gone, to say goodbye to his best friend. It only then dawned on him that Nella might have her suspicions. He glanced over at Beverly's stony face and watched her force a smile onto her face.

"I'll be back before you know it," Beverly said very casually. "I heard you're taking over ast artistic director while I'm gone." Beverly pulled on all her acting talents, she couldn't believe that Jean-Luc's girlfriend had turned up to ruin the last time she could be alone with Jean-Luc for a long time. Deanna had told Beverly yesterday that Nella had no idea about Beverly's complicated relationship with Jean-Luc, but it seemed Deanna's information was out of date. Beverly knew Nella didn't like her and that there was no way she would have bothered to come and say goodbye under normal circumstances. Nella could sense something was going on that she wasn't privy to and this was her way of letting Jean-Luc know.

Nella nodded, "That's right."

"Well I'm glad all my hard work will be in good hands," Beverly answered. "You did get all my notes on next month's performances?"

Nella nodded, "I was just looking through them. You have some interesting ideas. I'm looking forward to putting them into practice."

Beverly nodded, "That's good. I'm on the end of subspace if you can't understand my notes. Just call anytime."

"Thanks," Nella answered.

Jean-Luc watched Nella and his worry grew. He realised that she knew something was going on here. She wouldn't have got dressed and come here to say her goodbyes to someone she didn't much care for without a reason. "I was just going to de-brief the doctor before her departure in the morning on the Titan."

"I hope you don't mean that literally," Nella grinned and threw him a wink. Jean-Luc coughed, tugging the hem of his jacket again. "I'll see you when you get home Jean-Luc. Good luck sorting out the Titan Beverly," she added turning back to Beverly and then to Beverly's amazement, Nella pulled the doctor into her arms and hugged her.

Beverly awkwardly hugged Nella back, "Thank you," she said softly. She half expected Nella to whisper some kind of threat into her ear, but she heard nothing.

"I'll leave you to your de-briefing," Nella said heading out the door. "Don't be long Jean-Luc."

"I'm sorry about that," he said as soon as the doors closed, leaving him alone with Beverly again. "I didn't know she was coming."

Beverly nodded betraying no outward sign of her feelings on the matter. "What de-briefing?" she asked.

Jean-Luc coughed a little, and tried to think of something official to say. He didn't want to tell Beverly he had made that up just to appease Nella. "Just to be sure that you are aware, if something does come up, like a major disaster, I have the right to call you back to your post."

"If something does happen, I will come back," she answered. "Anyway, it's late and I need to sleep. I'm starting my new job tomorrow and I don't want to disappoint my new captain on my first day," Beverly knew she was being rude and dismissive, but she wanted out of there as soon as possible.

Jean-Luc nodded, "I'll walk you to the transporter room."

When Beverly materialised back in the Titan's transporter room, Deanna was standing there waiting for her. "What a bitch," Beverly muttered, surprising both Deanna and the transporter officer.

"Who?" Deanna asked, wondering for a second whether Beverly had meant her.

"Nella Daren," Beverly answered. "Let's go back to mine," she added, remembering that they weren't alone.

"So she came to see you off too?" Deanna said, trying to figure out what was going on inside Nella's head. She sank down on Beverly's couch and accepted the glass Beverly handed to her.

"Yes," Beverly said. "It was as if she was rubbing salt into my wounds. 'I'll see you when you get home Jean-Luc,'" she snorted with disgust after mimicking Nella's Australian accent and husky voice. "And she said 'don't be long Jean-Luc.' I am so glad to be out of there. God knows what she would have done if I'd have stayed there. She seemed to be gloating."

"Well," Deanna said slowly. "I shouldn't think she would have bothered to make her presence known if she didn't think there was anything to worry about."

"What do you mean?"

"She's worried," Deanna answered. "Your relationship with the captain has worried her. She must have noticed something."

"Like what? I haven't done anything."

"Well the captain is upset that you've left his ship… Nella is his girlfriend. She would have noticed it. I know you don't like her, but she's a clever woman. She's insightful. She knows the captain well," Deanna watched Beverly grimace at her words.

"Well it's all over now," Beverly said finally. "She's won. She should be happy. I don't know why she bothered to come to my quarters. There was no point. She'd already won the competition."

Deanna hated Beverly's words. She knew Jean-Luc was making some serious decisions about his future and Deanna planned to have Beverly return to the Enterprise in six months whether Beverly liked it or not. Deanna knew that Jean-Luc would immediately end his relationship with Nella if Beverly had asked him to. However, it wasn't as easy as that. Beverly had issues and Jean-Luc was well aware that there was no definite future with Beverly as her lover, just friendship. Why should Jean-Luc give up a healthy loving relationship with a woman he loved for only a vague promise of a future with Beverly? Unless Beverly dealt with her issues, they would continually be stuck in this never-ending circle. Each of them taking lovers and causing pain to the other, but always ending up back together in that comfortable friendship they had had for the past sixteen years. Neither of them were content with the way things were between them and that was all down to Beverly's inbuilt fear of losing Jean-Luc. Deanna had made a secret pact that she would do everything she could to help Beverly deal with her fears while they served together for these six months on the Titan.

"It's not over Beverly," Deanna said slowly.

"No Deanna," the doctor replied, downing her synthehol. "I'm done. I'm moving on."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

"Shall we have dinner in the mess hall?"

"Huh?" Beverly mumbled, she was dozing. She turned her head and looked up at the man she lay naked in bed with.

"Shall we have dinner tonight in the mess hall?" he asked again.

"Sure, why not?" Beverly answered. "Or we could just stay right here in bed."

Michael smiled, "We've been hiding away in your quarters for two weeks. I'd like to show you off."

Beverly laughed, gazing into Michael's brown eyes. They were amazingly sexy surrounded by long brown lashes. As soon as she had met Commander Garretson at the first senior staff meeting on board the Titan, she had fallen head over heels in lust with him on first sight. He was exactly what her libido had been longing for and to her delight, he noticed her immediately and had asked her to dinner a week later. They had hit it off right away and had many things in common like their love of theatre and horticulture. However, Beverly wasn't interested in all that, she was only interested in what lay beneath his uniform and had found out later that very night. She didn't want to be alone anymore. They had been together for two weeks since that night and Beverly was enjoying every single minute of it.

Michael climbed out of bed in search of his discarded uniform. Beverly lay back, watching him wandering around naked and satisfaction consumed her. She was a lucky girl. He made her feel beautiful and sexy and she had begun to take special care with her appearance again.

"I'll meet you there in half an hour," he said after he'd located his last missing boot. "I need to change."

"Okay," she answered languidly.

"Move it lazy," he chuckled, gazing at her as she lay tangled up in the white bed sheet. He felt like taking all his clothes off and joining her again.

Beverly groaned, "Okay I'm getting up."

"Don't be late," he chuckled, disappearing through the doors.

Beverly was walking through the doors to the mess hall when Michael called her to say something had come up and that he would meet her later. Beverly glanced down at herself and let out a disappointed groan. She had made a special effort for him. Therefore, deciding not to waste all that effort, she walked over and sat down on a stool at the bar. She was about to order a drink when she heard a cough at her side. She turned and found a lieutenant smiling at her. He can't have been more than twenty-five. Her son was older!

"Can I get you a drink doctor?" he asked.

"No thank you," she answered politely. "I'm waiting for someone."

She watched him wander away with his tail between her legs; a man young enough to be her son hadn't hit her on for years. Inwardly pleased with herself and feeling very flattered, she stifled a chuckled and turned her attention back to the bar.

"Did you hear about the amazing discovery last night in the mess hall?" Will Riker asked his wife over breakfast.

"What amazing discovery?" Deanna asked, looking up from her cereal.

"We've spent the last sixteen years exploring the universe," Will said with a huge grin on his face. "We've been to thousands of different places and travelled thousands of light years and all this time there was a discovery yet to be made right under our noses… well Beverly's nose."

"Beverly's nose?" Deanna frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Beverly's cleavage!" Will exclaimed happily. "I don't remember ever seeing it before."

Deanna blinked in surprise, "Her cleavage?" she said slowly.

"Mmm hmm," he grinned that irresistible cheeky smile. "If I'd seen her cleavage before I might have married her instead! Or at least given the captain a run for his money… Ouch!" he exclaimed when Deanna kicked him playfully under the table.

"She looked really… different last night," he continued. "I mean we all know she's a beautiful woman… but she looked really different."

"How different?" Deanna was immediately concerned. She wondered how much flesh the doctor was showing. "Please don't tell me she was in a mini dress… or latex."

Will laughed, "No. It was very tasteful. She was wearing a… boob tube?"

"A boob tube?" Deanna exclaimed. "Beverly was wearing a boob tube? They aren't tasteful Will."

"Well it wasn't a boob tube… It was strapless. I don't know what women call them," he shrugged helplessly and flashed his wife a cheeky grin. "It was a black top, strapless with little silver details across her… across the top. Her skirt came to her knees. No bare skin or anything like that. Mary Jane shoes like you wore to our wedding, hers were black. She looked lovely, but very different to anything I've ever seen her wearing before. She had her hair different too, up at the front… It has grown long. I think it's a darker shade of red or something… You don't seem to be happy for her. I thought ladies loved having make overs."

"I'm worried about her," Deanna sighed. "It's almost as if she's on the rebound. She's told herself to close the book on Captain Picard and to move on."

"It will never be over between them," Will said seriously. "Everyone knows they were made for each other."

"She's stubborn," Deanna groaned. "Once that woman makes her mind up about something, nothing or no one can change it."

"Well," Will grinned. "You're just going to have to be a good counsellor and try harder then aren't you?"

After breakfast, Deanna went straight to Beverly's quarters and pressed the chime. The doors opened and she went inside. Beverly sat at her table in a short ivory gown and she wasn't alone. Commander Garretson, Will's handsome first officer was with her, in civilian clothing.

"Hi Deanna," Michael said happily getting to his feet when he saw her. "Gotta love ya and leave ya I'm afraid. Duty calls and you know the Captain is a stickler for time," he stopped to kiss Beverly on the lips before leaving.

The whole time, Deanna stood rooted to the spot; her body wasn't cooperating with her mind. "Excuse me," she said to Beverly politely before disappearing back through the doors where she had come from. She walked all the way to her quarters and once inside she let out a scream of frustration. Once suitably calm, she returned to Beverly's quarters.

Deanna could sense Beverly was feeling very pleased with herself. The doctor was full of what Deanna would describe as artificial happiness. "How long has this been going on?" Deanna asked, instead of congratulating her friend on her newfound happiness.

"Over two weeks," Beverly answered, frowning at Deanna's reaction.

"Why didn't you tell me you had met someone?"

Beverly shrugged, "I better get ready."

"No Beverly," Deanna said, putting her hand on her friends shoulder to keep her in her seat. "I didn't want to bring this up before. I thought you might be able to work your way out of it alone."

"Out of what?" Beverly asked slowly.

"You know what I'm talking about," Deanna said evenly. "You're a doctor. You must be able to recognise the signs. You're clinically depressed and now you've gone and dragged someone else into the equation."

Beverly didn't even want to consider what Deanna had said, "Don't be ridiculous. I'm just having some fun. There is nothing wrong with me."

"Do I need to go over your symptoms?" Deanna asked slowly.

"No, but I need to get ready for work," Beverly said, attempting to get to her feet, but again Deanna stopped her and kept her in her seat.

"You are not going to work today," Deanna said in a no nonsense tone. "You're going to stay here with me and talk through all of this."

"I am not," Beverly said, equally stubbornly. "I'm going to get ready for work and then I am going to actually go to work," she pushed passed the counsellor and headed for the bedroom.

"Beverly," Deanna said evenly, following the doctor into her bedroom. "I will relieve you of duty if you attempt to leave your quarters."

"Don't be ridiculous!" Beverly exclaimed. "I'm perfectly fine."

"You're going to hurt Michael."

"I'm not going to hurt him," Beverly answered, immediately poo-pooing Deanna's statement.

"Beverly, Michael isn't the kind of guy who has a woman in every port. He is no Will Riker – as Will used to be. He's strictly a one-woman man and he's looking for the real thing, not a fling. He wants marriage and kids…" Deanna saw the expression of surprise on Beverly's face. "You're using him. You don't want all that with him."

Beverly sank down on the bed, rubbing her forehead with her fingertips. "Why do you have to ruin everything?"

"I'm not trying to ruin anything," Deanna answered. "I just don't want another patient added to my already hectic schedule. I knew Michael before Will and I came here to the Titan. You're the first women I've known him to be with and the first women I've known him to fall in love with."

"He's in love with me?" Beverly asked, lifting wide eyes to Deanna's.

Deanna nodded, "Very much so."

"Oh god," Beverly sighed, burying her face in her hands. "What do I do?"

Deanna sank down on the bed beside her friend, "Break it off gently."

"Don't tell me I've got to transfer again…" she chuckled ruefully. "At least it took me sixteen years to screw up my life back on the Enterprise. Not even a month here and I've done it again."

Deanna slapped her thighs, got up, and disappeared into the living area. Beverly could hear Deanna talking to the replicator, but couldn't quite hear her words. The counsellor reappeared with a hypospray in her hand, in response Beverly's stomach lurched. She knew what it was.

"Trazodone," Deanna said as she handed the hypo to Beverly.

"I really don't think I need an antidepressant…," the doctor said, putting the hypo down on the bedside table.

"I'm the counsellor here," Deanna said slowly. "Please Beverly," she added. "I'm asking you as a counsellor and as a friend. It's a mild dose. Take it for one month once a day and I'll evaluate the results at the end of the month. You might not need it after that…"

"I really don't think I need it," Beverly said again.

"Have your sleep patterns altered?" Deanna asked, sitting down on the stool at Beverly's dressing table. "Are you forgetting simple things at work and home? Like sending in the monthly report for your department late and forgetting you even owned a pet! Are you shutting yourself away from your usual social activities? You decided you were too busy to direct your latest play two weeks ago before you even knew you were coming here. You're also not doing all the things you used to do with the captain…" she held up her hand when Beverly was about to protest. "I know that that part isn't your fault. Those are just two examples that I know of. Have you lost your usual energy levels? Are you lazing about in bed a lot or lying on the couch doing nothing? Are you feeling like you have low self-esteem? Is that why you decided on a new wardrobe and a makeover? Do you sometimes feel hopeless and helpless in situations? Are you over compensating for things you feel you're missing in your social life? Taking a fuck-buddy for example."

Beverly's eyes widened, "I've never heard you swear before…"

"Don't change the subject," Deanna said, immediately recognising Beverly's ploy. "Well?"

Beverly heaved a sigh and then couldn't help but give Deanna yet another symptom, tearfulness. She turned the hypo repeatedly in her hand as two large tears fell silently down her cheeks. She lifted her hand and injected the medication into her own neck.

"Thank you," Deanna said softly. She got up and sat down on the bed, pulling Beverly to her. "By the way," she added. "I think the makeover is great!"

"Really?"

"Yes," Deanna laughed.

"What am I going to do about Michael?"

"Break it off gently," Deanna answered.

"It won't be gentle if he loves me," Beverly said. "I feel terrible."

"If it makes you feel any better," Deanna said slowly. "I think he knows you don't quite feel the same way about him. This won't come as a huge blow."

"Well that's good," Beverly said ruefully.

"And if you take a fancy to someone else on my ship," Deanna said. "Ask me to check them out for fuck-buddy potential first."

"Where in the universe did you get a saying like that?"

"I read it somewhere and it made me laugh," Deanna answered with a grin. "I'm not saying you can't take a lover. But if all you're interested in is the sex, then for god sakes make sure the man knows where he stands first."

"Yes sir!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

This had become the usual routine for the captain of the Enterprise ever since he had lost his old Chief Medical Officer to his old First Officer on the Titan. When he had finished work for the day, he immediately headed to Beverly's quarters. Beverly had written to him less than a day after she had left on the Titan to inform him that she had indeed forgotten something important. She had forgotten Orange, her beautiful Mandarin-fish and had tasked him with daily feeding duties.

As he gazed into the tank at the psychedelic blue, yellow and green fish, he worried that Orange was looking a little peaky. Orange did not look as lively as she had done for the past month. Again, he went over Beverly's instructions, bypassing the line that told him to talk to Orange as much as he could, in case she was lonely. He had fed Orange small micro-invertebrates as instructed once per day and had cleaned out her water once a week, remembering to replace the live rock each time. He had done everything on the list except talk to the damn fish. He decided Livingston; his own Lionfish was much easier to take care of despite Livingston being venomous.

"Hmm," he said aloud. Something tickled his brain and he remembered that Beverly had been looking up fish on the computer just before she had left. Maybe the information site had something useful on it to help him with Orange. He would never forgive himself if Orange died in his care while Beverly was away.

He sat behind Beverly's desk and tried to rack his brains for the name of the site Beverly had been looking at. For the life of him, he could not remember the name, so he called up the history of the sites Beverly had visited recently.

"Twenty Fourth Century Romance…," he read aloud with a chuckle. He clicked briefly on the page to discover it was a place for amateur writers to share their romance fiction with one another. Upon further investigation, Jean-Luc realised some of it was… erotic. He felt guilty for invading Beverly's privacy and clicked off the page.

He sat there for a while, struggling with the temptation to investigate further. He mused that he had always been an explorer… but he doubted that Beverly would accept that excuse if she ever found out he had been 'exploring' her computer usage history. He had a vision of her yelling at him and shuddered at the thought.

"Fish, look up fish," he said to the empty room. He scrolled up the page until he found the only page title containing the word fish. "Plenty of Fish!" he clicked on the page title and sat back in his chair in surprise. There were no fish on this site. Not the type of fish he had been hoping for anyway. It was a dating site. He sat there staring at the screen and felt a little sick.

The door chime rang, knocking him out of his stupor and bringing him back to the present. "Come," he called.

"I'm going out soon. You've been feeding the fish a long time," Nella said walking inside Beverly's quarters. "Is it okay? You haven't killed it have you?" she laughed.

Jean-Luc closed down the computer terminal, "I think she's looking a little peaky," he said as he got to his feet and returned to the tank. "I was looking for information about Mandarin fish."

"It's pretty," she said peering into the tank. "Any luck?" Nella asked, bending down to take a closer look at the fish.

"Not yet," he answered. "I will investigate further later."

"It looks okay to me," Nella said, stepping back.

"She was swimming around a lot faster than that recently," he answered. "Beverly will never forgive me if I kill Orange."

"Orange?"

"That's her name."

"But it's not orange…"

"She's a Mandarin fish," Jean-Luc explained.

"So?"

"Mandarin's are also a type of Orange."

"Oh," Nella said, breathing out the word. "I see. Well, I'm off to Music Club. I'll see you later?"

"To be honest Nella," he said slowly. "I'm exhausted. I am just going to head straight to bed. Come by for breakfast in the morning?"

Nella peered at him for a moment, "All right," she answered.

Jean-Luc kissed her goodnight softly on the lips. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight," she said as she disappeared through the door.

Jean-Luc headed back over to the fish tank and once again perused Beverly's instructions. Giving a little cough and a tug on his top, he glanced both ways before turning back to the fish. "Hello Orange," he said, feeling like a complete idiot. "How are you today?"

Music Club passed in a blur to Nella that night. She wasn't on top form and kept making mistakes and she lost her temper with an innocent violin player, blaming the violinist for making her lose her timing. She stopped by sickbay on the way home to get something for her headache.

Once at home, she climbed into a steaming bubble bath hoping it would help soak away some of her worries. Jean-Luc had been distant with her for a while now and it was the second time this week that he had told her he would see her for breakfast. She knew something was wrong.

As she lay in the bath, she wondered what kind of relationship Jean-Luc had with Beverly Crusher. Jean-Luc had changed after Beverly Crusher had told him she was transferring to the Titan. She knew they were good friends and had known each other for many years. However, she wondered whether they had a history between them that she wasn't privy to. Were they past lovers? Moreover, if they were, were there still residual feelings?

Nella knew that if this situation continued, that she would have to speak to Jean-Luc about it and that thought made her sick to her stomach. She didn't want to know that he may still have feelings for another woman. She didn't want to know that he was having second thoughts about his feelings. She had fallen in love with Jean-Luc Picard ten years before and had never stopped thinking about him in all the time they had been apart. They had met several times after she had left the Enterprise all those years before, but had gradually stopped seeing one another or writing to one another. When she had realised that her transport to her new posting at HQ was via the Enterprise, she had only meant to drop by the captain's quarters just to say hello. However, as soon as she had laid her eyes on him once again, she hadn't been able to let go. She loved him with all her heart and had decided that this time she wasn't going to let go and that she would deal with any misgivings he still had from their previous encounter.

Her persistence had paid off and Jean-Luc had accepted her into his life. He had stopped growing embarrassed if he happened to be with her and a crewmember had approached. He had relaxed and would accompany her to the mess hall for dinner. He no longer felt the need to hide away in his quarters and had come to realise his crew actually liked to see him as human rather than machine. He hadn't held her hand or done anything intimate in public, but Nella was fine with that and they had hardly spent any time apart; she had really begun to believe they had a proper future together. That had all changed and Jean-Luc hadn't been the same since Beverly had left the ship.

Jean-Luc stared at his computer screen and the logo of the Plenty of Fish dating site. Meticulously he searched the sites database to see if Beverly had created a profile. If she had, he couldn't find it. With a sigh, he closed the workstation down and leaned back in his chair. All he could seem to think about was Beverly. No matter where he was or what he was doing, Beverly was never far from his mind. He had never missed anyone like this before.

He opened his desk drawer and pulled out a small personal holo emitter and he set it carefully down on his desk. He pressed the pad on the front of the device and Beverly appeared as a holo-image smiling at him. Jean-Luc smiled in return, as if she could see him. He remembered her reaction when he had asked for permission to take the photo. He had sat in the audience and watched Beverly's two-hour portrayal of Queen Elizabeth the First and was completely memorized. Those two hours had been pure bliss. He had been able to sit there and gaze at her totally unguarded. He had drunk in her beauty and had revelled in the sound of her voice, despite the crude British accent. He knew he had to have something to remember the occasion. She was complaining about the massive pleated collar when he approached to take the photo. He remembered that she had been puzzled by his request and told him that due to the part; she wasn't wearing any make up and thought she looked awful. Jean-Luc happily, had got his way, she posed for him quickly before she got changed and now Jean-Luc had his treasured memory in a holographic image.

Jean-Luc heaved a sigh and wished Beverly would give him some sign to let him know that she loved him too. She was so guarded with her emotions that he had never really been sure that she did love him. Even back on Kesprytt, when they had shared a telepathic link, he still had been unable to tell. He knew she loved him as a friend, he was very sure of that. He just hadn't been able to tell if it was more. Then, when he had tried to find out whether she felt the same as he did, she had rebuffed him and left him even more confused than ever and then Deanna had sent his mind reeling the other day. Deanna hadn't said much regarding Beverly and what Beverly had confided in her, but she had said enough so that Jean-Luc knew that Beverly was jealous of Nella. What he didn't know was whether Beverly was hurt by the fact that he had stopped spending time with her or was it more than that.

He wondered whether he should put in a call to the Titan to ask her. He knew the only way to solve this dilemma was to ask Beverly how she felt. However, he didn't think he had the courage to do it. Especially not after the way she had left him after his last attempt at moving their relationship forward. He could still remember the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach as the doors closed between them and he couldn't ever remember feeling as devastated before. Even now, nine years later, that memory still caused him pain and he never liked to think of it. He remembered hiding away in his quarters and only venturing out for work. It was a week or so later when Beverly had turned up out of the blue to have breakfast with him. She had acted as if nothing had ever happened between them and although he sat there opposite at the table feeling confused, hurt and a little angry by her behaviour, he had taken the easy way out and also pretended nothing had ever happened.

Then, during their first year on the Enterprise E, something else had happened between them. She had kissed him. Moreover, it was a kiss filled with such promise, in a turbo lift of places, that he had stood there literally stunned and once again she had walked out the door. He couldn't even remember why she had kissed him now. He had a vague recollection that they were talking of Wesley and the future. However, as soon as Beverly's lips met his, he completely lost track of everything else.

Jean-Luc heaved a sigh and wondered what Command would say if he ordered all the doors on the ship removed. At least that way his view would be different the next time Beverly walked out on him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

"And he's happy to go along with it is he?" Deanna asked sceptically.

Beverly shrugged, turning her attention back to her omelette. "He's been thinking about it for three weeks."

Deanna couldn't believe what Beverly was saying. The counsellor sat there in utter confusion as she watched Beverly eating her lunch seemingly without a care in the world. Apparently after Beverly had told Michael that she wasn't looking for love almost a month ago, Michael had returned with news the night before. He had decided that he too was lonely and would like to continue his casual relationship with Beverly.

Deanna resisted the urge to slam her forehead down on the table top. She didn't want to ruin Beverly's obvious delight at the news, but at the same time she was very worried about Michael. He had loved Beverly three weeks ago, was the decision to return to her bed for a more casual arrangement an attempt to get Beverly to fall in love with him? Alternatively, did he love Beverly that much, that he would be with her knowing that she didn't feel as he did and just didn't care? Either way, Deanna didn't think it was healthy.

"I guess he didn't go home last night after your conversation," Deanna surmised. She watched a smile flit across her friends beautiful face. "Do you believe him?"

"Believe him?" Beverly looked up and a frown knitted her brows.

"Do you believe him when he says he can just stop his feelings for you and participate in this fuck-buddy relationship with you?"

"I'd prefer it if you referred to him as my 'friend with benefits'," Beverly asked slowly. "Your term is pretty disgusting."

Deanna shrugged, "Ok fine. Do you think he's being honest?"

"He said all he had on me was a crush," Beverly answered. "That he'd hoped for more and had built up all these… visions of our future together. But now he knows where he stands and he's fine with it."

"But do you think he's being honest?" Deanna persisted.

Beverly stared at the counsellor for a moment. She knew Michael had probably convinced himself that he believed what he was saying was the truth. At the time however, Beverly had been feeling particularly down and had welcomed his attention for purely selfish reasons. "Probably not," she admitted finally.

"What are you going to do?"

"Oh for god sakes," Beverly put her knife and fork down. "I guess I'm going to have to have another talk with him."

"If you can't get through to him Beverly, please tell me," Deanna said softly. "I'll speak to him. I know you're still hurting… and that you feel lonely and you want the company. If Michael is truthful, then there is no problem. If he's still... holding a candle for you, then it's not healthy for him and in the end, you'll be causing yourself more pain. I can tell you care for him. You don't want to hurt him."

"No I don't," Beverly answered. "He's a lovely man."

"I can talk to him first if you want me to?" Deanna offered.

"Would you?" Beverly asked. "I wish I was empathic sometimes. It would make life a lot easier."

"Okay," Deanna answered. "I'll speak to him as soon as I can and I'll let you know whether you still have your 'friend with benefits'. It probably won't be until tonight. We've got some serious shopping to do on the star base!"

"I'm looking forward to it," Beverly grinned.

Jean-Luc had executed his travel plans with finite detail so that he would just happen to be passing through the star base on route back to the Enterprise after his conference just as the Titan docked to pick up the delegates they were transporting home. He had over twelve hours before his transport left for the next and final star base where he would rendezvous with the Enterprise. He was sitting in the café on the boardwalk that had a clear view of the shopping precinct below. He knew Beverly wouldn't be able to resist perusing the shops.

Finally, after waiting what seemed like hours, he saw Beverly. He sat there for a long while, watching as she studied the dresses hanging outside a fashion boutique. It had only been three months since he had seen her last and Beverly had already changed. He was pleasantly surprised to see bare legs. He was sure the last time he'd had the pleasure of seeing Beverly's bare legs was years before when she was still married to Jack and they had spent the day on the beach.

As he watched, finishing his tea and preparing to go and surprise Beverly he saw a man approach her. Jean-Luc leaned forward to see what the man held in his hands. To his mirth, the man held some black sexy underwear. Jean-Luc smiled, thinking the seller was going to get a piece of Beverly's mind, but instead he watched in amazement as Beverly laughed, slapping the man playfully on the chest. Then, to his horror, the man lifted his hand and ran his fingertips along Beverly's cheek and leaned in and kissed her. Jean-Luc felt as though he had been lifted from his body and was watching the action from somewhere high above.

He was brought back to the present by the sound of a cough right beside him. He yanked his eyes away from Beverly as she bought the underwear and found himself looking at Deanna Riker. He watched as she took the seat beside him and she too had her eyes on Beverly.

"How did you know I was here?" Jean-Luc asked, unable to think of anything else to say.

"I sensed your presence," Deanna answered.

"She met someone new?" Jean-Luc said, his eyes returning to Beverly.

"She met a lot of new people," Deanna answered. "She's on a new ship."

"Don't be facetious," he said.

"I'm going to say one thing to you Captain," Deanna said, turning back and meeting her old boss's eyes. "Cause and effect."

Jean-Luc studied Deanna's face for a full minute, "I… Me being in a relationship caused… this?"

Deanna, much to Jean-Luc's frustration neither agreed nor disagreed with his assessment.

"Do you realise how simple you could make this Deanna?" he asked desperately. "You tell me if she loves me or not and I will leave Nella and… enjoy my coffee and croissants every morning with Beverly back on my ship where she belongs."

"I can't do that," Deanna answered.

Jean-Luc heaved a sigh, "I know."

"And it's not as simple as that anyway," Deanna said cryptically.

"She's fallen in love with someone else," he surmised, glancing back down to the fashion boutique. This time, Beverly had disappeared and so had her lover. Jean-Luc fought to keep images of Beverly modelling her new underwear for her lover out of his mind. Why did she find it so easy to open up to other men within a few days of meeting them?

Deanna inwardly cursed and wished she'd had that conversation with Michael before she and Beverly had left for their shopping excursion. She had been inside the fashion boutique when she had sensed her old Captain's presence and had followed her senses until she had found him sitting in the café. She was sitting there with the knowledge of Beverly's true relationship with Michael, 'friends with benefits' and could not tell Jean-Luc although she really wanted to. She hoped this wouldn't send Jean-Luc back to the Enterprise with the intention of making his relationship with Nella work.

"Beverly will be back on the Enterprise in three months," she said softly. "I think it would be prudent to leave Beverly unaware of your visit here to see her."

"Why?" he asked, suddenly concerned.

"Cause and effect," Deanna answered. "Let me deal with this please."

"But…"

"Do you want to explain to Beverly who is looking after Orange?" Deanna asked, trying to add a little humour. "I presume it's Nella."

"I didn't know who else to ask," he said slowly.

"That will not matter to Beverly," Deanna grinned. "The thought of Nella having a reason to snoop around her quarters while you're gone…"

Jean-Luc's eyes widened, "I hadn't thought of that."

"You'll have her back in three months," Deanna said, reaching over she patted Jean-Luc's hand and got to her feet. "I better go in case they are looking for me and you better hide. It's just three more months."

"That's it Jean-Luc!" Nella snapped.

Jean-Luc looked up from his computer monitor, "What's it?" he asked, looking at Nella who was obviously furious. She stood in front of his desk with her hands on her hips. She was wearing her blue nightdress and an angry scowl.

"What is on there that is so important that you keep ignoring me?" she demanded.

"I'm not ignoring you," he answered. "I happen to be the captain on this ship and that job comes with a lot of responsibility and a lot of paperwork." It was almost a month since he had seen Beverly in an intimate embrace with another man on the star base, and it had profoundly affected him and confused him more than ever. Once again Beverly was giving herself away to a man she had only just met and yet she still held him at arm's length. Jean-Luc was beginning to wonder whether Beverly was in love with him at all and that he had imagined the chemistry between them.

"So what is it tonight?" Nella asked angrily, breaking into his thoughts. "Is it a report on ladders in the Jeffrey's tubes? The taste of the strawberry jelly from the replicator?"

"This is a confidential report," he answered.

"And it can't wait until tomorrow?" she asked.

"No," he answered.

"So yet again I am going to bed by myself?"

"I'm sorry Nella," he answered. "You knew I was captain of the Enterprise when you met me."

"Well how come we didn't have this problem a few months ago?" she asked. "You never did reports in the evening back when we first started to date. What is going on?"

"I have told you time and time again. Nothing is going on. I am just very busy at the moment. It's the end of the year and it's always busiest at this time of the year as you well know, being a department head yourself."

Nella stormed off into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. She stood there for a moment, her chest heaving in anger, before doing an about turn and returning to the living area. "Is this something to do with Beverly Crusher?" she asked.

Jean-Luc's fingers paused mid-motion over the keypad. He daren't look up. "Beverly?" he said, feigning confusion.

"I'm not stupid Jean-Luc," she said. "Look at me!"

Jean-Luc carefully maintained a stoic face as he lifted his eyes to meet his partners. "What has Beverly got to do with all these reports?"

"Don't act all ignorant!"

"I'm not…"

"Ever since she transferred to the Titan four months ago you have been distant with me."

"I miss her that's all," he answered, deciding that a half-truth was better than a lie. "She's been my best friend for the past sixteen years and I've known her for over thirty years." He watched Nella studying him for a while and could see that she was thinking.

"Were you having an affair?" she asked slowly.

Jean-Luc blinked, "Pardon?" he said, genuinely shocked at the suggestion.

"Is that why she left?"

"No!" he exclaimed. "You know me Nella. I am not the kind of man who would be unfaithful."

"I don't understand…" she said slowly, sinking down on the couch.

Jean-Luc closed the computer down and got up, joining her on the couch. He reached for her hand. "I was not having an affair."

"Are you old lovers?" she asked.

Jean-Luc shook his head, "No. I've never touched her… romantically before. Never. I have never kissed her… passionately before."

"And she's just your friend?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered, not quite truthfully.

"And you don't think she's in love with you and that she left the Enterprise because of me?" she asked carefully.

Jean-Luc's eyes shot to hers, "I don't think so…" he said slowly, in what he hoped was a convincing act of disbelief. He had wondered the same himself over and over again. "To be honest I think she felt lonely because I was spending so much time with you. Beverly, Geordi and I are the only remaining senior staff left from the Enterprise D. Geordi is engaged and I have you. And as you know yourself as a department head, it's lonely at the top."

Nella absorbed that information slowly, "So she decided just to abandon ship? Maybe spend time with Captain Riker and Counsellor Troi, er Riker?"

"I believe so," he answered, relieved that Nella was buying his story.

"Are you sure that's all it is?" she asked, gazing right into his eyes.

"As far as I am aware," he answered. "Beverly has now met someone too," he added, as he said those words, he felt like a knife had been plunged into his stomach, but he kept his composure. "He's the first officer on the Titan."

"Oh, so she might not be back?" Nella asked, failing to hide her delight at the prospect. "Now that she has met someone too?"

"She has to return to her official post in a couple of months no matter what other position she's might apply for," he answered. Jean-Luc was running out of time. He knew it and he still didn't know how Beverly felt.

"I heard Katherine Pulaski is retiring soon," she said, settling back into Jean-Luc's arms. Beverly had met someone else; all was right in the world. "Beverly could become head of medical."

Jean-Luc's stomach dropped right into his slippers. "She could," he said slowly, glad that Nella couldn't see his face. "Anyway," he said, needing to end the conversation. "I need to finish that report or my life won't be worth living."

"Okay," Nella answered. "I'm off to bed. I have to be up very early tomorrow anyway. Goodnight Jean-Luc," she said, dropping a kiss on his lips.

Jean-Luc said goodnight to Nella and remained sitting where he was on the couch for a long while. He didn't want to lie to Nella, and he certainly would never intentionally hurt her. He felt terribly guilty and full of remorse. Again, he wondered how he could love two women at the same time.

He got up and headed over to his desk and sank down in the seat. He stared at his report, knowing he had completed it that morning, but he couldn't face going to bed with Nella until she was asleep. Although he hadn't, he felt as though he was cheating on her and being unfaithful.

He reached down and opened the cupboard by his knees and pulled out his secret stash of real alcoholic whiskey that Guinan had left with him just before she had moved on. He poured himself a snifter and downed it in one. Four more shots followed along shortly afterwards and then he drank more slowly as he perused the files on his computer. It was an hour later when a message from Beverly pinged up on his screen. Beverly's message was brief and mainly about the well-being of Orange her fish.

Jean-Luc chuckled out loud. He was well and truly sloshed now and he made a mental note to write to Guinan and thank her. Slowly and through blurry eyes, he replied to Beverly's message.

"Look at this," Beverly said, letting herself into Deanna and Will's quarters. She knew Will was in the conference room in a meeting and that Deanna would be alone.

Deanna was sampling a chocolate sundae and looked up, wondering where Beverly's sudden bout of happiness had come from. "What is it?" she asked as Beverly sank down in the seat beside her at the table. Beverly had been spending more time than ever in Deanna's company since the counsellor had spoken to Michael about his relationship with Beverly almost a month ago. Michael had confessed to Deanna that he was hoping Beverly may, in time, come to love him as he did her. So, much to the doctors disappointment, the relationship was over.

"Listen," Beverly said, holding up the pad and giving a little dramatic cough. "Hello Mummy," she began, reading from the pad. "Just a little note here to tell you that I'm fine and being well cared for. My food arrives promptly every day and my water is cleaned once a week, just as you used to do. Although I'm happy enough, I really miss you mummy. Lots of love and bubbles. Orange."

Deanna laughed, "That's from the captain?" she said in amazement.

"No, it's from Orange," Beverly grinned. "How cute is that?"

"Very," Deanna answered, sensing Beverly's rush of love for Jean-Luc and waiting for the fall into melancholy that usually accompanied this sense of euphoria when Beverly remembered Nella existed.

"That man is full of surprises," Beverly continued, a smile on her face. "If I hadn't of seen this for myself I wouldn't have thought he'd do something like this," she chuckled.

Deanna had to agree with that assessment. She could also see the writing between the lines. He was telling Beverly he missed her and loved her in the guise of a fish. It was genius but obviously Beverly hadn't read between the lines, or if she had, she wasn't saying.

Beverly grinned. "He really is full of surprises…"

"I wonder how long he spent preparing that masterpiece," Deanna laughed. "Maybe he was drunk," she laughed. "That reminds me, can I get you a drink or something?" she got to her feet and headed over to the replicator for refreshments.

"Where did Michael go this morning?" Beverly answered with a question of her own. "I couldn't ask him myself… you know why."

"He's gone on a sabbatical of his own," Deanna answered. "Six months at HQ and he'll be back."

"I feel so guilty," Beverly sighed.

"He came back to you with his offer," Deanna said. "He's also responsible. You told him where you stood and he came back. In my book, that's his fault."

"Nevertheless I still feel guilty," the doctor said softly. "I know how it feels…"

"How do you know how unrequited love feels?" Deanna said, pausing as she lifted a mug of root tea from the replicator. "You know the captain loves you… Don't you?"

Beverly shrugged, realising her mistake.

"Your situation is different," Deanna said, dumping her tea down on the table. "I don't know what it is that is causing you to fear a relationship with the captain. What are you so afraid of? Has he got a small penis or something?"

"Deanna!" Beverly exclaimed, laughing in amazement.

"Well you're his doctor! You must have seen it…"

"My lips are sealed," Beverly shook her head with mirth. "It's nothing like that."

"Oooh," Deanna said, drawing out the word as she sank down in her chair. "So there is no problem on that front… on his front." She sniggered like a school girl.

Beverly found something interesting to look at on the table top and drummed her fingers to fill the silence.

"In all seriousness though," Deanna said softly. "There is nothing that you can tell me that would shock me. You know you can tell me anything and I will try and help you as best as I can."

"What does it matter now?" Beverly asked, immediately steering the conversation away from what was really bothering her. "He's with Nella now. I missed the boat."

Deanna heaved a sigh, "Right…" she said slowly.

There it was, Beverly's mood immediately dipped as soon as Nella Daren entered the conversation. Beverly had been on the anti-depressant medication for three months now and Deanna had noticed its effects. Beverly wasn't drowning in despair any longer. She was hurting just like a healthy person would in her position. She wasn't lazing about in bed any longer and was up at the crack of dawn in Sickbay or if it was her day off, she was writing a play. Her social life had taken a turn for the better too since she had joined up to the Titan's small theatre club and had been appointed director of their latest performance much to her delight. As a result, Deanna had been gradually reducing Beverly's medication and yesterday had been Beverly's final dosage.

"I hope you're planning on returning to the Enterprise permanently," Deanna said slowly.

"Are you tired of me already?" Beverly chuckled.

"No," Deanna answered with a laugh. "But you should go back. I didn't approve of you coming here in the first place. You came for all the wrong reasons."

"I'm not sure," Beverly admitted. "I really like it here. I have you and Will. My new staff are all excellent at their jobs and are all very nice to work with…"

"Michael has gone, thinking that you would be gone when he came back after his sabbatical," Deanna pointed out.

"Oh," Beverly answered in a small voice. "I guess I should look elsewhere for my new start. He was here before me…"

"Go back to the Enterprise Beverly!"

"I can't," she said in a strained voice. "Not while she's still there."

"I'm afraid at the end of your sabbatical you have to go back there whether you like it or not. If you do decide to apply for a position elsewhere, you still have to return to your official post. You can't stay here and wait."

"Maybe I should apply for my old position at HQ?" Beverly wondered aloud. "I heard on the grapevine that Doctor Pulaski is retiring soon. I've got a very good chance at getting that position. I did it before."

"If you just told the captain how you felt…"

"No," Beverly said instantly. "I told you why I can't and I do wish that you'd stop going on and on about it."

"Beverly…" the counsellor said softly.

"No!"


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

"Will," Deanna called softly as she entered Captain Riker's ready room on the Titan.

"I know that tone of voice," Will said, looking up from his computer screen as Deanna rounded the desk and sat down comfortably on his lap. "What do you want?"

Deanna smiled, "I just heard that Counsellor Martin on the Enterprise is taking maternity leave for six months."

"And what has that got to do with you?" he asked smiling wryly, knowing his wife was after a favour of some kind.

"Well I was thinking," she said slowly. "I was thinking that I might volunteer to cover her position while she was gone. Maybe just half of the time she's off or something…"

"Why?" Will frowned.

"Well Beverly will be heading back there at the same time and… I'm fed up with this stalemate between her and the captain. I know what she's like. She's the most stubborn person I've ever met. She still won't tell me what is stopping her from being with the captain. If I let her go back, in her current frame of mind, she is just going to apply for the position at HQ and go!"

"I don't believe it!" Will exclaimed, throwing up both hands in mock disbelief. "I'm losing the best chief medical officer I have ever had, next month. She bedded my first officer and sent him packing for six months and now she's stealing my ships counsellor too! I'm beginning to wonder whether I should just park the Titan in the shuttle bay on the Enterprise and be done with it!"

"It's not that bad…" Deanna grinned.

"oh come on Deanna, now Beverly is stealing my wife!" he exclaimed, humour tingeing his voice. "Six months with no sex…"

"You'll cope," Deanna laughed. "Seriously though Captain. Can I register my interest? I can volunteer for the first month at least. That way I can leave when Beverly does."

"How can you ask your captain anything seriously when you're perched on his lap?" Will grinned.

Deanna wiggled her lips, affecting a gasp from her husband, "Come home early and we'll have a very, very, very early night," she purred in his ear.

"What are you doing?" Beverly asked perplexed as she watched Deanna dump a suitcase on the transporter pad beside hers and then assumed transport position.

"I'm coming with you," Deanna answered, not daring to look at the doctor.

Beverly was quiet for a moment, clearly confused by this turn of events. "With me?" she finally asked.

"To the Enterprise," Deanna affirmed.

"I don't need you to hold my hand," Beverly said quietly, aware of the transporter chief listening in on their conversation.

"I volunteered to cover for Counsellor Martin," Deanna said.

"Oh yes of course," Beverly said, mainly for the benefit of the transporter chief. "She's on maternity leave. So have we got you for the whole six months?"

"Just the first two," Deanna answered.

"Energise," Beverly ordered, deciding that she and Deanna needed to talk over the real reason for Deanna's sudden decision to cover her old post on the Enterprise without being overheard. Deanna's appearance took a back seat to the other more pressing matter that had been bothering her and had kept her awake all night long. Would Jean-Luc be there to greet her in the transporter room? If so, what should she do? She was still unsure of how she would react after being away from him for six months. Nella Daren was still on board too. None of her problems had been erased with her sabbatical. They were all still there on the Enterprise awaiting her return. Beverly had decided that she needed to run from them again.

She had almost begun to feel like her old self on the Titan, only to have the rug literally whipped from right under her feet with stupid Starfleet rules and regulations about transfers. She was being dumped right back into hell.

Beverly discovered that having Deanna there with her when she materialised on the Enterprise was a blessing in disguise. Jean-Luc was indeed there to meet them.

Sensing Beverly floundering at the sight of Jean-Luc, Deanna stepped in and gave the captain a quick hug. Ever since her wedding and subsequent transfer to the Titan, her relationship had changed with her old captain. They were now old dear friends rather than colleagues. A change that she had felt uncomfortable with at first, but now felt normal. The only thing she couldn't do was call him by his first name. That just didn't feel right and she remembered back to when he had asked her to call him Jean-Luc and he had laughed when she continued to call him Captain. She remembered him saying 'something's will never change' as he laughed.

"I was hoping you would have brought Number One back with you too," he said peering over the counsellor's shoulder.

Deanna laughed, "He's too comfy ordering people about," she winked.

"Hello Beverly," Jean-Luc said, turning to his oldest and dearest friend. He drank in the sight of her for as long as he could while remaining polite. She had changed her hair since the last time he had seen her, it was a little longer and darker than he remembered. God had he missed her. He could see that she was feeling uncomfortable. Unsure of what to do, he held out his arms to hug her.

Beverly didn't speak in return; instead she stepped into his arms and hugged him back. Their embrace lasted just a second or two longer than necessary.

"It's good to have you back," he said, pulling away.

Beverly nodded, still unable to speak.

"You both start work the day after tomorrow," he said, making conversation. "That will give you plenty of time to reacquaint yourself with Orange."

"What's with the letter I got from Orange?" Beverly asked, speaking for the first time. A genuine smile lit her face.

"What letter from Orange?" he answered.

"You sent me a letter from my fish," Beverly said slowly.

"I did?" he looked perplexed.

Beverly glanced at Deanna for answers. "You sent it about two months ago," Beverly said slowly. "Quite late at night…"

"You didn't get drunk or something because you definitely sent Beverly a letter from her fish," Deanna grinned, sensing his embarrassment.

Jean-Luc coughed and tugged on his jacket, "Oh."

Deanna and Beverly laughed.

"You shall have to show me that letter sometime," he said slowly. "I have no recollection of it whatsoever. Well, I have a meeting to attend. I'll leave you two to get settled in for the night. I believe you have been assigned to room three-four-four-nine Deanna."

"Thank you," Deanna and Beverly said in unison as they all headed off.

"Why are you following me?" Deanna asked, glancing over her shoulder at Beverly as she headed for the quarters she had been assigned to. "The captain said we should settle in and no That doesn't mean that you're moving in with me. You have you own quarters."

"Do you think I'm completely stupid?" Beverly asked, continuing to follow the counsellor.

"Of course not," Deanna answered, glancing at the numbers on the doors as she searched for hers. "Not completely anyway..."

"I don't need a babysitter," Beverly said slowly ignoring Deanna's attempt at humour.

"I never said you did."

"You and I both know that's why you took up this temporary position. I'm off my medication now. I'm fine. I'll be transferring from here again in a couple of months if all goes to plan and I get Pulaski's job. I can cope here fine until then."

"Ah ha!" Deanna exclaimed, finally finding her quarters. "Do come in," she said sarcastically after Beverly brushed past her into the room leaving her standing out in the corridor. With a roll of her eyes, the counsellor stepped inside.

"What are you planning?" Beverly demanded as soon as the doors closed behind them. She was desperately worried that Deanna had some kind of ulterior motive.

"I'm not planning anything," the counsellor answered.

"You didn't come here for old time's sake," Beverly countered. "If you're planning on interfering with Jean-Luc and I you can forget it. Just leave it alone."

"I'm here for you," Deanna said softly. "You have never spoken to Counsellor Martin about anything before and I know you won't because for you that's like admitting a weakness. I know how you tick and I'm here for you. You can tell me anything Beverly and I won't judge you."

Beverly heaved a sigh, "I'm fine! How many times do I have to tell you that before it sinks in?"

"You can tell me it until you are blue in the face," Deanna answered. "I will believe you when I sense that you are fine for myself."

"If you so much as breathe a single word about my relationship to Jean-Luc I will never forgive you."

Deanna studied Beverly for a moment; she could sense Beverly was furious and desperately worried about Deanna's intentions. "If he comes to me to talk about your relationship…"

"You can't talk to him!" Beverly snapped.

"Beverly I have to!" Deanna snapped back. "I'm the ships counsellor. It's my job! That's like me telling you not to treat Will!"

"I could have assigned Will another doctor…"

"Well in case you hadn't noticed, I am the only counsellor on this ship."

"I know!" Beverly snapped back, annoyed simply because Deanna was right.

"I cannot tell him anything you tell me," Deanna said softly. "I can only talk to him about his thoughts and his feelings. I am not able to break the Hippocratic Oath any more than you can. The same rules apply to my profession too."

"I know," Beverly sighed, calming down a little. She went and sat on the edge of Deanna's couch and ran her long fingers through her hair. "I guess I'm not fine…" she muttered.

Deanna laughed ruefully, "That's why I volunteered to cover for Counsellor Martin," she admitted slowly. "You're one of my best friends Beverly. I care for you and I didn't want you falling back into depression again because you've had to return here… to the scene of the crime as it were."

"I was feeling better," Beverly agreed with a nod. "I was beginning to feel like my old self again and now the thought of bumping into Nella Daren… well it makes my stomach turn over. I know that if I was my old self I'd have certainly put her in her place… I should have made it clear to Jean-Luc that I still needed to see him. I should have done something… but I just let it happen. This is my home! Why am I the one feeling the need to move away when it should be her going?"

"I expect she has no idea what's going on here…" the counsellor said slowly.

"Why?"

"The captain doesn't even know what's going on here," Deanna answered. "I don't even think you know what's actually going on here either."

Beverly frowned, clearly confused. "I know what's going on."

"What?"

Beverly pondered for a moment, "He met someone. It's serious and… I'm feeling lonely. I miss him. I miss our old relationship. I want him back."

"And?"

"And I love him," Beverly answered dutifully. Deanna had been priming her to admit her feelings for Jean-Luc for the six months she had been on the Titan. "And it... hurts. You'd have thought with all our medical advancements over the centuries we would have devised a cure for a broken heart."

Deanna laughed ruefully, "Have you ever told the captain how you feel?" she asked slowly.

Beverly shrugged, "Not in so many words," she answered.

"Then how is he supposed to know how you feel?" the counsellor asked. "If you look at your past behaviour towards him over the years, and imagined yourself as him, how would you interpret your actions? What would you see?"

"I don't know," Beverly answered with a sigh.

"You didn't even think about it," Deanna countered.

"I think I may need to sleep on that one," Beverly smiled rolling her eyes. "I've got over sixteen years to think about.

"I want a four thousand word report on my desk tomorrow morning," Deanna grinned.

Beverly rolled her eyes again, "Why do you want me to think about this?"

"It's important," Deanna answered. "I want you to try and see your relationship from his point of view."

"Well from my point of view it sucks!" the doctor laughed in good humour. "I don't suppose it's any better from his point of view."

"I want you to concentrate on your actions over the years and to think about how you would interpret your actions if you were him."

"Yes sir," Beverly said slowly, nodding her head.

"It might help you understand some of the decisions he has made over the years," Deanna continued.

"I didn't jump into bed with him. That's explains pretty much all of his actions…"

"It's not just that Beverly," Deanna said softly. "That's not all I want you to think about. Think about everything. From the many meals you have shared together to those good night kisses. Think about that night after Kesprytt. Think about your relationships with other men. Put yourself in his place."

Beverly was quiet for a moment, considering Deanna's request. "All right," she said slowly.

Deanna was hoping this exercise would enable Beverly to see that Jean-Luc was confused by her actions over the years and that he didn't know how Beverly felt for him. However, this wasn't going to help Beverly overcome the fear she felt about beginning a relationship with him. Deanna still was unable to extract the reasons for the doctors overwhelming fear. The counsellor felt as though she was banging her head against a brick wall. Beverly could be extremely stubborn and secretive when she wanted to be and until Beverly came clean and told Deanna what exactly she was afraid of, Deanna was unable to help.

"Go home," Deanna said slowly. "Tell Orange you are sorry for forgetting her. Then run yourself a nice hot bubble bath and soak in there until the water goes cold. While you are in there relaxing, do your homework. Put yourself in the captain's position."

"Can I eat at some point?" Beverly asked with a grin.

Deanna rolled her eyes, "Suit yourself."

Beverly got to her feet and stretched, "A hot bath sounds lovely."

"Do your homework…" Deanna called as Beverly headed out the door. "And don't forget your suitcase!"

"Oh," Beverly laughed, going back for it. "I'm going to have a big plate of mushroom stroganoff and wild rice…"

"Do your homework," Deanna ordered.

"And a glass or two of white wine in the bath…"

"And do your homework."

"Yes white wine and I'll do my damn homework," Beverly threw Deanna a wink before leaving for the night.

Deanna heaved a sigh and glanced down at her suitcase. She couldn't be bothered to unpack yet, so she sank down at the desk and logged into the computer to check her messages. Apparently Counsellor Martin had gone into premature labour and had given birth an hour ago. She had received a message from Dr Selar on behalf of the Enterprise's newest mother that Counsellor Martin had her last three counselling sessions scheduled for tomorrow morning and that now Deanna would have to step in. Deanna sent a quick reply saying it would be no problem and then accessed the counselling logs. To her surprise, Nella Daren had an appointment at eleven hundred hours.

Beverly sighed with contentment as she lay back amongst the bubbles breathing in the heady scent of macadamia nuts and kangaroo paw flower. She had a box of praline chocolates at one elbow and held a glass of ice cold white wine in her hand. Usually in this situation, she would have been reading just to get her mind away from her troubles, but Deanna had insisted she used the time to think about them!

She decided to start at the beginning, to put herself in Jean-Luc's position back at the beginning of their relationship. She didn't know whether Deanna meant to go back right to the very beginning, when she had been dating Jack or just to the commission of the Enterprise D sixteen years beforehand. She supposed that Deanna meant the beginning of their relationship on the Enterprise. Until then, they hadn't really spent much time together. In fact, apart from the occasional chance meeting after Jack had died, they hadn't really seen each other for years until she had joined the Enterprise.

She remembered finding out that Jean-Luc had tried to block her appointment as chief medical officer on his ship. Even now, after all these years, she wasn't entirely sure why he had done it. She had believed it was due to her husband's death under his command all those years before and that he hadn't wanted the responsibility of having more Crusher's under his command. Now, she also thought it was because he loved her back then and felt guilty. He had almost blocked her out of his life after Jack's funeral. She was sure the few replies she had received to her letters from him, were made out of politeness rather than him wanting to talk to her. His replies had been distant and almost formal and eventually she had taken the hint and stopped trying. Then the position of CMO had come up on the flagship of the Enterprise, under his command. She had fought hard for that position, rebuffing Jean-Luc's attempts to block her application. She had wanted to be near him and not even the infamous Jean-Luc Picard could stop her from getting what she wanted.

She heaved a sigh and remembered the first time she had seen Jean-Luc on the Enterprise. She was with Wesley, in the turbolift and remembered Jean-Luc barking at him that 'children were not allowed on the bridge!' before she herself had stepped into Jean-Luc's line of sight.

"Okay…" she said aloud, her voice echoing in the bathroom. "What was he thinking? Why didn't he want me there?" She thought for a moment, pondering his actions with her back on that first day on the Enterprise, using her familiarity with him, seventeen years later, as a gauge. "If I were him…" she said softly. "If I felt guilty for the way I felt about my best friend's wife after the husband had died under my command… I'd probably want the wife as far away from me as possible so that I could put all that behind me. I wouldn't want to dishonour the memory of my best friend."

She wondered what that must have felt like, being in love with your best friends girlfriend and then wife. Jean-Luc was best man at her wedding and had carried their gold wedding bands. He had had to stand there right beside the happy couple as they exchanged their vows and watched as Jack kissed the bride. It must have been torture for him. If what she was feeling right now with Jean-Luc and Nella was half of what Jean-Luc had felt back then…

She couldn't imagine standing there at the alter behind Jean-Luc as he declared to love, honour and obey Nella, exchanging their rings and watching him kiss his new bride. Beverly felt sick at the thought. No wonder he hadn't wanted her on the Enterprise. He had done exactly what she had tried to do, get away. He had left Earth on the Stargazer and she had transferred to the Titan. Except that Jean-Luc had had to take Jack Crusher with him. They were the best of friends. She tried to imagine what it might have been like for Jean-Luc all those years ago when Jack was alive. She wondered how she would feel if Nella Daren just happened to have been her best friend… or if Deanna had fallen for Jean-Luc… To have to listen to Deanna gush about her love life with Jean-Luc… Beverly grimaced at the mere thought. Jack probably spoke of her all the time to Jean-Luc and the entire time Jean-Luc had had to sit there and listen and to be happy for him.

Then after Jack's sad demise, over ten years had passed before she had landed her dream job on the flagship of the Enterprise. She remembered the look on Jean-Luc's face when he saw her for the first time in a decade. He knew she had got the position despite his attempts to block her application, so he knew that eventually he would have to see her in person. He had just stood there for a beat too long in silence, almost drinking in the sight of her. She remembered his eyes falling on Wesley as he realised who the boy was. He was the spitting image of his father and that must have hurt Jean-Luc too. Beverly tried hard to imagine what Jean-Luc was thinking back then. She remembered that she had innocently reminded him of Jack's death. Jean-Luc had then turned to Wesley, despite the fact he didn't like children and told Wesley that he had known his father and allowed him onto the bridge. Beverly now realised that Wesley had been the lesser of the two evils. He hadn't wanted to deal with her at that moment and most definitely didn't want to do it on the bridge in front of his crew. She herself had only been gone six months on the Titan, but standing there seeing Jean-Luc when she had returned earlier that evening had been horrible. She hadn't know how to act and had seized the topic of Orange and the letter to break the ice, just as Jean-Luc had done with Wesley all those years before.

As she lay there soaking in the bath, Beverly realised that what she was going through now with Nella, was nothing compared to what Jean-Luc had gone through all those years ago. She was just having a small taste of her own medicine. She felt guilty, although rationally she knew it wasn't really any of her doing. She had been totally oblivious to Jean-Luc's feelings all those years ago.

During their first year on the Enterprise, Jean-Luc had done his best to keep her at arm's length and she hadn't really noticed until she had returned to the Enterprise after heading up Starfleet HQ for a year how different things had become between them. During that first year she had been going through a difficult situation of her own. She had realised, thanks to the arrival of one of Jean-Luc's ex-girlfriends, that she was jealous. It was only then, much to her surprise that she had realised that she had feelings for Jean-Luc. She had been flirting with him before then of course; it was in her nature to tease him. She was and always had been mischievous. She delighted in seeing him blush and tug on his uniform uncomfortably, but she had no idea back then how he felt and certainly hadn't realised she loved him.

The thought of her relentless teasing moved the doctor's thoughts along. She had flirted with him continuously throughout the years and had had no idea how he felt about her. How must that have felt? Had he still been struggling with his guilt? Had she been pouring salt into his wounds? She had left the Enterprise for HQ after realising how she felt for Jean-Luc and had wanted to distance herself from him, almost as if it were some kind of test to see how strong her feelings for him were. She herself had had misgivings at first about falling for her late husband's best friend. However, Beverly was rational above all else, she knew it was ridiculous. She had had a few conversations with Jack about what would happen if he didn't make it back from the Stargazer in one piece. Most of the times those conversations had been in jest, Beverly teasing Jack that she would find herself another lover who wasn't losing his hair and that because the house would all be paid for with insurance credits, she'd get herself that new kitchen she had always wanted and pay a gardener to landscape their garden. During all their laughter, Jack had always insisted that he wanted her to be happy and that he didn't want her to spend the rest of her life alone. He had told her to find someone else, in fact he had insisted on it. She remembered telling him the exact same thing if something had happened to her. She knew that Jack would not mind, if he was there watching her from beyond, if she happened to find that happiness with Jean-Luc. Jack would have seen two of the people he cared for most in this world happy, and that was all that would matter to him.

She realised that Jean-Luc had slowly come to that conclusion too. She had read that in his mind on Kesprytt at the same time as she had heard for the first time he was in love with her.

Beverly squeezed her eyes shut at the memory of that day ten years ago. It still caused her pain and regret. She remembered Jean-Luc telling her aloud that he had slowly begun to realise he didn't feel love for her anymore, but all the while his mind had been telling her the opposite. "Friends…" Beverly said aloud, knowing that was the furthest thing from the truth, but as usual that fear had made her hold back and retreat into the comfort of that friendship. She watched as Jean-Luc did the same, echoing her sentiments about their friendship.

She had thought that was where they still were, back in the safety of that friendship when Jean-Luc had invited her over for dinner later in sickbay while they had their implants removed. She had agreed because she was starving and thought it would be nice to eat with her best friend. She had no idea of what was about to come. In hindsight, she should have noticed something was up when she had discovered his quarters bathed in soft candlelight. She realised that while she had been so preoccupied in reading Jean-Luc's mind and learning of his love for her, she hadn't thought that he in turn must have been doing the same to her mind. She couldn't remember what she had been thinking. He had told her that they now knew how each of them felt… what did he think she felt? She had desperately wanted to know, but couldn't bring herself to ask. Instead she had leaned forward and kissed him on his cheek, pressing her face against his. She wasn't ready. Pure and simple. She knew as she left him inside his quarters alone and headed home that she had damaged their relationship.

"What was he feeling?" she said aloud, remembering the point to all this was to put herself into Jean-Luc's mind, not wallow in her own feelings of self-pity and regret.

Again Beverly's mind returned to all her teasing. That very night she had teased him about having erotic dreams. He hadn't been as embarrassed as usual. In fact he had smiled. She should have noticed that too, but she hadn't and had continued to tease him, telling him she knew he thought about her during the day too. She had been leading him on and then to shoot him down when he had taken the first step, when he had put their friendship on the line and been brave enough to try and further their relationship. He must have been devastated. Beverly remembered fearing that Jean-Luc would not want to have her in his life anymore; she for the first time had actually gone to Deanna to ask for help. Deanna had told her that she should go back and explain her decision, but she had baulked at the very idea and had avoided Jean-Luc for a fortnight. She had then made the decision to act as if nothing had happened and had swallowed her nerves and gone to Jean-Luc's for breakfast as soon as she felt able, drawing on all her acting skills to act nonchalant despite what she was feelin inside, she had pulled him back into that beautiful friendship they had shared for the past seven years. And that was where they had been ever since, until Nella had returned fourteen months ago and taken up where she had left off eleven years beforehand.

Beverly wondered how Jean-Luc could fall in love with all these women he met over the years if he loved her as much as she had sensed he did at the campfire on Kesprytt. Had he turned his back on her in the romantic sense after she had turned him down? His relationships never lasted long; a few months at the most, he always came back to their friendship. She didn't mind him having flings and when she noticed that he was attracted to these women she had stepped aside, allowing him to go because deep down she knew he would be back. Of course, she was jealous; it was only natural given her love for him. She also knew it wasn't right for her to stop him having a love life when she was unable to give him what he wanted and she knew she didn't really have a right to feel the way she was feeling now that he was with Nella.

Beverly knew all the suffering she was going through was through no fault of Jean-Luc's and she was the one to blame. She deserved this. After all, she had done the same to him over the years. She hadn't been celibate since she discovered that she was in love with Jean-Luc all those years ago. She had had her own flings. What had Jean-Luc thought about those few brief romances she had had?

Her relationship with Odan had happened before she had discovered how Jean-Luc truly felt for her. Of course she had known there was an attraction, but she had no idea that Jean-Luc was in love with her. She had hidden her relationship with the ambassador from the rest of the crew and Deanna of course had been the first person to notice.

She had often wondered how everyone had found out about her secretive relationship with the ambassador. She knew Deanna wouldn't have betrayed a confidence. Beverly hadn't told Jean-Luc herself about her new relationship and she didn't think Deanna would have gone up to Jean-Luc and told him that Beverly was involved with Odan. Beverly wondered who would have told him, because suddenly Jean-Luc had seemed to know.

"Odan…" she said softly. She realised now that Odan must have said something to Jean-Luc. Odan had no idea that he was treading on Jean-Luc's toes, so he wouldn't have had any compunctions about speaking to Jean-Luc, whom he knew to be Beverly's best friend. How must that have felt for Jean-Luc? She remembered that he had been there for her, despite the fact she had told him she was fine, he had seen through it and called her on it. She was so blinded by what had happened to Odan that she hadn't ever really thought about Jean-Luc's feelings on the matter. He hid his emotions well, but despite her being in love with another man he had been there for her as a shoulder to cry on. He had also been there for her when she had fallen for the entity known as Ronin. He had seen that something wasn't right and had gone after her and she remembered throwing his jealousy in his face as she stood there with her arms around her ghostly lover. Even still, Jean-Luc hadn't abandoned her, he was there for her. Afterwards, when she had been feeling acutely embarrassed by the whole incident, Jean-Luc had again been there for her.

Beverly took a sip of her wine, savouring the taste on her tongue before swallowing. Throughout all the years she had known Jean-Luc, all he had ever shown was that he cared deeply for her, was in love with her and that he wanted her to be happy, even if it was with another man. Beverly realised that all she had done over the years was confuse him, he probably had no idea whether she loved him or not. No wonder he had tried to move on over the years with other women. She had never directly shown her displeasure with his relationships before, and remembered even teasing him about Vash. She had never really done anything before to say once and for all that she did indeed love him in return.

Beverly pushed a chocolate into her mouth, trying to stop herself from crying. She had been horrible to him over the years, flirting with him relentlessly but never having the courage to see it through. The one and only time that he had asked her to be with him, she had bolted from his presence and acted as if nothing had ever happened between them, and yet he had still been there for her. Jean-Luc was the true constant in her life and she loved him more than she had ever loved any man, but there was that constant feeling of dread that made her keep her distance from him. She knew her fear was ridiculous, but there was that little sliver of doubt in the back of her mind each time she thought about acting on her feelings. It was too big a risk to take.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

"Come in," Deanna called after the door chime sounded in the counselling chambers. She was uncharacteristically worried about this upcoming appointment. She wondered if Nella would even want to keep her appointment when she discovered who her counsellor would be.

Nella walked inside and stopped, blinking in surprise when her eyes landed on Deanna Riker. "Oh?" she said, obviously not knowing there had been a change of staff. "Deanna?"

"Counsellor Martin gave birth yesterday," Deanna explained softly. "I am here to cover her maternity leave," she could sense Nella's unease at this sudden turn of events. "I wasn't supposed to start for another few days. But babies arrive when they want to," Deanna added a smile, hoping to help Nella relax a little.

"Oh…" Nella said slowly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

"If you'd rather I arranged something else…" Deanna began.

Nella shook her head quickly; she didn't want to draw any more attention to herself than necessary. She was already embarrassed enough as it was. "I… This is the first time I've ever had an appointment to see any kind of counsellor," she admitted slowly.

"Really?" the counsellor said softly. "Don't worry," she smiled. "I won't bite and of course anything you say in here to me will never leave this room."

"I'm not sure," Nella said hesitantly. "I … I think you may have a conflict of interest."

'Frank as usual,' Deanna thought. "I am here doing my job. You're talking to Counsellor Riker, not Deanna. I promise you Nella I will be totally objective."

Nella pondered Deanna's words for a moment, shifting her weight again as she stood just inside the doors. She had nobody else on the Enterprise to talk to and Deanna was paid to listen and to be impartial. Deanna wouldn't have got to where she was now in her career without being a top-notch counsellor. "How does it go?" she asked, deciding to give Deanna a chance.

"Well that depends on what you want," Deanna answered. "Whatever makes you feel more comfortable."

"Do I have to lie down?" Nella asked.

"If you want to," the counsellor answered. She sensed Nella's need for this to be informal as possible. "Or we could have a cup of tea and a chat?"

Nella nodded instantly, "Tea," she said with a relieved smile.

"Take a seat," Deanna patted the couch beside her. "I'll get the tea."

"Thanks," Nella answered, following her instructions.

Deanna watched Nella perch herself on the very edge of the couch as she ordered tea from the replicator. She could sense that Nella was feeling very uncomfortable with this turn of events and also knew that Nella really needed a shoulder to cry on and was desperate enough to confide in the enemy – so to speak.

Once she had poured the tea and settled back comfortably on the couch beside her patient, Deanna turned and waited to see what Nella would do. She seemed to have found something rather interesting in the depths of her tea and was staring at it almost as if she were afraid it would go away.

Slowly Nella lifted her eyes and met the counsellors, "Where do I start?" she asked softly.

"Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?" Deanna suggested. "You were on board for only a short time twelve years ago. We didn't really get a chance to get to know one and other properly. I don't know anything about your past. Do you have children?"

Nella smiled, "I do. I have a son and a daughter," she answered smiling wistfully as she thought of them. "My son Andrew lives with his boyfriend on Betazed. They are both marine biologists, Mitchell, my sons boyfriend is a Betazoid. I haven't seen them for years, but we speak regularly on subspace. My daughter Carla is a lawyer and runs her own firm back on Earth, in Perth Australia. She's a single parent of twin girls, Tasha and Tianna. Her boyfriend left her when she was pregnant, but she's very determined and has done a wonderful job raising the girls by herself. I couldn't be a prouder grandmother. I visit them whenever I'm able to."

"What about their father?" Deanna probed.

"The twins?"

"No the father of your son and daughter," the counsellor explained.

"Oh," Nella's face fell. "He's shacked up with his fourth wife somewhere in the quadrant. I was wife number one. Still… I guess when I met him he didn't have the track record of a womaniser yet. I was victim number one. We were both teenagers when we met, back at the academy in Australia. I fell head over heels for him and he for me. We married at twenty-two and divorced at thirty after I'd had two of his nine children. I discovered he had been cheating with a so called friend of mine. I found out later that he had also had fathered a son I didn't know about with yet another woman," Nella paused, looking towards the counsellor for her reaction.

"You never sought counselling after the divorce?" Deanna asked.

Nella shook her head, "No. I'm very… stubborn. I refuse to admit my weaknesses; according to my daughter anyway. She's big on therapy and self-help texts. She fancies herself as a bit of an armchair psychologist. I'm more of a… I prefer to revenge my hurts. My ex-husband had a lovely top of the range shuttlecraft. It wasn't so lovely after I'd finished with it."

Deanna grinned at the wicked glint in Nella's eyes.

"I felt a lot better after doing that," Nella continued with a smile. "I haven't been in a… serious relationship since I left him until now. It's been a long time," she said slowly. Nella paused, turning sad.

Deanna felt the wave of melancholy wash over Nella and Deanna realised for the first time that Beverly and Jean-Luc were not the only ones in pain over this situation. Nella knew something was very wrong. Deanna wondered how much Nella knew. The counsellor didn't interrupt Nella's train of thought and sat back patiently waiting for Nella to continue.

"I … I recognise the signs," she said slowly. "I don't think Jean-Luc is cheating on me," she added hesitantly. "But I know our relationship is on its last legs," her eyes filled with tears and she reached over, taking a tissue out of the box conveniently left on the coffee table. "I don't want it to end…" she admitted softly.

"What makes you think it's about to end?" Deanna asked gently.

"Everything was fine before," Nella answered. "It's like he's been gently extracting himself from my grasp these past few months. I've tried talking to him and he tells me nothing is wrong… However, I saw his reaction the day he found out… He wouldn't tell me what was wrong then. I found out what it was a few days later, I put two and two together."

Deanna frowned, thoroughly confused. "What did he find out?" she asked.

"That she was leaving the ship," Nella answered sourly.

Deanna remained calm and kept an impassive expression on her face, "Who?" she asked.

"You know damn well who I'm talking about," Nella snapped, instantly she winced. "I'm sorry Deanna," she said quickly. "I didn't mean to snap."

"It's okay," Deanna answered.

"I don't know what the deal is with them," Nella continued. "I thought they were just friends. Last time I was here, I remember her walking off and leaving me alone with Jean-Luc in Ten Forward. I remember chatting to her in sickbay about Jean-Luc's flute and how we were playing music together, Beverly seemed fine. Then she ups and leaves the ship out of the blue and suddenly Jean-Luc grows distant. Jean-Luc said it's because she missed you and Will, now that Data and Worf are gone and Geordi is engaged and he and I were together, Beverly was feeling lonely."

"Maybe that's all it is," Deanna said softly.

Nella studied Deanna for a while before answering, "I'm sorry Deanna," she said slowly. "I'm not an idiot. It's obvious to me that it's more than that. I know Beverly has her feelers out, looking for another position elsewhere. I have connections. Michael Garretson, who I have known for many many years, had a brief affair with her on the Titan. He is now holed up at HQ feeling sorry for himself. Apparently he is the reason she's not applying for the permanent position on the Titan with you. He was after all on the Titan first. Her plans were scuppered."

Deanna's mind was spinning; Nella had certainly been doing her homework. She had some _very good_ connections. Deanna wondered what else Nella was privy to.

"I came out and asked Jean-Luc right to his face whether Beverly had left the ship because she was in love with him and was jealous of me," Nella continued, she paused, her jaw twitching as she fought to control her emotions. She clutched the tissue between tense fingers, pulling it apart slowly and dropping the little bits forgotten to the floor.

Deanna watched the little white pieces flutter to the floor and wondered if it was symbolic of what Nella wanted to do to Beverly. Nella was spot on in her assessment and Deanna desperately wanted to know what Jean-Luc's answer to that particular question was, but she remained calm and fair-minded. She listened, just as she listened to any other patient.

"He said no," Nella answered. "He said it's because she was lonely and all that crap. That's when he told me she had begun her relationship with Michael. Do you think he believes I'm unable to tell when he's lying?" she asked, turning to look Deanna right in the eye. "By the way he thinks she's still with Michael. I didn't tell him they had split up… He really doesn't think I know how to tell when he's lying does he?"

"I haven't seen you both together," Deanna answered diplomatically.

Nella resisted the urge to roll her eyes, "Right…" she breathed.

"What do you want to do about this?"

"I don't want it to end," Nella answered emotionally, she grabbed another tissue and wiped at the tears falling down her cheeks. "I know he really likes her and she in all likelihood probably loves him… I'm... piggy in the middle."

Deanna scooted across the chair and pulled Nella close as her patient broke down into sobs. Nella had been fighting to control her emotions ever since she had walked into the counselling chambers, but now it seemed Nella had lost the fight. It was clear to Deanna that Nella loved Jean-Luc very much and knew her relationship was coming to an end. It wasn't fair. This poor woman had been caught up in Beverly and Jean-Luc's mess of a relationship and Deanna's heart went out to her despite the fact that she knew Beverly belonged with Jean-Luc. Nella, although vilified by Beverly over the past few months, was actually the innocent person. In fact, the guilty party in all this was Beverly herself. She was the one who was holding back. Beverly was the one who had the problem. Jean-Luc was only trying to move on with his life and Beverly had thrown a proverbial spanner into the works by leaving the ship suddenly and bringing herself to the forefront of Jean-Luc's mind once again.

Deanna knew that Jean-Luc had carefully wrapped up his feelings for Beverly and stored them somewhere in the back of his mind so that he could move on with his life. Deanna didn't blame him in the slightest; he had no reason to continue pining over Beverly. Moving on was the healthy thing to do. Beverly had never given him a definite sign to let him know what she was feeling. That was until she had transferred to the Titan.

"What should I do?" Nella asked desperately, pulling out of Deanna's embrace.

"I honestly don't know Nella," Deanna answered softly. "It's not my job to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. I'm here to help you make the decision and to support you."

"She's planning on transferring again," Nella said in response.

Deanna nodded; there was no point in denying what Nella had already discovered for herself with her connections.

"She's going because of me?"

"I can't tell you either way," Deanna answered.

"You haven't confirmed my suspicions either," Nella said slowly. "They are in love with each other aren't they?" She watched Deanna's face very closely, trying to discern any sign of a response from the counsellor's pretty face. Deanna frustratingly, didn't give anything away.

Deanna raised both eyebrows, "You know I can't tell you either way," she answered again in carefully measured words. "You should sit down and have a proper conversation with the captain. You can't keep all this inside to yourself."

"I can't," she answered in a small voice.

"Why?"

"If I tell him my suspicions…"

"That you'd just be helping him find the courage to leave you if you bring it up first?" Deanna finished for her.

"Exactly," she answered. "If I tell him to his face I think he's in love with Beverly…"

"Nella," Deanna reached for her hand. Taking it, she waited until she had Nella's full attention. "He does love you very much."

Nella's eyes once again filled with tears, "Sometimes that's not enough," she answered, getting to her feet. "I'm done," she said, short and to the point. "Sorry about the mess on the floor…"

"Don't worry," Deanna answered.

"Right…" Nella breathed slowly. "Thank you."

"Remember I'm always here if you need to talk some more," Deanna called; Nella was already halfway out the door.

"Yeah, thanks," Nella replied with a brief wave before disappearing behind the closed doors.

Deanna sank back against the couch and heaved a sigh. She was feeling the beginnings of what was promising to be a very bad headache. "Riker to Dr Crusher," she called, tapping her comm badge.

"Crusher here."

"Where are you?"

"In my quarters."

"I'm on my way. Get your medi kit out. I have a killer of a headache brewing."

"Aye sir," Crusher answered with a chuckle. "Crusher out."


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

"I've got some good news," Beverly said as soon as Deanna appeared in her quarters. She patted the couch, telling Deanna to sit. The medi kit was laid out on the coffee table all ready to go.

"Good news?" Deanna, who was still trying to rid herself of the negative emotions after her session with Nella Daren, frowned at the sudden change of mood. She sank down on Beverly's couch and watched as Beverly ran the medical tricorder over her.

"I've been shortlisted for the position of Head of Medical," Beverly announced. "I literally just got the notification a second after you called."

"Congratulations," Deanna said automatically and without her usual enthusiasm. She wondered whether she should tell Beverly what was really on her mind. This whole situation was really beginning to annoy her. If Beverly would just open up and tell her what it was that had her so frightened about having a relationship with the captain, she could help her. However, until Beverly did, Deanna was powerless to do anything. Meanwhile, Jean-Luc appeared to be holding on to Nella while he decided on his future. She wondered whether Jean-Luc knew he was hurting Nella. She doubted it, she didn't think he was capable of intentionally hurting anyone, but she made a mental note to go and speak with the captain later that day.

"I haven't definitely got the job yet," Beverly said as she busied herself preparing the correct dosage of medication for Deanna's headache. "It's a good sign though."

"Mmm hmm," Deanna muttered.

"What's wrong?" Beverly asked, pressing the hypo against the counsellor's neck. Deanna's mood hadn't escaped her notice.

Deanna shook her head, "Nothing," she lied. "Did you do your homework?"

Beverly pursed her lips together and began to pack away the medi kit. "How is your head now?"

"It's better. From your reaction, I'm taking it as a yes," Deanna said slowly.

"Who would dare disobey you?" Beverly asked flippantly.

"Tell me why you are so afraid."

"Deanna…" Beverly whined instantly.

"You would dare to disobey me!" Deanna grinned.

"I did it okay," Beverly said, grabbing the medi kit she walked over to her bedside and left it there where she kept it for emergency night calls. "Hence the reason I'm really gunning for Katherine's job."

"Your response is to leave?" Deanna asked as Beverly returned to the living area.

"Of course," the doctor answered nonchalantly.

This wasn't the reaction that Deanna had been hoping for. She had hoped that Beverly would realise how much Jean-Luc cared for her and that it would spur her into fighting for the man she loved. Instead it seemed that Beverly was now even more determined to leave the ship than before. Her plan had seemingly backfired. "But why?" she asked, exasperated.

Beverly looked baffled at Deanna's reaction, "Because I've done nothing but mess the poor man about all these years. I'm a bitch and Jean-Luc deserves to be happy. If Nella is the woman who makes him happy, who am I to stand in the way? I need to do the decent thing and leave him alone to get on with his life."

"But you're in love with him…" Deanna said softly.

"If Jean-Luc is happy, then so am I," Beverly answered, sounding sure of herself.

Deanna sensed that Beverly believed what she was saying was true and had probably convinced herself it was the right thing to do the night before. However, Deanna knew Beverly would not be happy and that she would probably fall right back into depression. She wondered what Beverly would do if Jean-Luc and Nella split up. They would be back once again in that never-ending circle. Beverly would probably wait a week or so and then begin her usual routine of breakfasts and dinners with Jean-Luc. It would stay that way until one of them, usually Jean-Luc, met someone new and it would start all over again.

Deanna knew it was impossible, but she was sure her headache had suddenly begun to return. If this situation wasn't so tragic, it would be funny.

"I can't take much more of this," Deanna said as soon as her husband's face filled the screen. She was blissfully alone in her quarters, away from the screwed up love triangle.

"What's happened?" Will asked in concern.

"Well Nella came to see me today," Deanna explained. "She knows that Beverly and the captain are in love with each other and she's really struggling. She loves the captain so much and although he loves her in return…"

"He loves Beverly more," Will finished.

"Exactly," she nodded. "Nella knows that the captain will probably end their relationship soon and is dreading it. I feel really sorry for her. It's so sad. The captain appears to be holding onto Nella and is clueless that Nella knows anything is wrong. He doesn't know he's causing her pain."

"He's holding onto her until he makes up his mind what to do?"

"I think so," Deanna sighed. "He loves Nella but he seems to be waiting for a signal from Beverly."

"Ahh," Will said slowly. "It's not right to hold onto her like that, waiting for a sign."

"Seriously… he's more likely to get divine intervention! Beverly is being really stubborn as usual. She's decided that she's been a bitch to him all the years she's known him and has decided that she is going to leave the Enterprise for good. She's leaving Jean-Luc to be alone with Nella."

Will rolled his eyes, "You're kidding."

"No," Deanna shook her head. "She's been shortlisted for the position of head of medical."

"She'll no doubt get the job," Will said slowly. "Well the successful applicant doesn't start their new job for another few months. She's going to be there on the Enterprise for a while yet."

"And if Nella and the captain's relationship falls apart…"

"Beverly will change her mind and stay," he said, filling in the gaps. "And go straight back to the old routine."

"Yes, like I said. I can't take much more of this," she said putting her head into her hands. "I was close to losing it with Beverly this morning. I need her to tell me what it is that frightens her so much!"

"Can you sense anything apart from anxiety when she thinks about … becoming the captain's lover?

"She's … embarrassed," Deanna said with a shrug. "I can't tell whether she has an embarrassing problem or whether she's embarrassed because she's scared."

"Well I'm sure you'll figure it out," Will said softly.

"Will…" she said softly. "I think if this continues for much longer I'm going to end up screaming at Beverly."

Will raised his eyebrows and couldn't hide his amusement at the mere thought. "Are you crazy!" he laughed. "You want to get on the wrong side of her?"

"I don't want to…," she grinned. "But the thought of her screaming back at me is probably the only thing that's stopping me from losing my temper."

Will chuckled, "I'd love to be a fly on that wall."

"I know you would," Deanna shook her head.

"Maybe…" he said slowly. "Maybe the only way to get through to her is to shout and tell it like it really is."

"Well you're quite welcome to have a go yourself," Deanna winked at him.

Will gave an over exaggerated shudder, "I'll pass thank you."

Deanna laughed, "Coward."

"No… I'm a busy Starfleet captain and I'm many light years away…"

"Excuses, excuses."

"I think as a last resort you should yell at her," Will said thoughtfully. "Take a phaser with you though…" he winked. "Beverly is very stubborn and sometimes you have to speak louder for her to hear over her own mind telling her 'don't give in, don't give in' or whatever it is going on in that head of hers. If your usual methods don't work, just the shock of you raising your voice might get through to her. She's only ever seen you angry before when you lost your empathic sense. You remember?"

"I… Yes I do," Deanna nodded slowly. "I blamed her for it."

Will nodded, "Yes and she was so surprised she didn't snap back. She listened and she took it in and she did what you wanted her to do. She felt guilty."

"And then I felt guilty," Deanna took a deep steady breath. "I was a complete bitch when that happened."

"You were scared," he said softly. "But I think you may need to find that inner bitch in order to deal with Beverly's outer bitch."

Deanna laughed, "If all else fails I might take that into consideration."

"Deanna I am bored," Beverly said as she hung from the main entrance into Deanna's quarters.

Deanna had just finished her conversation with Will and had been planning a nice hot bubble bath of her own to figure out what to do about the pain in the butt standing in her threshold.

"I don't start back to work until tomorrow…" Beverly stepped inside, holding one hand behind her back.

"What's behind your back?" Deanna asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

"Well…" Beverly said slowly, pulling out what she was hiding. "I thought we might have a drink together."

"Is it alcoholic?" Deanna asked, immediately tempted. Maybe alcohol would loosen the redheads tongue enough to get her talking.

Beverly looked down at the bottle in her hand, "Well no," she said slowly. "You want the real stuff?"

"Yeah but I haven't got any," Deanna sighed. "I thought it might be fun for one night just to let our hair down."

Beverly again considered the bottle in her hand, it was her favourite synthehol tipple, but she did have whiskey hidden in her wardrobe, a present from Guinan. "I think I may have a bottle. It's really disgusting hence the reason I still have it, but I'm sure it will do the job," she handed the other bottle she was holding over to Deanna.

"Go get it!" Deanna said happily. "We can play a game or something. I'll set something up while you're gone."

"Yes sir!" Beverly said, executing a perfect about turn after giving Deanna a salute and she headed back to her quarters to get the whiskey. "I'll replicate some taste bud suppressants while I'm at it," she threw a wink at the counsellor.

She arrived back at the lift she had just ridden down in and pressed the call button. It wasn't long before the lift arrived and its doors parted to reveal something she had dreaded happening for months. Jean-Luc and Nella were both inside the lift alone. Beverly's stomach dropped into her boots. She had no other choice than to walk in and join them. She could have feigned that she had forgotten something, but that would make her discomfort obvious. Therefore, she squared her shoulders and walked inside as nonchalantly as she could. She turned back to face the doors as custom after giving her colleagues a nod of acknowledgement.

"Deck eight," Beverly said, wanting to be in her quarters now more than ever before.

The tension inside the lift was palpable, especially when, only a deck or so up, the lift stopped, the doors parted and nobody moved.

"Nella?" Jean-Luc said, breaking the silence.

Nella jumped at the sudden noise, "Oh yes," she muttered. "I was miles away."

Beverly stole a glance over her shoulder and was greeted with an icy blue glare as Nella passed her and headed quite reluctantly out of the lift. It was obvious to Beverly that Nella hadn't wanted to leave Jean-Luc alone in the lift with her. It was also obvious that Nella knew something was going on between the two friends.

The doors closed once again and Beverly found herself enclosed in a small space with Jean-Luc. She could feel his eyes on the back of her head and knew somehow that he was going to ask the lift to halt. She wondered whether she should pre-empt his request, to tell him she had some kind of emergency so he knew she didn't have time to talk, but then remembered that she wasn't due back on official duty until the following day and had no excuse She closed her eyes, bracing herself for the inevitable.

"Beverly?" Jean-Luc said softly.

"Yes?" she answered, not turning to look at him. She didn't dare, she wasn't ready for this conversation.

"Beverly look at me," he said in a coaxing voice.

Beverly heaved a sigh and turned to look at him.

"Computer halt lift," he called.

Beverly was sorely tempted to ask the lift to resume, but something made her stop. This could be her opportunity to put this whole mess to bed and to move on with her life. "Deanna is waiting for me," she said, thinking of the first thing that came into her head.

Jean-Luc took one look at Beverly's face and realised that she was extremely uncomfortable in his presence and it really hurt him. He had never intended for any of this to happen.

"I'm so sorry," he confessed and tried reaching for her hand.

Beverly looked surprised by his confession but at the same time, moved her hand out of his reach. It was almost as if his skin would burn hers.

Jean-Luc could see that she was battling within to stop herself crying, she looked away, staring somewhere to her left. "Beverly I never meant any of this," he said softly, hoping she'd lose her temper and tell him how she really felt. However, she didn't, she remained mute.

"I need to know how you are feeling," he said slowly.

Beverly's eyes shot to his for a second before returning to where they were. "Deanna is waiting for me," she repeated in a tight voice.

"Deanna will wait," he answered flatly.

Beverly lifted her eyes to glare at him.

Jean-Luc could see that she was trying to think of something to respond with, but unusually she couldn't think of anything. "I realise that we usually do anything that we can to avoid having any kind of conversation about our… relationship. However," he paused watching Beverly's eyes dart to the lift doors looking for escape. "I think the time has come for the both of us to be honest with each other. How are you?" he began with a question.

"I'm f…"

"And don't tell me you are fine," he interrupted her before she could fob him off. "I can quite clearly see that you are not fine and that you haven't been fine for almost a year."

Beverly glared at him, "I see you have been rehearsing this conversation for a while."

Jean-Luc nodded, "Honestly, I have been working up the courage for a few months."

"Well you have me at a disadvantage," Beverly answered, looking for a way out. "I need some time to think…"

"I know you Beverly," he answered. "You have probably been thinking of nothing else too. You didn't leave here for six months on a whim. You are not irrational. You wanted to be anywhere but here. I believe you left here because of me. You've had six months on the Titan to think. Now Beverly, how are you?"

"Pissed," Beverly muttered rolling her eyes. "I don't have to answer any of your questions. This has nothing to do with Starfleet…"

"Oh so you want to continue like this do you?" he asked. "I know I caused this, but are you sure you want to throw away our friendship like this? To not even try to repair some of the damage?"

He continued his plea when Beverly didn't answer, "We've been best friends for sixteen or so years now and known each other for… for what seems like forever." Jean-Luc knew he was hiding behind the façade of friendship rather than love, but it seemed that was what Beverly wanted. To mention the L word might scare her off completely.

"You forgot about me!" she snapped suddenly, causing Jean-Luc to jump. "It was like I'd completely disappeared from your life and you didn't even notice! Not until I just so happened to forget to press the send button on my monthly report. That was the first time in ages that you actually remembered I existed!"

"I realise I was…"

"No you don't!" Beverly snapped. "We are the only two single members of the original senior staff left … well we were. We used to laugh about that, do you remember? After Geordi met Charlotte. Then you left me there alone. I don't mind if you're happy. I love that you're happy, but if it were me I would never have totally abandoned you! I would have made a point of seeing you and catching up. I have never felt so alone and isolated in my life before…"

"I hear you," he said slowly. "I was wrong. There is no excuse for that. I am so, so sorry. However," he paused, carefully mapping out his next words. "Apparently it's so easy for people to see how I truly feel for you…" He heard Beverly suck in a shocked breath. "Nella is quite insecure… I didn't want her to worry."

"Oh now that makes me feel great!" she snapped, ignoring his subtle way of telling her he loved her. The fact he had mentioned Nella's name in the same breath really annoyed her. "Nella's insecurities come before our friendship? I would never have done anything. You know I wouldn't…"

Jean-Luc saw Beverly's bottom lip tremble as she turned away from him, her emotions finally getting the better of her.

Jean-Luc swallowed his own emotions, watching the pain evident on her face was almost too much for him. He had never realised how much he had hurt her until now. He had always believed Beverly was the toughest woman he ever knew. He knew she had a vulnerable side, but he could count the number of times he had seen it on one hand.

"I'm so sorry," he rasped emotionally. "I never meant to ignore you. Those months passed in a blur to me. I didn't realise how long it was since I'd seen you properly. You could have said something…

"Don't you lay one single ounce of blame on me," she snapped immediately. "You were having so much fun with your new redhead you forgot about the old one! I shouldn't have to have said something! Don't you dare blame me!"

"I didn't mean…" he shook his head. "Beverly do you love me?" he decided just to blurt out what he desperately needed to know. She made a guttural sound and stared at him for a moment as if she was sure he hadn't said what she had heard. "Do you?" he asked, when she didn't answer. "I need to know," he said, less confidently. He wondered whether he had just made the biggest mistake of his life. "Do you love me?" he asked, knowing he had to pursue this now he had taken the first step.

Beverly couldn't even look at him, tears welled in her eyes as she stood there pleading for her to tell him how she truly felt.

"I'm not asking you to do anything. Nothing has to change…" he said hesitantly. "I just need to know. I really need to know. Do you love me?"

Suddenly, out of the blue, Beverly thumped him on his chest with one hand. It didn't hurt, but made him stumbled backwards against the wall of the lift. It appeared that one thump hadn't satisfied the doctor nearly enough, she soon started pummelling her fists against his chest.

"Beverly stop," Jean-Luc said softly. "Stop Beverly," he pleaded. "Stop it!" he snapped. Beverly wasn't listening, she continued hitting him until Jean-Luc grabbed her wrists, holding them between his hands either side of her head. Worried that she might use the two limbs she had been left control of to kick him where it hurt, he turned them so that she was now pressed against the wall.

Beverly bowed her head, sobbing into his chest quietly.

Jean-Luc let go of her wrists and pulled her into his embrace, holding her close. "I'm sorry," he whispered into her ear. He decided not to press her anymore on her feelings for him, but changed tactics. "Beverly," he said softly. "Do you want me to leave Nella?" he asked.

Immediately Beverly answered, "Yes." Almost immediately afterwards, she followed up her response. "No! I mean no! Stay with her. Stay with Nella."

Jean-Luc pulled back to look at her face. Determination shone in Beverly's glassy eyes. "You want me to stay with Nella?"

Beverly nodded, "I want you to be happy."

Jean-Luc frowned, "Why? If it makes you unhappy…?"

"I'm happy if you are happy," Beverly answered, wiping beneath her eyes with the tips of her fingers. "Just don't forget me," she smiled wryly at him.

"Okay," he said slowly.

"It wouldn't kill you to come for breakfast once in a while right?" she continued.

"No, I am sure I could manage that," he said automatically. He was a little stunned watching Beverly's Oscar winning performance as she pulled herself back together and acted casually.

"Anyway, Deanna is waiting for me," Beverly said, pulling back she turned at asked the lift to resume.

If Beverly thought Jean-Luc was satisfied with her performance, she was mistaken. He let Beverly head off down the corridor. She had lied to him. She had stood there, right in front of him and lied. Now though, apart from discovering his chief medical officer was an accomplished liar, he was almost sure that she loved him. Beverly's slip of the tongue as soon as he had asked her whether or not he should leave Nella, spoke a thousand words. Anything she had said to him before and after that disappeared from his mind as if never spoken.

Jean-Luc jumped upon hearing a cough and looked up to find Nella standing there outside the lift watching him. He met her eyes and smiled before noticing that Nella wasn't happy.

"I went to music club, made my excuses, caught another lift and walked the length of the corridor to get here. You might want to get engineering to check that lift if it takes that long to travel two decks," she said in a stiff voice.

"Oh," Jean-Luc said, knowing Nella was being sarcastic.

Nella glanced down the corridor when she heard approaching voices and despite her anger, she didn't want a public display. "Get home now before I start a scene," she said in a dangerously low voice.

Jean-Luc's eyes widened at her tone of voice and he watched with trepidation as Nella did an about turn and marched off in the direction of his quarters. Jean-Luc reluctantly followed, he hated confrontation with the women he was involved with. He knew that this was the time for truths and he knew he was about to break a wonderful woman's heart.

When he arrived in his quarters, he expected Nella to explode at him, hurling abuse. Nella was no wallflower and she said it like she meant it. Nothing was hidden with Nella; she wore her heart on her sleeve and most of the time Jean-Luc knew exactly how she was going to react in any given situation. The silence in the room was pungent with tension. This was not what he had been expecting during his walk from the lift home. Nella stood at the viewport, looking out into space with her arms folded about herself.

"Nothing happened," Jean-Luc said hesitantly. "She won't talk to me, so I halted the lift and made her… She is my best friend Nella."

Nella shifted her weight from one foot to the other, but she didn't respond.

"We talked…" Jean-Luc said, feeling the need to fill in the silence.

"Are you having an affair with her?" Nella asked slowly. She turned and looked back at him, making sure she saw the reaction on his face.

"No!" he exclaimed. "My god Nella, I was in the lift with her for less than ten minutes!"

Nella shrugged, "And?" she said sarcastically. "That's more than enough time for you."

"We are not having an affair!" Jean-Luc ignored her subtle dig at his manhood.

"Well what the hell is going on?" Nella yelled angrily.

"Nothing is going on Nella," he said in a calm voice.

Nella immediately shook her head in disgust. "Don't lie to me. You have hardly touched me since that bitch left here six month ago."

"Don't you dare call her that!" Jean-Luc immediately snapped. "Beverly has nothing to do with this."

"You're lying Jean-Luc," Nella answered. "I know something is going on and I want to know the truth! Surely I deserve to know the truth," her voice broke as she said her last words and she turned back to the viewport, pressing her forehead against the cool glass as she quietly sobbed.

Jean-Luc moved over to her, putting a hand on her back.

"Don't touch me!" Nella snapped, violently shrugging his hand away.

Jean-Luc dropped his hands to his sides, "I didn't mean to hurt you," he said softly.

"Yeah well you have," she answered sourly. "I can't take this anymore," she sobbed. "Are you even interested in us anymore? Do you even love me?"

"Of course I love you," he answered instantly.

"Are you interested in us? Do we actually have a future together?" she asked, gazing into his soft grey eyes. The truth would hurt, she knew that. However, Nella knew that she had been burying her head in the sand for long enough and that she couldn't go on with the charade any longer. For her own sanity she needed to move on with her life no matter how painful that was going to be.

Jean-Luc stared back, the silence dragging on for an eternity. "I'm not sure," he said eventually. He watched Nella close her eyes and saw the tears fall as she took deep calming breaths.

"Tell me the truth," she said, her eyes still closed. "You don't love me anymore."

"I do Nella," he said softly and truthfully.

"So what's the problem then?" she asked, looking him right in the eye. "Tell me the god damn truth Jean-Luc! What is it with Beverly? If you aren't having an affair what is going on?" Nella continued firing questions at him, one after the other and not allowing him to answer.

"I love her too!" he finally snapped.

Nella's mouth fell open, "You… what?"

"I love her too," he repeated. "I've been in love with Beverly the whole time I have known her."

Nella stared back at him, mouth open and her whole body was swaying almost imperceptibly from side to side as she tried to absorb what he was telling her.

"She married my best friend," Jean-Luc continued, ashamed at the pure and utter relief he was feeling now he was getting it all off his chest, despite the fact that this was his deepest, darkest and most painful secret. "Her husband died and I vowed never to tell her how I felt."

"How can you love two women at the same time?" Nella asked, still in shock from his confession.

Jean-Luc shook his head and shrugged, he rubbed a hand over his smooth crown and sat down on the couch, "I have been struggling with that question for the past few months myself," he answered.

Nella blinked in surprise, "You've been struggling with it!" she exclaimed, absolutely incredulous. "How dare you lead me on all this time! And the first time too!"

"Nella," Jean-Luc said, holding up his hands in what he hoped was a calming measure. "I have been in love with Beverly for so long that it's become the norm for me to get on with my life and not to even think about it. It's become a way of life."

"So she doesn't know?" Nella asked slowly. "She has no idea how you feel?"

"She knows," Jean-Luc answered, knowing Nella deserved the whole truth. "Remember I told you about when I was telepathically linked to her?"

"Yes…"

"She read my mind," he said slowly. "She found out ten years ago how I feel about her. Nothing ever happened between us. It was a little awkward at first, but we remained friends as usual."

"And how does she feel?" Nella asked suspiciously.

Jean-Luc turned and looked at Nella, "I don't know," he answered.

"What do you mean you don't know?" she demanded. "You've had ten years to find out!"

"Beverly isn't very… forthcoming with her thoughts and feelings," he answered. "Obviously she doesn't feel the same otherwise we would have been together for the past ten years wouldn't we?"

Nella was looking at him with narrowed eyes, "So what made her up and leave here six months ago? Jealousy?"

"Yes," he answered simply.

"I thought you didn't know how she felt," Nella accused.

"I know she was jealous," Jean-Luc said, holding up his hands. "She finally told me so in the lift a few minutes ago. Beverly and I spent all our spare time together and when you came back into my life, I hardly saw her at all." Jean-Luc studied Nella's expression; she had turned her attention to her knees and was perched on the edge of the couch to the right of him.

"I was in the wrong," Jean-Luc said, to fill in the silence. "I should never have ignored her."

"She's a fully grown woman Jean-Luc," Nella spat suddenly. "She can take care of herself. If she needed you that badly she wouldn't have gone to the Titan and be leaving the Enterprise again for HQ would she? She wouldn't have had a fling with Michael Garretson either."

Nella was kicking Jean-Luc right where it hurt and she knew it. "I realise this isn't what you wanted to hear…"

"How clever of you," she replied sarcastically. "I don't really care how she feels either. I don't want to know how bad you feel about ignoring her. You don't seem to give a damn about the fact you've been ignoring me for the past six months!"

"I haven't ignored you," he protested immediately. "I've been right here."

"In body you have," Nella answered quickly. "But you certainly haven't been here in mind. I sit there chatting away to you and you're not paying me the slightest bit of attention!"

"I am."

"No you are not! You seem to have mastered the art of selective hearing and making the right noises at the right time."

"Why didn't you say something earlier?" Jean-Luc asked, reaching for her hand.

Nella pulled her hand back out of his reach. "I did! I asked you about Beverly before and you said nothing was going on!"

"Well nothing is going on," Jean-Luc answered.

"No of course not… You're only in love with her!" she got to her feet suddenly, stood for a moment. "We are going to have to get some counselling," she said softly.

Jean-Luc blinked in surprise, "Counselling?" he questioned.

"Now don't get all defensive on me," Nella said instantly, holding out her hands to try and calm him down. "I've only had one counselling session in my life and that was two days ago, but I think it helped me some. We need help to get over this…"

Jean-Luc wanted the ground to swallow him whole. Nella didn't understand. She thought his love for Beverly was a problem that could be solved with counselling and that she and Jean-Luc could continue on with their relationship.

"It will be better when she's left our ship," Nella continued when Jean-Luc didn't say anything. "You'll be able to put it all behind you and to move on with your life. We'll be able to do all those things we planned on doing."

Jean-Luc replayed their conversation in his head. He realised only now that he hadn't given any definite sign to Nella that this was the end. She had grasped onto that and decided that counselling was the answer. As Jean-Luc watched Nella and overwhelming sadness consumed him, Nella loved him so much and although he loved her in return; she would never be Beverly. He wished so much that he could love her like she loved him.

"I so sorry," he began softly.

Nella frowned, "We have to go!" she said, not letting him continue.

"No Nella please listen," he said slowly. "I can't do this anymore," he said gently, trying to take her hands, but Nella began backing away from him slowly with a pained expression on her face. She wasn't stupid and knew what was coming. She started shaking her head from side to side, screaming silently for him not to say what she knew was coming next. "I'm so so sorry," he said, his eyes filling with genuine tears. "I never meant any of this to happen…"

Nella was still slowly backing away from him. "You're ending it?" she asked in a small voice.

Jean-Luc nodded, "I'm sorry…" He watched her standing in front of him, her mouth open slightly, her eyes were glassy with unshed tears and she swayed slightly from side to side in a stupor. "I wish I felt differently…" he got to his feet and tried to near her. It seemed that was all that was needed to break Nella out of her daze, she ran into the bathroom and soon he heard retching sounds as Nella emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet.

"Are you okay?" he called into the bathroom after the noise had died down.

"Fuck off!"

Jean-Luc turned and left his quarters, unable to watch the devastation he had caused such a wonderful woman. He headed straight to his ready room, holding his head high and putting on the façade that everything was right with the world until he was safely behind his office door. Once inside, he locked the door and sank down on the couch. He had never felt so horribly mortified in his life.

He lay back trying to rid himself of his demons, knowing that Nella would realise, given time, that he had in fact done the right thing by ending it. Each time he closed his eyes, all he could see was the expression of hurt in Nella's lovely blue eyes. He should have ended his relationship the moment he realised that Beverly was upset. He should never have carried on the charade with Nella in the first place. He hadn't really needed the six months to decide which woman mattered more to him and the decision to hold on to Nella was deplorable. He would never forgive himself for hurting her.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

Deanna once again glanced over at the clock wondering where Beverly had got to. "Computer locate Dr Crusher," she called.

"Dr Crusher is in her quarters," the computer said, stating the same as she had done five minutes before.

"Riker to Crusher," Deanna said, getting to her feet. Something was niggling her, telling her something was wrong. She could sense Beverly was upset.

"Crusher here," she heard finally.

"Where are you?"

"I'm coming," Beverly answered.

Deanna frowned. She waited for Beverly to appear finally, carrying two bottles of Guinan's whiskey. "What happened?" Deanna asked before Beverly had even taken two steps towards the table where she was sitting waiting for her.

"Nothing, I'm fine," Beverly answered quickly, taking her seat at the table. "What are we playing?"

Deanna didn't answer; she waited for Beverly to look up.

Beverly rolled her eyes, "For once in my life I'd like to be able to say to you 'I am fine' and for you to believe me or at least leave it alone! Is that too much to ask Deanna?"

Deanna's mouth fell open.

"I get totally fed up when I go to parties or functions and people ask me what I do. I tell them I am a doctor and for the rest of the night I'm diagnosing every little rash or spot they've noticed on their bodies! Don't you ever get fed up being a counsellor?"

Deanna looked down at the surface of the table. "No," she answered.

"That's rubbish!" Beverly laughed. "Why don't you be honest for once?"

"Ok yes I get fed up sometimes," Deanna reluctantly admitted.

"So give it a rest," Beverly said, grinning from ear to ear she shrugged. "Let's just enjoy this… game. What is this game?"

"What happened between you leaving here and coming back with the whiskey?" Deanna asked, her patience running out.

"Oh my god! You just don't quit!"

"What happened Beverly?" Deanna demanded.

"If you must know I got into a lift out there and ended up alone with Nella and Jean-Luc!" Beverly snapped. "It was a thrilling ride up to deck eight!"

"Oh…" Deanna said slowly.

"Yeah so now can we forget it?" Beverly asked, pulling the lid from the first bottle of whiskey. She poured herself a generous slug into the bottom of the glass.

"What happened?" Deanna asked.

Beverly paused mid-motion, taking a deep calming breath before she looked over the table at her meddling friend. "I won't tell you again Deanna… Leave it alone!"

Deanna realised she might just have to go with Will's assessment of the situation. She had to get up the courage… or maybe the rage, to tell Beverly a few home truths. She remembered Will's advice about the phaser and wondered where she could get her hands on one… However Deanna didn't think it was quite the right time to start yelling back at the redhead. Beverly was already being short-tempered tonight and Deanna didn't want to push her anymore.

Deanna decided she would have one more try. "Beverly what is it that's stopping you from being with Jean-Luc?" she asked softly.

Beverly glared back at Deanna, "Nella," she said in a tight voice. It was obvious from the look in the doctors eyes that she was daring Deanna to push her that little bit further.

Inwardly Deanna decided to quit while she was still breathing.

"This is monopoly!" Deanna said with a bright smile. "I can't believe you've never seen it before, after all it is a human game. It's centuries old now…"

Deanna was getting ready for work the next morning, nursing what she at first thought was a slight hangover. It wasn't until she was halfway through her morning cereal that she realised what she was feeling was emotional and not medical. She put down her spoon and mentally zoomed in on the problem.

Ten seconds later Deanna was racing down the corridor following her sixth sense. She took the nearest lift and travelled up to deck eight where the senior officers had their quarters. As soon as the lift doors parted, Deanna swung to the left and she walked as fast as her little legs could carry her down the corridor until she found who she was looking for.

Nella Daren was ahead of her walking slowly in the opposite direction. Her hair was a mess and she looked as though she was still wearing her uniform from the previous day.

"Nella?" Deanna said softly, touching her arm lightly.

Nella jumped, her eyes shooting to Deanna as if the last thing she expected to see in the universe was another humanoid.

"Are you okay?" The counsellor asked softly.

"What?" Nella said in confusion.

"Are you okay?" Deanna repeated.

"Mmm hmm," Nella nodded.

Deanna studied Nella's face and noted the dark circles beneath her eyes. It was obvious that she hadn't gone to bed the night before.

"I'm going to work," Nella muttered.

"Not like that you aren't," Deanna said in a no nonsense tone. "Come on," she linked her arms with Nella's and headed off. "Let me take you home."

Deanna guided Nella along the corridor to the last door on the right before the lift. She pulled Nella inside and sat her down on the couch.

"What happened?" Deanna asked. She was beginning to get sick and tired of saying that same phrase over and over again recently. She hoped Nella wasn't a complete clone of Beverly and would actually answer the question.

"He left me," she answered in a tiny voice.

"Oh?" Deanna mumbled in an equally small voice. 'Oh god…' the counsellor thought to herself. It seemed Jean-Luc had finally made his difficult decision and Deanna was now in the thick of it, bouncing around the love triangle.

Deanna watched as Nella sat in front of her struggling to make sense of all that had happened the night before. Lack of sleep certainly wasn't helping matters. Nella was obviously still in shock. Deanna knew Nella had seen this coming, but it had clearly still been a big shock. Deanna had to wonder how Jean-Luc had broken the bad news to her. Had he lied and said the usual 'it's not you, it's me,' cliché or had he actually had the guts to tell Nella the truth?

"I know it doesn't seem like it now Nella," Deanna said softly, placing her hands on Nella's knees. "But you'll see in time that this break up was the right thing to do."

Nella's eyes lifted and met Deanna's inky gaze, "He loves Beverly," she said shaking her head in disbelief. "He's a complete and utter arsehole and I can't believe I fell for his bullshit!"

Deanna's eyes widened.

"He said he'd been in love with her for years. He had no intention of ever staying with me! He used me! I was just a fling! A flash in the pan! I was giving him something Beverly didn't! Sex!"

"I don't think he intentionally set out to hurt you…"

"He's in love with her!"

"I know but…"

"Please do not make excuses for him! He has known how he feels for her for years! He had no right to date anyone else. It's not like he was in denial! He knew how he felt and had accepted that fact ten years ago at least, probably more! Yet he still pursued me! He still made me fall in love with him all over again…" Nella was furious, tears falling from her eyes and she didn't know what to do with herself. She sat down and immediately stood again.

"I'm sure he never meant to hurt you…" Deanna said softly.

"We all know whose side you're on!" Nella dumped her frame down hard on the couch.

"I am on nobody's side…"

"That's a load of shit!" Nella rolled her eyes and got to her feet.

"I am finding I'm piggy in the middle of this… triangle."

"Well that isn't my fault Counsellor. You just happen to be the bitch's best friend."

Deanna winced, "Please don't call Beverly that. Technically, she hasn't done anything wrong; she even transferred her commission to another ship to leave you two alone. And as for who is on who's side, we've been through all this. I am the ships counsellor above all else…"

Nella waved her hand dismissively, not wanting to hear the counsellor repeat herself.

"I do not believe I should be on the receiving end of your anger Nella," Deanna said getting to her feet. "I am not responsible for any of this; I wasn't even on the ship when you arrived here! So when you've sufficiently calmed down, feel free to come and talk to me."

Deanna left the room holding her head high and feeling Nella's eyes burning into her back. She knew Nella had every right to be angry, but she did not want to shouted at for being someone else's friend. Deanna wondered how Beverly was going to react to this news.

The counsellor supposed that there was no time like the presence and she didn't want Beverly to find out on the ships grapevine. She asked the computer for Beverly's location and slowly made her way to Beverly's quarters.

Beverly stared at Deanna in silence for what seemed like a lifetime. She wasn't sure if she had heard the counsellor properly or not. "You _think_ they've split up? You _just_ _think_ they've split up?" she snapped suddenly making the counsellor jump. "What do you mean you think? Have they or haven't they?" Beverly was desperate to know all the answers. Her heart began to race in her chest at the thought that Jean-Luc was finally free again.

Deanna held up her hands in defeat, "As of at least ten minutes ago they had. And I'm sure of that too. I got it right from the horse's mouth."

Beverly didn't know how to take the news. She stood stock still for a moment before walking off into the bedroom restlessly. This was what she wanted, but at the same time, it scared her. She wondered what was going through Jean-Luc's mind. It seemed as though Jean-Luc had made some decisions about his future after their confrontation in the lift the night before. This turn of events would now affect her own decisions about her own future. "What horse?" she asked, returning to Deanna's side in the living area.

"I bumped into a very upset Nella this morning and she told me," Deanna answered. "I came straight here to tell you in person."

"You mean you wanted some sort of control over my reaction," Beverly said suspiciously.

"Well yeah I guess. I didn't want you putting your foot right in it by mistake," Deanna admitted. "And I wanted to talk it through with you."

"What is there to talk about?" Beverly asked with a shrug, immediately on the defensive. "It's all over. Life goes on."

"Oh come off it Beverly!" Deanna said throwing her hands up in the air. "It's far from over. This is not the same as before, stop trying to kid yourself!"

"I am not trying to kid anyone," Beverly said, she was caught a little off guard by Deanna's strong reaction.

"You think that's it? That it's all over and done with?" Deanna snapped. "I know what you're thinking Beverly. That you're going to cancel your application to go back to Starfleet Medical? And that you're going to stay here and make everything normal again?"

Beverly ground her teeth together, holding her temper because deep down she knew Deanna was right on the mark and she didn't want to admit it.

"What exactly happened last night?" Deanna demanded with her hands firmly wedged on her hips.

Beverly frowned, her friend had thrown her. "I don't… What are you talking about? I was with you all last night."

"Beverly! I'm empathic! I know something happened when you went to get that whiskey. You were gone for ages! What happened?"

"I don't…"

"No!" Deanna snapped, finally losing it. "I don't want to hear all excuses! I don't want you trying to scare me into shutting up! It won't work! Just tell me the truth! You told me you met the captain and Nella in the lift. The next thing I know, they aren't a couple anymore. Now tell me what happened!"

Beverly was stunned, "I…"

"The truth!" Deanna reminded.

"If you must know, Nella got out and left Jean-Luc and I alone in the lift together and… he asked me how I felt about him."

Deanna shifted her weight from one foot to the other, "And?" she said slowly.

"Why doesn't surprise that you?"

"I was expecting him to do something like that," Deanna answered.

"Well it would have been nice if you had warned me…"

"I didn't know what he would do or when he would do it… Anyway what _did_ you say to him?"

"I never answered him… Actually, I told him to stay with Nella. I had nothing to do with them breaking up last night. I didn't want them together but, well I feel bad for him. Deanna, I really didn't tell him to leave her, so it's not my fault," Beverly was adamant that she had nothing to do with anything. "Afterwards I went straight to get the bottle for us and well, you know what happened afterwards. I was with you. I honestly didn't have anything to do with them breaking up. I wouldn't do that."

Deanna heaved a sigh, "I'm not blaming you for them breaking up last night. However, don't stand there acting like the innocent party. However unintentionally it was, you did make it clear to the captain that you weren't happy with the current situation by leaving here for the Titan," Deanna did her best to ignore the fury in the doctor's eyes. "I just want to know your intentions."

"My intentions?" Beverly frowned, the counsellor wasn't acting like her usual self and it had really caught her off guard.

"Yes. Now that he knows how you feel for him…"

"I didn't tell him how I feel about him Deanna!" Beverly snapped. "I told him to stay with her! He doesn't know how I feel. Them breaking up last night is just a coincidence…" her voice trailed off when she noticed the look on the counsellor's pretty face. Apparently, Deanna couldn't believe what she was hearing and she found it amusing. "What is so funny?"

"He knows you well," Deanna said slowly, grinning at Beverly's naivety. "Just because you didn't say '_I love you Jean-Luc and I want you to leave Nella_' doesn't mean for one second that he didn't hear that when he asked you those questions last night. He might not be able to read you most of the time, but if he had just outright asked you if you loved him, I'm damn sure you're guard was down. Even the densest of people would have seen your true feelings. Actions speak louder than words; Jean-Luc now knows you love him."

Beverly swallowed, knowing Deanna spoke the truth.

"There you were in the lift saying, 'Stay with Nella', and all the captain can see is your whole being begging him to leave her."

"It wasn't like that," Beverly protested in a small defeated voice. She heaved a sigh and looked down at her lap. Her mind was racing and she didn't like the things Deanna was saying at all. She preferred to use denial when it came to Jean-Luc and their relationship.

"It can't be the same anymore Beverly," Deanna said softening her voice. She took her friend and led her over to the couch where they sat down beside each other. "Things are different this time around. You can't just sweep it under the carpet and carry on like you used to. I'm afraid it's time to face the music and dance."

Deanna watched and felt the emotions playing out through her friend. Beverly was slowly realising that Deanna was right and at that same moment, she felt fear rippling through her best friends psyche. Beverly was so fearful that as the emotion seeped over the counsellor, Deanna had to fight a sudden urge to panic.

"Now whatever it is that is scaring you," Deanna said softly after taking a deep calming breath. She was hoping to take advantage of the doctor's momentary weakness. "Whatever it is that's stopping you from taking that next step, you can tell me and I won't judge you. You can tell me anything you want…" Deanna's voice trailed off, she sensed the fear dissipate and anger mounting suddenly inside her friend and soon Beverly's eyes were fixed on her with an angry scowl.

"I think you should go," Beverly said in a low voice.

"Go?" Deanna blinked in surprise. It had been going so well. She was sure she almost had broken down Beverly's defences.

"Yes," Beverly nodded. "Before I lose my temper. I know exactly what you're trying to do and it won't work. When will you get into your head that I won't answer that question, no matter how vulnerable you think I am?"

Deanna sat still for a moment without speaking. She had listened to Will's advice and had lost her temper with the good doctor and Beverly had behaved exactly as Will had surmised, however, as soon as Deanna had begun to speak softly again, Beverly's wrath had immediately raised.

"Go," Beverly repeated when Deanna didn't move.

"Well you know what Beverly," Deanna said in a low menacing voice. She got to her feet and made sure she had Beverly's full attention. "I never want to hear another word about Jean-Luc and your relationship. I don't care if you're drowning in depression! I have been there for you all these years and you have constantly thrown it back in my face when I actually try to get down to the root of the problem! So from now on you're on your own! I don't want to hear it!"

"Deanna…" Beverly's eyes widened at her best friends reaction. "I'm sorry…"

Deanna held up her hand and was inwardly surprised at Beverly's reaction and even more so at the redheads instant apology. "I was there for you when you were at rock bottom! I have listened to all your woes and you can't even tell me why you're so scared! You are so stubborn and pig headed! I know I'm telling you something you don't want to hear and you don't like it the slightest little bit, but I'm trying to help you, not hurt you! You want me out of here before anything I'm saying sinks in! You can't live your whole life in denial Beverly! Stop burying your head in the sand because all I can see is an arse! I've had it up to here! I quit!"

Beverly sat still on the couch with her mouth literally hanging open in astonishment. She almost, but not quite, allowed herself to think about what Deanna was saying about having to face the music and dance, but the mere thought of it scared her beyond belief and she banished it from her mind.

The thing that bothered Beverly the most was the fact that she seemed to have really upset her friend. She looked over to the doors that Deanna had just stormed out of and wondered whether to go after her. Beverly was unaccustomed to being the one on the receiving end of the wrath of anyone; she was usually the one slamming all the doors.

"Come on, come on, answer me," Deanna mumbled, pacing backwards and forwards behind the desk chair as she stared at Starfleet's emblem on the screen of her monitor.

"Yes my lady," Will said with a huge grin as his face appeared on the screen. Instantly his grin faded and he turned serious. "What's wrong?" he asked in concern.

"I just lost my temper," Deanna answered, obviously still on edge after her heated altercation. "I told Beverly I quit being her counsellor…"

Will swallowed a pretend lump in his throat, "And you're still alive?" he said wide eyed, a hint of amusement tickling his eyes.

"It's not funny," Deanna snapped, throwing herself down in the chair.

"What happened?"

Deanna explained quickly how she had discovered that Jean-Luc had ended his relationship with Nella.

"And let me guess," Will said slowly. "You tried asking her about her reason why she isn't sharing the captain's bed?"

Deanna nodded, "I did try and it was going so well too!"

"So what happened?"

"I think she realised what I was doing? I think I made her begin to realise certain truths that she didn't want to face up to and then told her that she could tell me anything…" Deanna stopped talking when she noticed her husband shaking his head in disapproval. "What?" she asked.

"You started being nice," Will said confidently. "You should have carried on shouting at her."

Deanna frowned and then groaned, realising that Will was right. "I should have been yelling…"

"Exactly," he nodded. "Tell me what it is! Go on Beverly! Tell me what it is that's so scary! Come on! Etcetera."

"Damn…" Deanna grumbled shaking her head.

"Beverly is a very clever woman," Will said. "She's going to be sitting there analysing what just happened and she's going to work out what you were trying to do. Next time she will be prepared for aggressive Deanna Riker."

"I was so close," Deanna thumped a hand down hard on the desk.

"It's a shame it didn't work," he said softly. "I bet it felt good though," he winked.

Deanna laughed and nodded, "Oh yes! And now I'm not her counsellor anymore," Deanna looked up thoughtfully. "You know Will; I think I am going to stick to that too. I truly am sick and tired of hearing about it. There is no helping someone who doesn't want to be helped. I am supposed to help people with their problems, not sit there and listen to someone moaning and give out free sympathy! And if I dare say something she doesn't like she turns into her evil twin…"

"Are you sure she's not schizophrenic?" Will chuckled.

Deanna grinned, "No she can just be a bad tempered bitch sometimes," Deanna chuckled unprofessionally. "There is nothing wrong with her on a psychological level; she's just like a lot of other people when it comes to something too hard to deal with. She's also trained in the art of professional detachment and I'm sure she is using that skill as a way of dealing with the captain. She's probably done it for years. It's like someone psyching themselves up for an upcoming interview. She prepares herself before coming into contact with him. She is fully aware of what she's doing. It's why she's always as cool as a cucumber around him and why he's been so confused over all these years."

"She must know she's driving you insane too."

"Well after tonight's little chat I'm sure she's worked that out," Deanna grinned. "You never know, once she's realised she has no one to moan to, she might come to me begging for help."

"Maybe…" Will said doubtfully.

"No… Who am I kidding?" Deanna said rolling her eyes. "This is probably her dream come true! She always complains if I try and get her to talk about him."

"I was just thinking the same thing myself," Will said and couldn't help but grin. "She's probably feeling very pleased with herself."

Beverly was still sitting on the couch after Deanna had stormed out and was chewing on her lower lip almost grateful at Deanna for giving her something else other than Jean-Luc Picard to worry about. Deanna's resignation as her counsellor wasn't bothering Beverly in the slightest little bit. The majority of the time Beverly had never wanted to speak to Deanna about Jean-Luc in the first place! It never seemed to matter that it was the very last thing that Beverly wanted to talk about. Deanna always wormed her way into Beverly's mind and dragged it out. Despite all this, Beverly still felt guilty.

As she sat there, she listened to her nana's voice calling to her from beyond the grave '_Never sleep on an argument Beverly_.' Okay, that advice had been meant for her and Jack, but as depressing as it was, Deanna was the closest thing Beverly had to a husband at the moment.

That thought caused Beverly to laugh aloud. She wondered what Deanna would make of that behaviourism. Then she remembered that Deanna was no longer her counsellor. A grin spread over the doctor's face. "I'm free!" she said to the empty room.

Nobody answered.

Beverly heaved a sigh and got to her feet and headed out the door.

"I think a certain doctor is thinking about an apology…" Deanna grinned.

"Did you speak to Beverly about our problem before you fell out with her?" Will asked seriously.

Deanna stared at her husband for a moment, "No I didn't have a chance," she answered awkwardly. "I've been concentrating on her and the captain."

"Well we should have taken the opportunity while she was serving here on the Titan…"

Deanna groaned and rolled her eyes, "We were told to give it a whole year."

"A year was up last month," Will countered. "There is no point worrying about it…"

"I'm not worrying! You're obviously the one with it playing on your mind!" Deanna snapped. Just then, the door chime sounded in Deanna's quarters. "Someone's at the door," she said quickly. "I'll call you tomorrow. Love you."

"How convenient…" Will called sarcastically, cutting the link.

Deanna watched the screen turn black and gave a sad sigh before heading to the door. She took a deep calming breath, switched on '_counsellor mode_' and opened the door to find Beverly standing on the other side looking sheepish.

"Hello," Beverly said, wincing a little as she waited for Deanna's reaction.

"Hello."

"Are you talking to me? Can I apologise?"

Deanna stepped back to allow Beverly inside. "I never say no when offered an apology, but just who are you and what have you done with the real Beverly?"

"I'm sorry okay," Beverly said softly. "I know I can be a pain in the arse sometimes… It's just that I want to talk about difficult things when I want to. I want to be able to come to you."

"But you _don't_ come to me," Deanna said. "You think you can tough things out on your own, but you can't. I wasn't even serving on this ship six months ago and I worked out something was wrong and again, I came to you. I spent over twenty hours in a shuttle to come to you. You wouldn't even answer my calls and you certainly didn't go to the Enterprise's serving counsellor."

"You make it sound like I'm always in desperate need of counselling…" the doctor grumbled, not wanting to admit that Deanna was right. "And if I remember correctly, it was Geordi calling that made you come here. Stop acting like some kind of superhero always riding to my rescue as if I'm some kind of quivering desperate pathetic woman. I'm probably a lot tougher than you are and you very well know it."

"You're right there," Deanna nodded. "You are a lot tougher than I am and you're not always in need of my services. However, we are talking about _one_ problem here. Not lots of different little problems. It's always been the same on-going thing, or should I say man? Jean-Luc Picard."

Beverly looked down at her feet and took a deep breath. "Just let me deal with it okay?" she said softly. "I don't like the pressure you're putting on me to deal with it. I prefer to do things at my own pace and to have someone constantly telling me to deal with it just makes me delay it even more. So just leave me to it please Deanna."

"I'm going to say this once," Deanna said slowly. "If I leave it to you, you won't do anything. You pretend nothing is wrong."

"But this is my life Deanna! It's not yours. I should be able to make my own decisions without you second guessing me all the time and trying to make me live my life the way you think I should."

"You love him!" Deanna snapped. "He loves you and it doesn't take an engineer to work out where you're going wrong."

Beverly narrowed her eyes, "You're beginning annoy me again…"

"Well that was predictable wasn't it?" Deanna answered sarcastically.

"You know what," Beverly said, her foot tapping in agitation. "You're fired as my counsellor."

Deanna's eyes widened and then she laughed, "You can't fire me! I already quit! Besides, do you honestly think I would traverse the galaxy for anyone else on this ship? I did it for you because you are my best friend Beverly and I care about you. We went past the patient slash counsellor relationship many years ago."

"I do appreciate… well to be honest maybe I should put it another way and say that I admire your dedication to my mental wellbeing," Beverly raised an eyebrow mischievously. "I do however think your dedication is a little misguided and a little over the top… But my nana told me never to sleep on an argument," Beverly said, holding out her hand for Deanna to shake. "Let's make a pact. From now on, we don't speak of Jean-Luc Picard."

"You'd love that…"

"Deanna!" Beverly snapped. "I'm being serious. I don't want to discuss him, period. Recently all we do is argue anyway. So I propose a pact that we don't talk about him anymore."

"Never?" Deanna said sceptically.

"Never," Beverly said with a nod of certainty. "Unless of course, you find me with a hypo of drugs and a mind full of suicidal thoughts. Then, and only then, just maybe, we can talk."

Deanna smiled ruefully, "Okay," she said reluctantly. "Please bear in mind that we have been speaking about Jean-Luc Picard for well over a decade and old habits die hard."

Beverly nodded, "Agreed."

"So I may inadvertently say something without meaning to," Deanna said slowly.

"Yes. The same applies to me."

"I doubt that. You never wanted to speak about him," Deanna said, raising both her eyebrows and grinning mischievously in a perfect imitation of her friend.

"Shake on it," Beverly said, ignoring the not so subtle dig.

Although it was against her nature, Deanna reluctantly shook hands with the doctor and made the pact.

Beverly poked her nose in the air playfully, feeling pleased with herself.

Deanna snorted with disgust. "You're going to live to regret this," she said shaking her head.

"I doubt it," Beverly answered. "I'm free!"

Deanna rolled her eyes, "Go now before we both say something we live to regret."

Beverly chuckled. "See, melodramatic or what? You should sign up for the theatre company on the Titan."

Deanna narrowed her eyes, "You're the one making a mountain out of a molehill…"

Beverly had been halfway out of the door when she paused as Deanna's words sunk in. She didn't say anything; just shot Deanna a glare before continuing on her way.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

Beverly was finding the change in her relationship with Deanna a little strange. It had been a week since the handshake and she found she could now sigh in front of the counsellor and Deanna wouldn't immediately ask her if she was alright. Beverly was so used to being interrogated by Deanna about everything, that it felt odd to be around the counsellor.

Beverly watched Deanna, who was sitting opposite at a table in the quiet booth in the corner of the mess hall, as she methodically ate her chocolate sundae. Deanna was obviously bothered by something; it had taken a little while for Beverly to notice because of the change in their circumstances.

"Are you okay?" Beverly asked softly, her eyes on Deanna's silver spoon as it swirled delicately around the soft peaks of ice cream. The counsellor was right; there was something soothing about ice cream and it appeared to work even if you weren't the one eating it.

Deanna smiled, ignoring Beverly's question. "Do you want me to get you some ice cream Beverly?"

Beverly blinked and lifted her eyes to meet the counsellors. "No thank you," she answered politely. "I couldn't eat another bite."

Deanna chuckled, "You must have hollow legs. I don't know where you put it. At least I now know that you do have a limit. I have never seen a woman eat two main meals!"

"I'm a growing girl," Beverly said with a shrug.

Deanna grinned and began meticulously swirling her spoon around her sundae again.

"Aren't you sick to death of those things?" Beverly asked.

"I could never tire of anything chocolate," Deanna said aghast.

"Yeah but to eat the same thing day after day, over and over again…"

"Some people find comfort in routine," Deanna answered with a shrug.

"And what is it that has upset you today?"

"I'm not upset," the counsellor said, keeping her eyes firmly on her desert.

"Maybe upset is too strong a word…"

"I'm fine," Deanna said a little too forcefully. She immediately smiled nonchalantly, "I'm just missing Will," she added softly without meeting Beverly's eyes.

Beverly studied Deanna but didn't say anything more. It seemed as though their situations had now been reversed. Now it was Deanna who was upset about something and obviously didn't want to share her burden. Unlike Deanna, unless it came down to symptoms of a medical condition, Beverly was content to wait and allow Deanna to come to her for help. Beverly watched the counsellor glance at her furtively beneath her lashes, no doubt wondering whether she would be called on her obvious lie.

"This is killing me…" Deanna said softly.

"Huh?" Beverly frowned.

"Not being able to talk about Captain Taboo," Deanna said rolling her eyes. "I've got no idea what's happened since he broke up with Nella last week."

Beverly pulled an invisible zip across her lips.

"I even tried talking to Nella," Deanna continued.

"What did she say?" Beverly asked instantly riveted.

Deanna smiled and shook her head, wagging her finger disapprovingly at the doctor. "You'll have to ask her yourself."

"Are you kidding?" Beverly exclaimed. "If looks could kill we would all have been totally massacred in the briefing this morning. Thank goodness, it only lasted ten minutes! Nella is not a woman to be messed with…"

"Not unlike you," Deanna muttered, spooning the last spoonful of ice cream into her mouth and standing up as she did so. "Damn I've got an appointment in two minutes…" she said wiping her lips hurriedly with a napkin. "I'll call you later maybe."

Beverly leaned out of the booth and waved half-heartedly after her friend. She herself was in no hurry because she had given herself the afternoon off. She was just wondering how to spend her free time when she noticed Jean-Luc was standing at the bar. This was the first time she had seen him out of work since their…exchange in the lift the previous week.

She immediately pushed herself back against her chair, so fast it was almost as if she had been electrocuted, hoping the booth would somehow swallow her whole. Her heart hammered in her chest and she sat there almost paralysed with fear. She knew she was being ridiculous; Jean-Luc was hardly going to do or say anything personal in such a public place, but Deanna's words had been echoing in her head constantly since she had uttered them. '_Actions speak louder than words; Jean-Luc now knows you love him._'

Beverly had been trying her hardest to push everything to the back of her mind. It was the only way she knew how to deal with her feelings. She wasn't ready to be around Jean-Luc yet, but she knew with time she would. This time it was guilt that she was having trouble coping with. She knew she had ruined Jean-Luc's relationship with Nella and that Jean-Luc would now be hoping for a future together with her. Something she knew she couldn't give him.

She knew she couldn't sit in the booth forever. Stealing herself, she slowly leaned forward to catch a glimpse of the bar, prepared to drop back into her hiding place. He wasn't there. She froze, eyes darting about the room looking for him. Quickly she backed into her chair and cursed. Now she didn't know where he was. For all she knew, Jean-Luc could be sitting in the booth directly behind her own.

"Computer," she whispered as rational thought returned to her. "Locate Captain Picard."

"Captain Picard is in turbolift four on deck ten," the computer replied.

Beverly heaved a huge sigh of relief and was finally able to relax. She got to her feet and all but ran to the safety of her quarters.

As she collapsed on her couch, Deanna called her. "You can't run forever," the counsellor said knowingly.

"We're not supposed to…"

"Riker out," Deanna said, cutting the link.

"… Talk about him," Beverly finished with a frustrated groan.

Beverly stared at the message on her screen congratulating her on her new position as Head of Starfleet Medical until her eyes blurred and the words melted into a fuzzy white line. With a heavy sigh, she looked away and focused her eyes on the chronometer. It was almost two in the morning and Beverly couldn't sleep and was waiting for the sedative she had just taken, to work. She had received the message about her promotion, days before and still kept finding herself reading it over again. She knew she should be happy and excited about the promotion, but she wasn't. Every time she read the message, she just felt numb. Her mind would not stop whirling round and round. She just didn't know what to do. She had spent the best part of a month trying to decide whether to stay where she was now that Jean-Luc was single again, or leave.

She could stay here on the Enterprise and try harder to smooth things over and get some semblance of normality back with Jean-Luc. She had done it many times before. Only this time she didn't think it was going to be anywhere near as easy. Alternatively, she could leave all this hassle behind and take up her new position on Earth. It was a tempting thought, but she knew it would never be as simple as that. There was also a massive con; she wouldn't be able to be near Jean-Luc. She would have to close that chapter on her life and let him move on with whomever he so desired, as much as that pained her. It was what Jean-Luc deserved.

'_Actions speak louder than words; Jean-Luc now knows you love him._'

She couldn't fathom a way for her to smooth that over. She imagined trying to have breakfast with him for the first time in over a year and trying to ignore the elephant in the room… Even Beverly, the master of professional detachment and amateur actress couldn't ignore that particular elephant and she was damn sure Jean-Luc wouldn't be able to either. Worse still, he would probably want to give the elephant a name!

Beverly finally felt the hypo of sedative she had given herself twenty minutes previously begin to take effect and she headed to bed on wobbly legs.

"So you've decided you're definitely leaving then?" Deanna said. "You're looking for your new home," Deanna said, nodding towards the computer screen Beverly had been staring at intently when she had arrived.

"Yes," Beverly answered. "What do you think of this one?" she leaned back in her chair to afford Deanna a better view.

"It's nice," Deanna answered, not really paying any attention.

Beverly rolled her eyes, "You could at least pretend to be interested. I leave next week and I'm quite looking forward to it."

"I just think you're making a big mistake."

"The pact…"

"I'm not talking about him Beverly," Deanna answered. "I'm talking about your move to Earth."

"It's a promotion!"

"I don't care how you dress it up, it's still running away."

Beverly narrowed her eyes, glaring at the counsellor until Deanna looked away. "I am making the right decision."

"You always _think_ you're making the right decision even when you're making the wrong decision!" Deanna snapped. "There is just no helping some people."

"Okay if you're so big on helping people and being helped, then why won't you tell me what's bothering you?" Beverly challenged. "I've asked you over and over and you give me some pathetic excuse or another. I don't have to be an empath to know when I'm being fobbed off."

Deanna's demeanour changed immediately. She shifted weight from one foot to the other, "I'm not ready to talk about it yet," she answered, silently pleading with Beverly not to question her further.

Beverly had never seen Deanna looking so vulnerable. "Well when you are ready," the doctor said softly. "You know I'm here for you right?"

Deanna nodded, "I know." The counsellor headed towards the door, making her escape.

"I can't stay here…"

Deanna paused and slowly turned back to face the doctor.

"I can't handle it…" Beverly met Deanna's eyes for a moment before giving a sad sigh and looking away. "I'm terrified of walking into a lift in case I bump into him again. I sit here all day and I'm constantly staring at the door every time I hear it open in case it's him. I've only been in the same room as him when we have had briefings. Other than that I haven't seen him…"

"Before I answer, remember _you_ are the one who broke your silly pact," she answered with a wink. "Maybe you just need to get that first initial meeting over and done with," Deanna suggested. "Your fear is fear of the unknown. You don't know how he will react or what he will say."

Beverly nodded thoughtfully, "And I don't have a clue what to say either…"

"You aren't the only one quaking in their boots. He's as terrified as you are. You aren't likely to see him come through those doors because he is doing everything in his power to avoid you too. You really are perfect for each other," Deanna shook her head in bemusement.

"He's as scared as me?" Beverly really was surprised.

"Of course he is! He doesn't know what to do or say either. And if one of you doesn't make the first move, I seriously doubt you two will ever be alone together in the same room again! No matter what does or doesn't happen between you romantically, are you really willing to throw away the wonderful friendship you have shared for most of your life?"

"No," Beverly answered sadly. "It's just… he is going to want answers. Answers I can't give."

"That Watson, is the source of the… problem," the counsellor said. "And you and I both know that until you deal with whatever _it_ is, you're never going to be happy." Deanna once again felt that deep seated fear within her friend. She hated causing Beverly pain, but she needed to make the doctor see that she had to share her problem. "I can help you, if you let me in. You know where I am." With those words hanging in the air, the counsellor turned and left.

Beverly closed her eyes against the pain, listening to Deanna's footsteps as she walked away.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen**

"Six months?" an obviously amused man asked. "It's going to be a little awkward, but I might be able to arrange something. So six months?"

Jean-Luc nodded, "At least," he said sounding certain. He was sitting in his office late at night with Beverly's imminent departure looming over his head like a dark cloud. Once again, he was unable to sleep and too terrified to sort out his problem in person. The one thing he did know was how to make things happen in Starfleet. Jean-Luc had plenty of friends in high places and as one of the most respected Captain's in the fleet and the fact he didn't call in favours very often, he usually got what he wanted.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Of course Admiral," he answered with a smile.

"I've heard about Dr Crusher's legendary temper…"

"I'm still certain," Jean-Luc repeated, and couldn't help but chuckle.

"I have heard that Klingons quake in their boots when she's on one of her rampages…"

"I'm sure about this," Jean-Luc said. "I have perfectly legitimate reasons for making this request. The impact of such a move of another of my senior offices at this point in time will have a detrimental effect on the rest of the crew and the smooth running of my ship."

"Quivering Klingons…" the admiral called jovially.

"Right now I wish she _would_ shout at me. It would be the first contact we've had with each other in months."

"You've got it bad, old man," the older man on the screen chuckled heartily. "Especially if you're looking forward to being on the receiving end of a good old fashioned hiding."

"She is a remarkable woman…"

"I'm sure she is," the admiral laughed. "And very lovely to behold."

As soon as the call ended, suddenly the full meaning of what he had just done hit him and Jean-Luc started quaking in his boots.

Beverly sat nursing her first mug of steaming coffee of the day. She was wondering how she was going to pack Orange for transport because she didn't like the idea of putting her in stasis for the journey to earth, no matter how safe it was.

She shrugged at Orange and then looked round to survey her hard work. She had been up all night long packing her belongings because, once again, she had been unable to sleep. She was ready a couple of days early, but now she had more time to relax and party with her friends at her leaving party without worrying about it all. She was finally coming to terms with the move and felt as though a weight was lifting off her shoulders.

Beverly just had to leave in two days with her friendship with Jean-Luc intact. She had drafted out the beginnings of a letter to send him and was slowly going through it with her mind set to edit.

She had also been arranging her new accommodation on Earth. She had decided on a brand new house by the sea on the south coast of France and had been choosing her colour scheme with help from the holodeck, the estate agent and Deanna. The house was beautifully light and airy, with a full glass wall looking out onto the Mediterranean Sea. On top of the wondrous sea views and the almost white sand, the transport station was only a five minute walk away, so her commute to work was all of six minutes. In the end, Deanna had become really enthusiastic and had gone home hours ago intent on talking Will into buying the house next door.

The computer chirped informing her of an incoming message. With a smile, Beverly wondered if it would be Deanna to tell her that they were going to be neighbours, but it wasn't. It was from Admiral Carmichael, head of Starfleet. Worriedly, she pressed play.

"Morning Dr Crusher," the message began. "I'm sorry to hear of the delay to your transfer. I just wanted to assure you that your new position as HSM will remain open here until you can start next year. Dr Grady will stay in place as acting HSM until the Enterprise can release you from your duties. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to call me. Carmichael out."

"Next year?" Beverly said aloud.

She hit play again and sure enough, the Admiral had said 'next year'.

Another message came through while Beverly was struggling to understand the first one. Hoping that the new message would shed some light, she opened it. It was a written message from Jean-Luc Picard informing her that her transfer to Earth had had to be delayed by six months due to unforeseen circumstances and that she would receive an update on her new transfer date in the future. If she had any questions, she could request and appointment and that he would endeavour to help her.

"But I've packed!" she exclaimed, it was the first thing that came to mind. The second was that there was no way she was booking _any_ god damn appointments and she shot to her feet and strode angrily out the door.

Deanna sensed Beverly coming to the bridge long before she saw her. She wondered what was going on, but she was in command on the bridge and had to remain professional. "Riker to Captain Picard." Deanna

"Picard here."

"Dr Crusher is on her way up to see you," she said carefully, measuring her words. Deanna glanced to her right and saw the ships second officer frowning back at her in confusion.

"Acknowledged. Picard out."

Deanna's eyebrows shot up as she sensed the captain's anxieties sharply increase as soon as she had told him he was expecting a visitor. Deanna would have given anything to be a fly on the wall. She wondered what could have happened to make Beverly so incensed that finally after over a month of avoiding Jean-Luc like the plague, she was now storming the corridors on her way to confront him.

The counsellor glanced over her shoulder as the lift doors opened. The tall redhead strode out and directly walked straight into the captain's ready room without so much as a knock.

"What have you done!" the crew on the bridge heard the doctor demand as the doors closed behind her. All eyes immediately landed on the counsellor.

Deanna shrugged helplessly.

"I beg your pardon," Jean-Luc said from his seat behind the desk.

"I said what have you done?" Beverly demanded, hands on hips and fury oozing from every pore.

"To what are you referring doctor?" he replied coolly. He knew the only way to control Beverly's temper was to ensure she remembered her position.

"The delay in my transfer," she answered through gritted teeth. She took a deep breath, trying to calm down. The use of her title hadn't gone unnoticed. Jean-Luc was treating this as official business and that meant she had to.

"I'm sorry we had to delay your transfer at the last minute," he answered.

Beverly glared at him, her ire rising when she realised he was goading her on purpose. "Why?" she asked.

"It was just over two years ago when we lost Commander Data. We also lost our first officer and ships counsellor to the Titan. The Enterprise was finally adjusting to the change and in the last few months, we have lost our new ships counsellor. She has informed command that she will not be returning to her post and is going to return to her home planet to raise her daughter. Therefore, I have to find another counsellor suitable for the position. At the same time my first officer, Commander Tyler has been offered his own command and will be leaving for his new position at the end of the month. Therefore, I have to find a replacement for him. In addition, the Head of Biomechanical Engineering is moving on this month. Commander Daren is also returning to her position at Headquarters," Jean-Luc glanced down at his computer screen and slowly made an adjustment to something.

"Captain?" Beverly couldn't believe he was deliberately goading her.

"Oh sorry," he said looking surprised to see her. "Where was I?"

"You were saying you're ex is transferring to get away from you…" she said helpfully, two could play at that game.

Jean-Luc paused and looked up, trying to keep his face neutral. "Oh yes," he said with a polite nod. "So I requested that some of the transfers be delayed. I would ideally like to have staggered the transfers to allow me plenty of time to select a replacement, but command refused permission. They did however grant me permission to hold on to one member of my crew."

"That's me?"

"Quite right," Jean-Luc nodded.

"May I ask why it was decided that I alone remain behind?"

"Quite simply, you have been off the ship already for a long period of time this past year so my sickbay has already been six months without a fully appointed CMO. Plus Dr Grady, who will be your deputy when you finally get to Earth, has spent a lot of time acting up as HSM and it will be no problem for him to remain in that position until you are ready to transfer."

"Can I appeal against this decision?"

"You are able to appeal against my decision," he answered. "But in all honesty Doctor, that would take a few months to come to conclusion so you may as well just wait."

Beverly sat for a moment, using only her eyes to convey how displeased she was. "I have some arrangements I need to _un_-make. I will think about putting in an appeal. May I go now _sir_?"

"Dismissed."

Beverly turned and steamed out the door without looking back. She ignored Deanna's attempt to catch her attention and headed straight inside the lift.

Deanna sat on the bridge, her foot tapping in agitation. She had four minutes left before the end of her shift and these minutes seemed to be the longest minutes ever. Ever since Beverly had stormed out of the Ready Room first thing that morning, she had been desperate to find out why. Jean-Luc was anxiously hiding in his office and from what Deanna could sense, Beverly was in foul mood and her staff were all avoiding her and gossiping about the cause of their bosses demeanour.

As soon as the chronometer flicked over to sixteen hundred hours, Commander Tyler, her husband's replacement strode confidently onto the bridge to begin his shift.

"Anything to report?" he asked as he switched seats with the counsellor.

"Absolutely nothing has happened all day," Deanna answered. "We're still on route to Betazed as detailed in the logs."

"Thank you counsellor," Tyler smiled. "You have a good night."

"You too," Deanna said, already heading towards the lift.

"I was expecting you," Beverly said without a welcoming smile, as soon as Deanna appeared in her office. "Has he even showed his face?"

"He hasn't left the ready room," Deanna answered. "What on earth happened?"

"He has delayed my transfer by six months!"

"Oh," Deanna muttered, noting that the captain was getting brave in his old age. It seemed as though he was determined to sort out this mess and knew that if Beverly had transferred away, things would never be the same again. Silently, she praised her old Captain. "Can he do that?" the counsellor asked, pretending to be on the doctor's side.

"Apparently so. I spoke to Command myself and his reasons are legitimate and he has the power. I would probably lose any appeal against the decision," Beverly answered. "I am so angry right now!"

"I can see that…"

"I stayed up all night packing everything too!"

"I'll help you unpack tonight if you like," Deanna offered.

"I just bought a god damn house…" Beverly continued ranting for another hour until the end of her shift.

Deanna sat on the chair on the other side of Beverly's desk eating a cheese sandwich and listening to Beverly's complaints, making sure she nodded her head and agreed with Beverly's sentiments in all the right places.

Periodically, Beverly paused what she was doing and asked the computer for Jean-Luc's current location. Each time the computer answered, he was either in his ready room or on the bridge. Immediately she'd return to the reports she was editing and continue to rant about the inconvenience of the whole thing.

"I'm still buying the house," Beverly said as they walked to her quarters after the end of the doctor's shift. "If I don't sign all the papers today, it might not be available in six months time and I've really got my heart set on it."

"I don't blame you," Deanna replied. "It's a gorgeous house."

Beverly shot Deanna a smile before tapping her comm badge. "Computer, locate Captain Picard."

"Captain Picard is on the bridge."

"Why do you keep asking where he is?"

"Because he turned our discussion earlier into business and as soon as he's home I'm going to _make_ it personal."

Hours later and Jean-Luc Picard still wasn't home. Deanna was lying on her back staring at the ceiling above Beverly's bed while Beverly was hanging up her clothes in the wardrobe.

"He's hiding," Beverly said breaking the silence.

"Probably."

"He's only prolonging the inevitable."

"Beverly you are exhausted. You didn't sleep at all last night…"

"I'm not going to bed and have him sneaking off to his office again before I've got up tomorrow morning."

"How is Wesley?"

"Huh?" Beverly frowned, wondering where that had come from. "Wesley?"

"Your son…"

"I know who he is; I'm just wondering why you asked about him right out of the blue like that."

"Your photo here," Deanna said, picking up the frame. It was the first thing that Beverly had unpacked.

Beverly wandered over and took the frame in her hand. She smiled at the memories the simple image evoked. "Wesley was six months old here," she said wistfully. "Christmas at nana's house on Caldos. Jack couldn't get leave that year and I was so upset that he couldn't be with me or with our son on his first Christmas," Beverly heaved a sigh. "I remember when I found out I was pregnant… I was terrified," she laughed at the memory. "I was terrified of everything. I was a trainee doctor and knew what birth entailed and I was still terrified! I wrapped myself in cotton wool…" Beverly paused, noticing Deanna's silence. She turned and found the counsellor staring down at the bedclothes. "Are you okay?"

"Mmm," Deanna muttered. "Fine." She didn't look up.

Beverly sat down on the bed beside her friend, "Like hell you are," she said softly. "Deanna please tell me what's wrong. I can see you're upset."

"I'm fine."

Beverly watched a tear fall from the end of Deanna's nose and land on the pillow. "You're fine are you?"

"Yes," Deanna muttered.

"Right," Beverly slapped her thighs and disappeared into the living area.

Deanna sat up, trying to compose herself before Beverly returned.

"Okay," Beverly said walking back into the bedroom.

Deanna saw the medi kit in the doctor's hand, and looked up at Beverly in confusion. "What are you doing with that?"

"I've got to make a diagnosis," Beverly said, setting the case down on the bedside table.

"What for?" Deanna asked, as Beverly scanned her with a tricorder.

"Well if you're not upset, then I've got to find out the reason why your eyes are watering so much. It could be infectious. I don't want the rest of the crew coming down with it," Beverly replied, deadpanned. She turned and met the counsellor's eyes and watched as Deanna burst into tears.

"Shuss," Beverly said, sinking down on the bed, pulling Deanna into her arms. "Tell mommy all about it."

"Oh my god," Deanna laughed through her tears, allowing Beverly's to hug her.

Beverly leaned down until she met Deanna's eyes, "Out with it," she said softly.

"I can't," Deanna answered.

"It's always better out than in…"

Deanna knew she needed to tell Beverly what was wrong. Beverly was the one person who may understand. "I didn't come here to act as Ships Counsellor just to keep an eye on you."

"You didn't?"

Deanna shook her head closing her eyes as she pulled away from her friends embrace. "I came here to speak to you. I've done something so horrible. So so horrible."

"What?" Beverly asked, not thinking Deanna capable of doing anything as bad as she was making out.

"Will and I have been trying for a baby for over a year now."

Beverly nodded, "That's right. You told me."

Deanna nodded.

"Are you having problems conceiving?" Beverly asked softly. "Because there are all kinds of things I can do to help you with that."

Deanna started to sob again, covering her face with her hands.

Beverly frowned, "Are you pregnant already?"

"No," Deanna shook her head. "Will think's we have fertility problems… He's been for tests this week and he has the all clear… He's desperate for children. He talks about what they will be like," she heaved a sigh. "Whether we'll have a mini me or a mini him. Will Junior…"

"Have you discovered that you have a problem?" Beverly asked softly.

"No," Deanna shook her head. She gave a loud sob, "Beverly I'm terrified… So scared."

"Of having a baby?" Beverly asked.

Deanna shook her head, "I had a miscarriage just after we transferred to the Titan."

"I'm so sorry," Beverly reached for Deanna's hand, squeezing it softly to let Deanna know she was there for her. "You didn't tell me," she added.

"Only Will and the old Titan's CMO know," she answered softly. "I had some counselling, but I don't think it worked."

Beverly had to agree with that sentiment, "It's not a fast process," she said softly. "You're still grieving Deanna."

Deanna nodded her head, "It's my second miscarriage."

"You had one before?"

"Years ago."

"Not Will's?"

Deanna tipped her head forward, "I never even told him. There didn't seem any point because we never got back together after he left Betazed."

"Maybe you should tell him now?" Beverly suggested. "Secrets in a marriage aren't good." Beverly's advice only served to make Deanna cry harder. "I know Will Deanna," Beverly said softly. "He would understand why you didn't tell him."

"Yeah I know he would," Deanna agreed. "But that's not what's wrong… I'm absolutely terrified of it happening again. I don't want to go through it again. I'm not over it. I never thought I could feel so sad…"

Beverly felt tears filling her own eyes as she tugged a reluctant Deanna back into her arms. "You never get over it," she said softly near Deanna's ear. "But the pain does get easier to live with. Grief is a horrible, horrible process… It does get easier, you just need time." Beverly knew Deanna already knew all of this herself, but she didn't know what else to say. "Why did you say you had done something horrible?"

At first, Deanna didn't answer.

"Deanna?"

"Will thinks I have fertility problems…"

"There are many procedures I can perform to help you get pregnant. And there are a few things I could do to help make your pregnancy a little more stable…" Beverly began; her thinking cap firmly on her head. "There are ways to help you Deanna."

"I don't need help getting pregnant," the counsellor said softly.

Beverly was getting thoroughly confused, "You don't?"

"I am still wearing my implant…"

Beverly blinked in surprise, "Your contraceptive implant?" she asked, just to confirm whether or not her ears were betraying her.

Deanna nodded.

"Because you're scared that you will have another miscarriage?" Beverly asked softly.

The counsellor simply nodded again.

Beverly understood Deanna's fear more than the counsellor realised, "Well we can just remove it when you're ready. Although it will be a little difficult with us serving on separate ships…" Beverly looked down into Deanna's inky eyes; the counsellor was watching her with a furrowed brow.

"You totally get it," Deanna said in amazement. "You really understand…"

"It's totally understandable to have a fear of losing someone you love," Beverly said, squeezing Deanna's hand.

Deanna nodded, "I know," she answered. "Can you remove my implant?" she said, turning to the doctor.

"Now?"

Deanna nodded, "I can't live with the guilt anymore. If Will knew what I'd done…"

"I'm sure he'd understand…"

"Maybe," Deanna said distantly.

Beverly reached into her medi kit, "Deanna, if you're not ready for a baby yet then you don't have to conceive right now just to please Will. You're still young; you have a few more years of healthy fertility age to go. You should just tell Will how you're feeling."

"He doesn't understand…"

"He may never truly understand the bond that a mother has with the baby growing inside of her, even in the first few weeks of pregnancy, that bond is strong. Will will understand that you're not ready to conceive right now. If it makes you feel any better, there is no need to tell him that you kept your implant in all these months."

"Lies are always found out," Deanna said softly. "It may take a long time, but they do get found out and I am not a good liar. Will knows something is wrong."

"So tell him then," Beverly said softly. "Tell him exactly how you told me."

"You understand because you're having a similar problem to me with the captain," Deanna immediately felt Beverly withdraw mentally. She had touched a raw nerve.

"Do you want the implant removed now?" the doctor asked, ignoring Deanna's comment.

Deanna held out her arm, "Yes please."

Beverly removed the implant, watching Deanna studying her from the corner of her eye. "There," she said after a minute. "All done. Your cycle should begin as normal in forty to forty eight hours. Any longer than that, come and see me."

Deanna nodded, "Alright."

"And remember, you have plenty of time. You're still young."

"What is it?" Deanna asked softly.

"Pardon?" Beverly blinked in surprise.

"You felt sad just then… When you said I was still young."

"Oh," Beverly shrugged. "It's just I'm supposed to have had a daughter," she chuckled, pretending she didn't care.

Deanna tilted her head to one side, "Talk."

"Well every Howard woman has at least one daughter," Beverly shrugged again. "Wesley won't ever bother to use my maiden name and probably won't give it to his children. And if he eventually… one day… at some time in the future…" She rolled her eyes and grinned, "Finds himself a wife, she will probably have her own family traditions. It's my family custom that Howard women continue to use the Howard name. It's my official name, even though I don't use it every day. I am the last Howard woman alive in my maternal line. That's kind of sad."

"Family tradition is important to you isn't it?"

"Well, it would be a shame to lose everything my ancestors believed it, even if I think it's… not imperative. It's just a shame that I can't carry on the tradition."

"You're still young," Deanna said.

Beverly laughed, "Yeah right! I'm twelve years older than you!"

"It's still possible though isn't it? You're fit and healthy."

"And without a man. That reminds me," Beverly began packing away her medi kit. "Computer, locate Captain Picard."

"Captain Picard is on the bridge."

"He'll probably sleep on his couch in the office…"

Beverly groaned, "Surely I'm not _that_ scary!"

Deanna smiled, "Of course not," she said drolly.

Beverly yawned, "Coffee," she muttered, getting to her feet.

"Go to bed," Deanna said, following Beverly to the replicator. "It's gone midnight now. You're exhausted and you have another full day of work ahead of you. You're responsible for people's lives. Surely, you can wait until tomorrow to shred the captain into little bits? Besides, he won't sleep a wink if he thinks you're still on the warpath."

Beverly knew Deanna was right. "Ok," she said, finally admitting defeat. "I don't want to fall asleep while I'm giving him a piece of my mind."

"Good," Deanna said, reaching over she squeezed the doctor's arm.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Beverly seeing Deanna to the door.

Despite her exhaustion, Beverly still couldn't sleep. It was as if her mind was on a treadmill, running constantly through different trains of thought. Now, not only did she have her own problems to worry about, now Deanna's plight was added to the mix. She hoped Will would be okay with everything. She had complicated medical procedures spinning around in her head too, trying to think of something that would ease Deanna's mind and allow her to relax during the pregnancy and not become too stressed. Stress was not good during pregnancy.

She rolled onto her side in effort to stop the never ending circle of thoughts and saw the silhouettes of the packing cases in the darkness of her bedroom. Immediately she grew angry and couldn't believe that Jean-Luc, the man that supposedly loved her, would have the audacity to delay her transfer to Earth!

As she lay there, thinking about Jean-Luc, she got more and more wound up until finally she growled loudly, threw the bed sheets back and swung her legs over the edge of the bed.

"Computer, locate Captain Picard."

"Captain Picard is in his quarters."

"Right!" she said with determination. "Time to make it personal!"

It was just past one in the morning and Jean-Luc mistakenly thought it was safe to return home. He had tried to sleep on the couch in his office, but rather than sleep, he had just received a stiff neck and a slight headache.

He had changed into his pyjamas and was heading for the welcome relief of his own comfortable bed when the doors to his quarters opened and Beverly strode in without ringing the chime.

"Have you been waiting up all night to reprimand me?" he asked in disbelief.

Beverly had been expecting Jean-Luc to be in his bed, not standing in front of her wide awake. "I knew you were avoiding me!"

"Do you blame me?" he asked seriously.

Beverly was so taken aback by Jean-Luc's reaction to her arrival, she merely blinked in surprise.

"Obviously you're very angry," Jean-Luc continued, looking Beverly up and down. "You didn't bother to get dressed."

Beverly tightened the cord on her dressing gown, grinding her teeth. Jean-Luc had completely flummoxed her and she couldn't remember what she was going to say. Eventually she found her tongue, "What is wrong with you?" she asked in confusion. She actually wondered whether he had been replaced with another doppelganger.

Jean-Luc shook his head, "nothing that I'm aware of."

Beverly growled, "You can't stand there and pretend that you didn't have a hand in this!"

"Beverly," he said evenly. "It's late and I really would like to sleep, so unless you plan on coming to bed with me, then I suggest you go home."

Beverly's mouth moved but no sound came out. "That isn't funny!" she managed to splutter.

"I never said it was," he replied.

"You delayed my transfer on purpose!" she snapped. "How can you stand there in front of me looking pleased with yourself?"

"I suppose you could say I am feeling relieved," he answered.

"Relieved!" she spat.

"That you aren't leaving for Earth yet."

Beverly's mouth fell open, "You admit you stopped my transfer on purpose?"

"Yes," he answered simply. "I only heard afterwards that you had packed and were almost ready to go. I'm so sorry about that Beverly, I didn't realise you were quite that organised."

"And now you're insulting my organisational skills?"

"Well last time, you did forget to take your pet fish…"

"Jean-Luc! What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think I'm just going to accept this and that I'm not going to put in a complaint? You can't do this!"

"Beverly," he said slowly. "I already have."

"Why?" she demanded.

"I told you this morning," he answered.

Beverly turned and punched the bulkhead behind her with clenched fists, "Are you punishing me for what happened with Nella?" she asked desperately.

"Of course not," he answered, walking closer to her. He reached and took her hands in his. "If you had gone to Earth now," he said slowly. "Nothing would have changed. You are one of the most stubborn people I know…"

"I am not!" Beverly countered.

"Yes Beverly, you are," he answered. "We need this delay to get our friendship back. If I had let you leave now, you and I both know we would both still be ignoring one another. And the longer you leave it, the harder it is to sort it out."

Beverly looked into Jean-Luc's eyes; she could see he was being sincere.

"I'm sorry for everything that's happened between us," he continued. "I really am. I got caught up in something and turned my back on you. I never meant to hurt you Beverly. I truly am sorry."

Beverly couldn't meet his eye. Remembering the pain she had been through, she couldn't trust herself not to cry. She was exhausted and her usual fiery spirit deflated when she heard his apology.

"Surely you don't want to give up on our friendship?" he asked softly.

Beverly shook her head, "No," she breathed.

"So are we in agreement?"

"About what?"

"That you transferring to Earth this week was not the best of ideas?"

"And you really think that postponing my transfer to earth without telling me of your plan was the best way to go about doing it?" she demanded in return.

"Probably not," he answered. "But I have been down to sickbay five or six times this past month to see you and each time your Nurse Ogowa has… diverted me. She's like some kind of blood hound! She sniffed me out no matter what entrance I used and once she wasn't even on duty! I didn't even make it the door of your office!"

Beverly couldn't help it; she burst into laughter at the image he had created in her mind.

"She should be in security!" he joined her laughter.

It was so good to hear him laughing again and it felt so good to laugh with him.

"So," he said smiling. "Shall we work this out between us then?"

Beverly nodded, it's what she wanted more than anything and maybe, just maybe, there wouldn't be a need for her to leave the Enterprise after all.

"Right," he said. "Breakfast here tomorrow at oh seven hundred hours."

'_Wow_,' Beverly thought, wondering if it would truly be this easy. "I'll be here," she said. "And maybe I will actually sleep tonight," she added turning towards the door.

"Me too," he breathed softly.

The goodbye was awkward, but Beverly headed back to her quarters in a completely different mood to the one she had when she had left home ten minutes beforehand. She hoped that she and Jean-Luc could move past this and get back to normal and finally, for what seemed like months, she was able to sleep naturally.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

Beverly walked inside Deanna's quarters feeling the best she had done for over a year. She found the counsellor seating at her table, chin resting in one hand and staring blankly into the depths of her cereal bowl. Deanna didn't even look up.

"Deanna?" Beverly said softly.

Slowly Deanna lifted her head, she looked surprised to Beverly. "Sorry Beverly!" she exclaimed, "I didn't hear you come in."

"You didn't even sense me? Are you okay? "

"Yes," Deanna answered. She then frowned as the change in Beverly's emotional state suddenly filtered through her own jumbled emotions.

"What's going on?" she demanded.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Beverly asked again.

"What happened?" Deanna asked.

"Deanna, are you okay?"

"Will you stop asking me if I'm okay and answer my question Beverly!"

Beverly took a step back, "I had breakfast with Jean-Luc this morning," she answered. Deanna's jaw almost hit the floor, "What?"

"I had breakfast this morning with Jean-Luc," Beverly repeated.

"Beverly, _am_ I okay?" Deanna asked wide eyed. "Because I could have sworn you just said you had breakfast with the captain."

"I did," Beverly answered, amused by her friend.

"Wait, let me get this straight," the counsellor continued. "Last night when I left, you wanted to kill him, but were exhausted so you went to bed instead. You were going to kill the man Beverly!"

"I couldn't sleep so I decided I'd go and kill him a little earlier than planned," Beverly answered. "Jean-Luc explained that he had delayed my transfer on purpose so that we had time to work on our relationship. He was right when he said that if I had of gone, it was more than likely that we would have continued to avoid one another until the damage we had done to our relationship was irreparable."

Deanna couldn't argue with that reasoning, Beverly was stubborn and nobody ever wanted to face Beverly after they had annoyed her. Jean-Luc was not immune. "So…" she said slowly. "You both just decided to have breakfast this morning?" She watched Beverly nod her head. "And I take it from the smile on your face, that it went okay." After the mood Beverly had been in all day long, Deanna had expected a massive fall out between them, not a little drizzle. It was like someone had blown out Beverly's match.

"It was awkward at first," Beverly answered. "But once we got talking it was just like the old days."

"Did you talk about Nella?"

Beverly looked incredulous, "No! We're trying to put all that behind us."

Deanna resisted the urge to slam her forehead on the table. "I'm going to say one thing," the counsellor said. "_This_ is going to come back and bite you on the arse."

"No it isn't," Beverly responded immediately.

"Well I'm going to stick to our pact after saying this one thing," Deanna answered. "I hope you two are very happy together living in the land of denial."

"It's not like that…"

"Okay," Deanna said with a broad smile.

"It isn't," Beverly insisted.

"Like I said, okay," Deanna said deadpanned.

Beverly didn't want to hear what Deanna was saying. She didn't want to let the doubts that had been niggling at the back of her own mind, take over. "Well I'm off to work," she said. "Bye," she said heading to the door quickly.

"I have a visitor arriving this afternoon," Deanna called to Beverly just before the doctor disappeared from view.

Beverly paused, closing her eyes to calm herself before turning back to face the counsellor. She expected another sarcastic comment, something along the lines of this particular visitor arriving from the land of denial. "Who?" she asked.

"Will," Deanna answered. "I called him last night when I got in, after we talked about my problems."

Beverly immediately felt bad and returned to Deanna's side, sliding into the chair beside her. "How far away is the Titan?"

"He was on Earth and he left straight away," Deanna answered. "He should be here in a few hours. I told him that I wanted you to be our doctor."

"Yeah," Beverly said slowly. "That makes complete sense having your family doctor millions of light years away… Should take me a week to get there for the birth…"

Deanna lightly slapped the doctor's arm, a grin on her face. "This is serious."

"I know," Beverly answered. "Sorry. What have you told him?"

"I did what you said," Deanna said softly. "I told him like I told you."

"Everything?"

"If you mean about the implant? Yes. Everything," the counsellor said.

"How did he take it?" Beverly asked, imagining the tears they must have shed together. It must have been hard to discuss over a monitor, hundreds of light years apart and unable to hold one another.

"Well I was going to just ask him if he could visit because I knew he wasn't far away, but he knew something was wrong immediately. We've been… short with each other because of this for a while. He kept on and on, asking me what was wrong so I told him everything."

Beverly reached for Deanna's hand and she squeezed her fingers. "How did he take it?"

"I think he's shocked," Deanna said softly. "It's harder for me to talk like that through a screen because I can't sense his emotions. He left for here right away too. He cancelled all his appointments to be with me."

"Was he angry? Did he raise his voice?"

"I don't think he had time to process everything…" Deanna sighed. "I suppose he will be doing that in the shuttle all the way here."

"Well I think you and he should spend the evening together talking things through properly," Beverly said. "Tomorrow you can come see me and I'll go through everything with you. I will run tests to make sure everything is in order and see how I can help your future pregnancy run smoothly. I can share my findings with the Titan's doctor."

"If I don't see you by lunchtime tomorrow, can you come and look for my body?"

Beverly laughed, "You're over the worst. It's dealing with the aftermath now and everyone knows, you're trained to deal with aftermaths."

"Not my _own_ aftermaths," Deanna winced dramatically. "Aren't you late for work?"

"Oh damn!" Beverly said, jumping to her feet and running for the door. "Let me know if you need me!"

"Hypocrite," Deanna muttered as soon as she knew Beverly was unable to hear her. Beverly appeared to be a firm believer in 'Don't do as I do, do as I say' philosophy. Beverly was big on making sure Deanna sat down and talked things through with Will, but wouldn't even consider doing the same with Jean-Luc.

"Captain?" Deanna called, running along after him down the corridor.

"Counsellor," Jean-Luc smiled, pausing for her to catch up. "Shouldn't you and Will be in the transporter room now? I was just on my way to say goodbye."

"Yes, he can wait five minutes," she answered with a wave of a hand. "I just want to have a word with you before we go."

"Go ahead."

Deanna glanced at a passing crew member, "In here," she said, motioning towards a small laboratory a few doors down the corridor.

Bemused, Jean-Luc followed. Once inside, Deanna turned to face him and he could see she was struggling with some internal demon. "Are you quite alright Deanna?" he asked.

"Jean-Luc," Deanna said slowly, her eyes on her toes.

Jean-Luc's eyebrows rose, Deanna had never managed to call him by his first name before.

"Jean-Luc," she repeated, looking up to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry and please tell me if you think I am stepping out of line. May I ask you a personal question?"

Curious, Jean-Luc nodded.

"Are you happy with your current relationship with Beverly?"

"Ah," Jean-Luc said, finally comprehending why Deanna was so uncomfortable. "Well yes," he answered. "We are finally behaving like civilised adults again."

"But are you happy?" Deanna pressed.

"I suppose."

"May I be frank?" she asked, sensing her captain tense up.

"I have always trusted your judgement Deanna," he said softly. "Please, go ahead."

"I must commend you for doing all you could to delay Beverly's transfer to Earth," she began. "That was…"

"Brave," Jean-Luc chuckled.

Deanna smiled and nodded, "I was pleasantly surprised. Anyway," she took a deep breath. "I am breaking every oath I signed up for… even a few Betazoid ones. Jean-Luc, you aren't happy with this. It's been a month of breakfasts and dinners, both of you pretending that nothing happened and that Nella didn't exist. You're trying to forget that you found out she was in love with you because you don't want to lose her. You want to make her happy because you don't want her to go to Earth. You'd rather continue with this charade than come to terms with the truth that she is too scared to confront," she paused, watching her old captain. He was standing in front of her, a stoic expression on the outside and was anything but stoical on the inside. Deanna had touched the nerve she wanted to.

"Beverly will never do anything about this," Deanna continued. "She is absolutely terrified and I really can't figure out why. You need to try and talk to her."

"She doesn't stay to listen…"

"To be blunt," the counsellor said bravely. "You let her go. You have _always_ let her go. You never go after her and try to find out why she fled. You seem to just accept it as a part of Beverly. She will continue to run from you forever if you let her."

"I can't make her be with me Deanna," he said.

"No, I agree, but you do have the right of an explanation. You can ask her why. Whether she tells you or not is another matter."

Jean-Luc nodded, "I will take this under advisement Deanna," he said slowly.

"Just don't back down," she added. "Don't waiver. Let her know you won't be satisfied until you get your explanation." Deanna knew she had hit home and knowing that, she felt at ease and able to go home with her husband. She knew Jean-Luc wouldn't sit back forever waiting for some kind of miracle to occur.

"Riker to Counsellor Riker."

"Riker here," Deanna said, grinning sheepishly.

"You're supposed to be here. Not wherever you are at the moment."

"On my way," she answered.

"Shall we?" Jean-Luc said, holding out his arm for the counsellor.

"Where have you been?" Will asked rolling his sparkly blue eyes in good mirth, when his wife and his old captain finally joined the little departure party in one of the Enterprise's shuttle bays.

"I totally lost track of time," Deanna answered, aware that Beverly was standing just to the right of her husband.

"Stay," Beverly said in mock desperation. She received a chorus of agreement from others in the room. "Please stay!"

"Quite," Jean-Luc said. "My first officer and ships counsellor are both moving on," Jean-Luc agreed.

"What's the point?" Will said laughing. "We only come here for the best medical treatment in the universe and that's going soon too!"

"You really should change deodorant captain," Beverly laughed.

Jean-Luc laughed, "I will confine Dr Crusher to her office for the foreseeable future if you agree to return to your old posts."

"Oh you will, will you?" Beverly challenged.

"Whatever it takes doctor," he smiled.

Everyone exchanged hugs and stood back as the Titan shuttle lifted off and left the bay. Jean-Luc and Beverly were the last to leave. The stood together watching as the shuttle disappeared into the darkness of space.

"Each time they leave, it feels like the end of an era," Beverly said sadly.

"I agree," he answered sadly.

"I don't feel like it. This place hasn't been the same since they left…" she mumbled, shuffling slowly towards the exit. "At their wedding I was really happy for them. I just felt … depressed the whole day because I knew they were going to leave us."

Jean-Luc looked over and caught her eye, "How do you think I feel now, knowing that you're going again?" he asked softly.

Beverly gazed into his eyes for a moment before looking away and nodding her head in understanding, "The future is not set in stone."


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen**

_The future is not set in stone_

Ever since Beverly had uttered those immortal words two months ago, Jean-Luc had hardly thought of nothing else. He had heard Beverly say those words before, years ago during one of Q's pageants through time and space. It was the first time she had said it to him in real life and Jean-Luc couldn't help but wonder if that held some meaning he wasn't privileged to know yet. Was it a sign?

He lifted his head, watching Beverly tear her croissant in half as she spoke animatedly about some ship scandal or another. Jean-Luc had always wondered why Beverly seemed to be the only member of his senior staff who was included in the Enterprise's gossip mongering. She was always the keeper of the 'juicy gossip key'.

He watched as she helped herself to more coffee and spooned a generous amount of sugar into the black liquid.

"Can you pass the cream?" she asked jolting him out of his thoughts.

"I can't do this anymore."

"Huh?" Beverly blinked in surprise.

"I can't do this anymore," he said again, setting his tea cup down on the table. Beverly stared back at him, croissant in one hand and a spoon in the other. Her eyes wide with fear as she silently pleaded with him not to continue.

"Can't do what?" she asked casually, hoping he would change his mind.

"I can't pretend nothing happened anymore," he answered, getting to his feet. "I can't put on this charade to make you feel better. I won't do it anymore Beverly! I refuse."

Beverly stayed rooted to her chair.

"I can't sit here for the rest of my life sharing coffee and croissants with you anymore!"

"Fine," Beverly snapped, dropping her croissant down into the basket in the middle of the table and throwing the spoon onto her plate. "If that's how you feel!"

She was about to storm out the door when Jean-Luc's arm shot in front of her, blocking her path with a firm hand on the doorframe. She stared at his arm for a moment before her eyes travelled along his form until they reached his eyes. This was new. She didn't know quite what to do.

She decided to walk around the obstacle and was met with his other arm. "Someone will see," Beverly said, praying on his need to keep his private life private.

"I don't care," he answered.

"Jean-Luc let me out!" she snapped, glaring at him.

"I can't," he answered. "This is not fair. We have to talk about this."

"There is nothing to talk about," she answered. "Let me out."

Jean-Luc remembered Deanna's advice and let her go. He knew she would think it a small victory and wouldn't imagine for one second that he would follow. He sent word to the bridge that he would not be in all day and then headed after her.

Beverly sank down on her couch. Her happy little world had been shattered again. Why had he decided to break their monotony? Beverly guessed this was what Deanna had meant by it coming back to bite her on the arse.

Her door chime rang.

Beverly's eyes shot to the door, wondering who would be calling her this early in the morning. "Come," she called.

The doors parted to reveal Jean-Luc. He quickly stepped inside before she had a chance to recede her invitation and threw him out. "We have to talk."

"No we don't," she answered.

"I'm not asking you to do anything," he said softly. "We have to talk about everything that happened."

"I _don't_ have to talk about anything."

Jean-Luc groaned, "Why are you so stubborn?" he asked rhetorically. "Beverly I can't go on like this… It's hell! We're living some kind of stalemate… a life of total and utter denial. You'd swear blind that you didn't have the nose on your face if it helped you get out of this conversation."

"Why didn't you just pass me the cream like I asked?" She asked softly, closing her eyes.

"Call sickbay," he said, almost like an order.

"What for?" she asked, turning to look at him.

"Tell them you're not coming in today," he answered.

"I beg your pardon," Beverly said, incredulous.

"Beverly, do it or I will simply do it for you," he answered.

"You can't threaten me Jean-Luc!" Beverly said, jumping to her feet.

"That was hardly a threat. I just think we need this time to talk."

"As far as I am concerned, there is nothing to talk about."

"Well that's our problem in a nutshell isn't it?" Jean-Luc challenged. "You want to bury everything that has happened underneath the carpet and I usually sit back and watch you, sometimes I even hold up the carpet for you! I just can't do that anymore. Things are going to have to change."

Beverly stood stock still watching him. It was almost as if she were in shock at the sudden turn of events. She made no move to call her department to tell them she wasn't coming in. It was as if she was having an out of body experience and was watching and listening to Jean-Luc while floating somewhere near the ceiling.

"Are you happy with our situation?" he asked when she didn't move. "Can you honestly tell me that is all you want from life? A friend for breakfast."

"_That_ is not _all_ you are," she answered.

"So what exactly _am_ I?" he countered, "Oh no wait. I forgot, from time to time we eat dinner together too and sometimes, if I'm _really_ lucky, I get to go to a concert with you."

"Now you're being ridiculous."

"Am I Beverly?" he asked, staring into her eyes, daring her to take up his silent challenge.

"You're my best friend!" she snapped. "That's what friends do, they spend time together."

"You and I both know it's _more_ than that."

Beverly took a sharp breath, "Why can't you just leave it?" she asked desperately.

"I can't go on with this charade any longer," Jean-Luc replied. He tried catching her hands, but Beverly pulled them out of his reach. "I know this is hard," he said softly. "But honestly Beverly, we can't go on like this. I am and well… for most of my life I've loved you and…"

"So you want to talk about Nella then?" she asked, interrupting him. She spoke fast, trying to drown out the rest of his words.

Jean-Luc paused, "No, I don't want to talk about Nella. She doesn't really have anything to do with this. She and I have made our peace, so please stop trying to distract me. I love you Beverly," he said softly. She looked absolutely terrified. "What are you so afraid of?"

"I have to go now," she said, smoothing down the front of her lab coat. "I'm going to miss the hand over and…"

"Call them and tell them you're not able to come in today," he said, interrupting her pathetic excuses.

"I can't," she answered.

"Don't you care about our relationship at all?"

"Of course I do!"

"Well tell them you are unable to work today!"

Beverly didn't move, she glared back at him.

"I believe you at least owe me an explanation," he said slowly. "After everything we have been through together, the very least you can do is explain why you are like you are with me."

"Why I am what…"

This time, Jean-Luc interrupted her. "Why can you have relationships with other men and keep me at arm's length? I know you love me Beverly. I wasn't sure before, but after your reaction to Nella, I know you love me. What is it about me that's different? If you just tell me, this will all be over with. You won't have it resting on your shoulders anymore. I'm not asking you for anything more than a reason. Once that's done, we can try to mend our relationship together. It will all be over Beverly. No more painful secrets. No more lies. No more pretending the elephant isn't in the room."

Beverly's initial anger and surprise at the sudden turn of events dissipated, and she felt tears pricking the back of her eyes. With sagging shoulders and resigned to her fate, she turned and headed towards her computer and fired off a brief message to her second in command, saying she wouldn't be in.

"You explained the meaning of that elephant phrase to me, do you remember?" she asked softly, a wistful smile on her face.

"No?" Jean-Luc was puzzled.

"It's an ancient English metaphorical idiom meaning 'to ignore an obvious truth'," she answered, her eyes on the surface of her desk. "You told me that when we shared our very first earl grey tea in your ready room together on the Enterprise D. It was just after I had returned from Earth as acting head."

Jean-Luc sank down on the couch as the atmosphere in the room changed. "I missed you. I remember," he said slowly. "After you left my office, I remembered making a silent pact that that wouldn't be the last time we shared a break together."

"And it wasn't," she answered with a faint smile.

"No," he smiled. "Though it was the first and last time you drank earl grey. It was also when I knew we could be friends, real friends and you were not just the wife of my late best friend. I hadn't really had a best friend since Jack passed away. I found I was finally able to relax when we spoke, hiding my true feelings from you has never been easy," he chuckled. "Not even after three decades of practice!"

Beverly watched him reminiscing about their past and she too remembered something else that had happened that afternoon that had affected the rest of her life. She had realised for the first time that she loved him.

Jean-Luc watched the sad emotions playing out on the doctors beautiful face. He wondered what she was thinking.

"Do you remember when I did my family tree?" she asked softly.

Jean-Luc smiled and nodded, wondering where this fit in in the grand scheme of things. "I remember the pieces of paper strewn across the corridor walls because you couldn't get your head around the size of the tree when it was on the computer. Geordi helped you create a file on the holodeck."

"That's right," she nodded.

"Without meaning to sound disrespectful; what has that got to do with anything?" he asked.

"You wanted to know why I keep you at arm's length," she answered.

"Of course…"

"Well I'm trying to tell you…"she couldn't meet his eye. "I'm… well I'm embarrassed about it."

"Whatever it is, I won't judge you."

Beverly laughed through her silent tears, "I don't think you will be able not to."

"It can't be that bad," he said, frowning.

"You won't want to be with me. This is going to change your whole opinion of me because it's totally irrational," she said, shaking her head and getting to her feet. "It's the most irrational thing I've probably ever heard of in my life from a member of a species as advanced as ours."

"And that particular member of that species is _you_?"

"Yes, _me_!"

Jean-Luc's eyebrows rose as he watched Beverly make her way over to the viewport.

"It's my grandmother's fault," she began. "That year when I transferred back to earth and left Wesley here on the Enterprise with you, she came to visit me. We hadn't seen each other for years and because she was in her nineties at the time, she decided to make a last journey to Earth. And before you ask," Beverly said, turning to Jean-Luc who was still perched on the edge of her couch. "Yes, she did bring the candle."

"Does this have something to do with what Ronin did to you?" he asked softly.

"No," Beverly shook her head. "Although it probably has a lot to do with why my entire family fell for the charms of an alien masquerading as a ghost."

"How long exactly _was_ that candle in your family?"

"Centuries," Beverly answered, turning to face the stars outside. "The first mention of that candle arriving in my family was in 1832. Jezebel Howard MacMichie, who lived in Scotland, found it by the side of a road, thought it was pretty and took it home with her. There was a clear mention of this in her diary. She was only seventeen and lived the rest of her life as a recluse. She never married nor had any children. The candle past down to Jezebel's niece after she died in 1913, and on and on it went until it was my turn."

Jean-Luc still couldn't fathom what this had to do with their relationship in the present, but he let her continue. He was feeling confident that Beverly might eventually tell him what was holding her back. "That's some family heirloom…"

"Yeah a serial killer lover," she answered. "Who knows how many other victims were out there before you saved me? Ned Quint was probably the last in a long line of innocent victims."

"It's best not to think about," he said softly.

She sighed and leant back against the bulkhead, "Anyway, during her visit to Earth my grandmother was kind enough to enlighten me on another Howard family heirloom."

"I can lend you a phaser if you want," he quipped, trying to lighten her mood.

"Oh I wish it were that simple," she said wistfully.

"What is it?" he asked.

"It isn't an object," she answered cryptically.

"It's not?"

"It's a curse."

"A… curse," he repeated slowly. "Are you serious?"

"Jean-Luc!" Beverly snapped, rounding on him.

"I'll take that as a yes…" he muttered quietly. Jean-Luc discovered that the anger he had seen dissipate from her earlier was very close to the surface.

"I told you it was completely irrational," she snapped.

"I'm sorry," he said holding up his hands. "What kind of curse?"

"Apparently an ancestor of mine happened to steal a '_witches'_ husband. This '_witch'_ put a curse on every woman in my family." She wouldn't meet his eyes.

Jean-Luc did his best to maintain a neutral expression. He couldn't believe his ears and was expecting Beverly to burst out laughing any moment and tell him she was just kidding him on.

"Say something," she said, not able to stand the silence any longer.

Jean-Luc coughed nervously, "What sort of curse?" he asked.

"No Howard woman will live happily ever after," Beverly said dramatically. "Any man the Howard woman falls in love with will die prematurely. Something along those lines…" She turned and studied Jean-Luc's face. "Aren't you going to laugh?" she asked.

"I… I assumed you would kill me if I did," he answered, carefully measuring his words.

"Clever," she half smiled.

"This is what you've been hiding all these years?" he asked. "You're scared to be with me because I might die?"

"Jean-Luc, I have precedent."

"Jack's death was an accident," Jean-Luc protested. "That could have happened to any wife anywhere. Unfortunately it happened to you."

"What about Adam?"

"Adam?"

"The first man I ever loved," she answered. "He died with his family in a shuttle crash while on holiday. He was almost twenty-two, I was seventeen."

Jean-Luc's eyes widened, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

"And then there was Matthew," she continued.

"Another?" he said aghast.

"He got me to start living again after I lost Jack. He spent five years dragging me out of the house, keeping my spirits up after Jack died. Eventually I fell in love with him. He was wonderful with Wesley. He died of a rare syndrome that attacked his nervous system. There was and still is no known cure. I've worked on that syndrome on and off ever since he died."

"I'm so sorry," Jean-Luc said, leaning over he took her hand.

"Odan?" Beverly said, citing another example.

"Odan didn't die," he answered.

"Yes he did."

"His host died, not Odan…"

"Well the 'witch' that cursed my family back in the seventeen hundreds probably didn't know about aliens! She forgot to specify that in her curse!" she pulled her hand from his and walked back to the window feeling restless. "I even killed Ronin!"

Jean-Luc knew he needed to say something, but struggled to find anything that didn't sound condescending.

"So?" Beverly said, turning back to him. "I've lost all four of the men I loved in my life. That also answers your question from earlier, the one about me being with other men and not you? I never loved those men. Do you still want to be with me?"

"More than anything," he answered.

She rolled her eyes in response, "I see we need a little more evidence," she said heading for the desk. "Computer," she called into the air. "Access file name Crusher Family Tree."

"Acknowledged."

"Please tell me, in descending order, the names and details of the woman in the family tree who married but were not widowed."

"Mrs Mable Howard Riley," the computer replied. "Born 1877 in Scotland. Married Thomas Riley, New York, New York State, USA in 1897 aged 20. Died in 1939, aged sixty one, in Clover, California, USA."

"Computer, what year did Mable's husband Thomas Riley die?"

"1941."

"He died two years after she did. Just one female member of my bloodline," she said pointedly to Jean-Luc. "Computer," she called again into the air. "Is there anything else noted in my family tree about Mable Howard Riley?"

"Mable Howard Riley was estranged from her husband. There is sufficient evidence to suggest this marriage was a marriage of convenience in order for Mable to obtain a green card to remain in the USA."

"She didn't love him…" Jean-Luc said slowly.

"Exactly and not only that," Beverly said. "She was a closet lesbian; you had to be back in those days. She had a string of wild romances with beautiful woman. Most of the women in my family kept journals so I was able to read all about their lives. Hers was really some read! When I actually read my ancestors journals that I managed to borrow from distant relatives, all of the women suffered the loss of at least one husband." Beverly paused, watching Jean-Luc as he stared at the floor whilst he tried to absorb what she was telling him. "I didn't believe any of it myself until Odan died. I hadn't listened to my nana when she warned me; I didn't have any trouble allowing myself to fall for Odan. When his body died two weeks into our relationship… My nana's words just kept ringing in my ears. So I did some research."

"Your family tree," Jean-Luc surmised, he sighed and ran a hand over his smooth head. "Beverly, you do realise that all of this could just be a coincidence?" Jean-Luc was pleased because that sounded so much nicer than what he really wanted to say; '_Beverly, you do realise you sound like a nutcase?_'

"That is what the rational side of me is saying," she answered. "Though you do have to admit Jean-Luc, it's one hell of a coincidence."

"Even still…"

"There is no such thing as a curse," Beverly said in monotone, saying what she knew he was about to say before him.

"No," he agreed.

"And the fact that curses have been believed in for centuries has nothing to do with it," she said, again in monotone. "Jean-Luc," she added, looking up. "What if I were to tell you that you would die if you drunk one more cup of earl grey tea?"

He laughed, "I would ignore…" he paused. "Well actually, you're a doctor so I might actually listen to you."

"What if some stranger walked up to you and said it?"

"Why would they?"

"Play along," she snapped.

"Well… I guess I may be a little suspicious. Somebody could have tampered with my tea or my replicator. I would have an engineer run a full diagnostic before I drunk anymore earl grey."

"Right," Beverly nodded. "The stranger sowed a little seed of doubt in your mind."

"I suppose he did."

"Well my nana sowed that little seed of doubt in my head," Beverly said. "And then because I am unable to let things go, I had to go and research it. I knitted a damn blanket of doubt in my head!" she groaned, covering her eyes with her hand as she struggled to keep her control.

"But you know it's ridiculous," Jean-Luc said slowly. He got up, crossed the room and took her hand and led her to the couch.

"Yes," she said in a small voice. "It doesn't matter. You can tell me curses are just a myth until you're blue in the face and I still won't be able to shake it."

"Did you speak to Deanna about this?" he asked. "It could be a phobia of some kind. I think you should speak to Deanna…"

"No!"

"Maybe you…"

"Jean-Luc I'm embarrassed about this enough without Deanna knowing. You forced this out of me. I would never have told anyone had you not forced me."

"You were planning on living the rest of your life alone?"

"If needs be," she answered.

"And as a part of your plan, you wanted me to be alone too?"

Beverly stilled and slowly lifted her head, "Not alone," she said softly.

"But you made it clear you didn't like it that I was dating Nella."

"I know," she answered. "I'm sorry and I shouldn't have done that. Jealousy got the better of me and for that, I'm not proud. I am ashamed."

"What if I had decided to marry Nella?" he watched as Beverly drew a sharp breath.

"I don't know…" she admitted softly. "I guess I would have grown used to it. It would have hurt."

"So as for our future," he asked. "You would have it that we went on together as we always did, content so long as I was there as your best friend."

"I guess so," she admitted reluctantly.

"I would have been none the wiser," he said slowly. "And if I had met someone else, you probably would have got upset. It would have been Nella all over again."

"You haven't just dated Nella. There have been other women and you didn't hear a peep from me," she said. "I've gotten upset over all of them… you just didn't see it."

"Now I know how you feel, I don't think me dating other women will be a problem for you anymore. I won't be able to."

"Jean-Luc," she reached for his hand. "That's why I'm going to Earth. I don't want to stop you from being happy."

Jean-Luc looked down, staring at his lap for some time before speaking. "Beverly I love you. Why would you transferring to earth make me happy? I want to be with you. I left Nella for you. I didn't know if we would ever have a future together, but I still chose you," he rubbed his thumb gently across the back of her hand. He lifted his eyes to hers and found Beverly quietly crying at his words.

"You don't want me to go to Earth?" she asked.

"No!" he laughed, "I didn't want you to go to the Titan either! I don't want you to go anywhere. I want you right here where you are. I don't care about the curse. Anytime with you would be wonderful."

Beverly pushed his hands away and got to her feet, "You do not understand me. It's not your decision. You might not believe in this curse and don't think that dating me would be suicide, but I do. I don't want to lose you Jean-Luc. I just can't… be with you."

"Beverly…"

"Have you ever lost a spouse before?" she asked, glaring at him. "Have you ever lost one of your many girlfriends? No? Well don't try and make out this is some small hurdle that I can just work out."

"I never said that…"

"If it was that simple, don't you think we would have been together years ago?" she asked angrily. "I would never have walked out on you that day I realised you were in love with me too! I wanted so badly to stay with you that night, but the thought of losing you… of you not being in my life… You're never going to understand Jean-Luc."

"I am trying to understand," he said. "I've known about this supposed curse for less than ten minutes. I am trying to understand…"

"Go," Beverly said, pointing at the door.

"What?" Jean-Luc was confused.

"You need to think about this," she said. "You need to decide whether you want me here or if you want me to leave."

"I want you here!"

"Jean-Luc think about it! Do you want to live the rest of your life like we have done for almost two decades? Or do you want to find love and romance and live happily ever after?" She didn't allow him to answer, and frogmarched him to the door. "Go and think."

"Beverly I…"

"Go!" she shoved him outside and shut the door. She stood with her back pressed against the door for a moment, wondering what to do. She half expected the door chime to ring any second and to find her emergency medical team there to section her. She was absolutely mortified and didn't know how she would face Jean-Luc again, knowing he had had more time to realise just how insane she was.

She really did need a stiff drink. Glancing at the chronometer, she decided oh eight hundred and twenty hours was a little _too_ early. Her need for coffee kicked in again and she was just heading to her replicator when the door chime rang. She paused, slowly turning to face the door. Had Jean-Luc reported her?

"Come!" she called as the chime rang for a second time.

Jean-Luc breezed back into the room, "I've thought about it," he said.

"All of two minutes…"

"Ten minutes actually. There is no way I want you to leave here," he said, crossing the room to her side. "Look at me," he said when she refused to meet his gaze. "Beverly look at me," still she didn't lift her gaze, just gave an almost imperceptible shake of the head. Jean-Luc used a finger beneath her chin to lift her face so that he could see into her eyes. "I know you feel like a fool," he said softly.

Beverly's lips twitched upward in agreement.

"You said that Howard women were cursed to never live happily ever after because the men they love will die."

"Yes," she answered.

"You've been in love with me for years," he said softly. "I'm still here."

"I don't know the rules…" she muttered. "It could be if we… act on those feelings."

"I can't imagine what it's like to lose a lover," he said softly. "But once, someone I loved was presumed dead. I felt as if my life had ended. I had only been with her for a short while, so I cannot imagine how it feels to lose a wife or a long-time companion. Those emotions I went through must be magnified ten-fold and in no way am I making light of your fears…" he sighed, gazing into her eyes. "If she had of died, I do know one thing. I know that I would be happy for the short time we spent together. I would cherish those special memories. I bet you remember the special times with Jack. That silly book he had Walker and I scouting the countryside for so that he could ask you to marry him? How he fell off the chair, knocking out his two front teeth, as he tried to put the star on top of your Christmas tree. And how upset he was, not because of his teeth, but because you and I couldn't stop laughing at his misfortune. How he feinted when you were giving birth to Wesley?"

Jean-Luc watched the wistful smile appear on Beverly's face as she was lost in memories of her late husband. "And how he feinted when he had to change Wesley's diaper for the first time too?" he continued.

"My big and strong manly husband," she chuckled. "Oh! You remember when you and he were putting up the Halloween pumpkin lights on the tree in our front yard and a squirrel from inside the tree bit his finger!" she laughed at the memory.

"He fell off the ladder, taking the string of lights and me with him," Jean-Luc chuckled. "He never had much luck with trees. Or Klingons for that matter. I remember when he accidentally tripped a Klingon over. I swear he almost wet his pants when the Klingon hoisted him up by his collar and shoved him against the wall!"

"Really!" Beverly laughed. "Did you step in and smooth it over?"

"Of course," he laughed. "Beverly, despite losing him so young, I would gladly keep all those memories, than to trade them in so that I never knew Jack and therefore would never suffer the pain of losing him. Would you give up those memories so you wouldn't feel the pain of losing him?"

"No," she answered softly.

"And if I were to die in my sleep tonight, what would you have?"

"I'd have wonderful memories of you," she answered. "Especially when I made you play Prince Charming in the pantomime! Wonderful memories…"

That wasn't the answer Jean-Luc was hoping for. "Despite what you're hiding in here?" he asked, touching two fingertips to her heart.

Beverly looked down at his fingers, taking in a shuddery breath.

"If you died in your sleep tonight," he said, changing tactics. "I would forever wonder what it would have been like to kiss your lips and hold you in my arms. I want to know what you look like first thing in the morning and when you get out of the shower. I want to see you brush your teeth and make the bed… though of course I will make it too on alternate days…" he quickly amended.

Beverly roared with laughter, "You already know your place!" Secretly, she was trying to make herself listen and most importantly believe everything he was saying to her in his wonderful voice.

"Beverly," he said sternly. "I would appreciate a little quiet here whilst I say my piece."

Beverly took a step back, shaking her head. It was no use. "If you're trying to seduce me Jean-Luc," Beverly said equally as sternly, only it was clear she wasn't joking. "It's not going to work. I have already told you where I stand. Unless you have some kind of time machine that can take me back to meet the witch with a bad temper, Miss Frances Andrea of the clan Burnett, so that I can apologise to her for what my ancestor did," she shook her head. "Jean-Luc I've had this going around and around in my head for years now. I've tried telling myself everything you just tried and it doesn't work. It just doesn't work. Phobia's don't just go away with words…" the emotions of the moment overwhelmed her for a second and she gave a short sob and turned away from him.

"Well," he said, placing his hands on her shoulders from behind. "I will accept you in whatever way you choose to be in my life. Please stay here with me. Don't go to Earth."

Beverly spun around, throwing herself into his arms and hugging her to him as if he would disappear any second. She pulled back, gave him a smile before pulling him to her again. "If you meet someone Jean-Luc, I want you to go. If that's what you want to do, you go. I will be happy for you."

Jean-Luc seriously doubted he would ever find anyone else. He clung to Beverly to him and swore silently that he would find some way for her to forget the stupid non-existent curse.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen**

"Where are we going?" Beverly said, tugging her suitcase along platform nine towards the shiny burgundy old fashioned train.

"I told you it was a surprise," Jean-Luc answered, following her and tugging his own case.

"Obviously we are going on a train…"

"Whatever gave you that idea?" he asked with a chuckle.

"This is Kings Cross Station in London! It's got to be one of the most famous train stations in the world," she said. "It opened in 1852 and according to urban folklore, Queen Boadicea of the British Iceni tribe is supposed to be buried somewhere beneath platforms 9 and 10. Right beneath our very feet. This station has been used in many literary masterpieces over the centuries."

"You certainly know your train station history…"

Beverly laughed, "I love trains! They are so romantic. Although this isn't the Orient Express," she said as he took her case out of her hand and put it beside his own. "Can't afford that?" she teased.

"This does happen to be the Orient Express," he answered, nodding in the direction she needed to go to find her seat.

"But we're in England," she said in surprise. "If I remember correctly The Orient Express ran from Paris to Istanbul."

"This is the Northern Belle," he answered. "It's one of the Orient Express's sister trains…" his voice trailed off as he watched the look of wonder on her face as she looked about herself in delight. She looked so beautiful in her white wool coat and matching fluffy hat, the chill of winter had made her cheeks pink. He realised he was holding his breath and let it out slowly.

"How long is our journey?" she asked.

"About seven hours," he answered. "We won't arrive until this evening, probably just in time for supper and straight to bed."

"Where are we going?" she asked again.

"Scotland," a helpful fellow passenger said with a smile as he past the doctor.

"Thank you," she answered.

Beverly laughed when Jean-Luc glared at the man's back as he disappeared into one of the carriages. "He wasn't to know it was a secret," she said, unable to hide the mirth from her voice.

Jean-Luc gave a huff and checked the quaint paper ticket again for their carriage number. "We want a carriage named Audrey 191979," he said looking up and the gold painted numbers beside the doors to each carriage. "Surely the train can't be that long?" he said, leaning back to look along the length of the train.

Beverly laughed, "Jean-Luc, the carriages are interchangeable. I guess after centuries, there have been many carriages. It was tradition to give them ladies names."

"Here we are," he said proudly as he spotted their number. He helped her inside and stacked their cases in the luggage rack. "Table three," he said, nodding to the tables covered in pure white table clothes and shiny silverware.

"This is wonderful," she said happily, as she slid into her chair. "It seems we are the only passengers in this carriage. It's going to be a quiet journey. So… why are we going to Scotland?" she asked.

"Have you been before?" he asked, not answering her question.

"No," she answered. "It's somewhere I've always meant to visit. It's supposed to be very beautiful."

"Oh it is," he breathed. "Such beautiful scenery and so historic. It's why I decided that we should spend our shore leave there. I would have thought you would have visited there because of your family's roots."

"A lot of my family were from Scotland," she answered as she took a seat opposite him at the dining table. "But originally we're from England. Howard isn't a Scottish family name."

"Oh I didn't realise that," he said in surprise.

"We got around a bit," she chuckled.

"My family stayed in France," he said. "Compared to yours, mine is positively boring."

"No alien infested heirlooms?" she asked with a grin. Jean-Luc hadn't ever pressured her once to be with him since that day in her quarters seven months earlier. He had respected her decision and despite that invisible line that they knew not to cross, they had managed to grow closer and now, it was clear to Jean-Luc that Beverly was able to joke about it. He was happy for her.

"Nope, just a bunch of mouldy old grapes," he chuckled.

"I must visit your childhood home with you one day," she said just as the train began to move out of the station. Her eyes were drawn to the windows as the train moved slowly out of the station. The original brickwork had been restored to its former glory; it looked almost as it had done back in the 1900's. They were soon out of the tunnel and their darkened carriage was filled with natural light. It was brilliantly sunny and so cold and icy, a perfect winter's day.

"Marie would love to meet you," he smiled.

"So," Beverly said slowly. "What is Marie like?" she asked as she tugged off her gloves.

"She's a redhead, like you in many ways," he smiled and shrugged.

"Is she my age?"

"I am not exactly sure," he answered, fiddling with the zip on his own padded winter coat. It was warm in the carriage and they certainly didn't need all the extra layers they had on now. "I vaguely remember her calling me 'young man' and that would suggest I am younger than she is. So, compared to her, you're still a baby!"

Beverly smiled, "Oh, I think the waiter is coming," she said happily. "I'm starving."

"Inverness!" she exclaimed, as the sign proclaiming the name of the station came into view through her window.

"You've heard of Inverness then?" he asked as he pulled their cases from the luggage rack.

"Of course," she replied, grabbing her suitcase and tugging it onto the platform. She turned, a brilliant smile lighting her face. "Home of the Loch Ness Monster! Are we going monster hunting?"

Jean-Luc smiled, "You sound like a five year old," he chuckled. "Well we are here for two nights before we leave for your new house in France," he answered. "If you want to spend some of your time freezing your socks off in a boat searching for monsters… then I certainly won't stop you."

"Well… when you put it like that," she said slowly. She linked arms with him when he and his suitcase joined her on the platform. "Are we staying in Inverness?"

"Yes," he smiled. "A five hundred year old manor house caught my eye."

"A manor house!"

"Well it's been restored to its former glory and converted into a hotel," he answered, pulling up the collar on his coat. "I hope it lives up to its hype."

"Right now all I'm worried about is my stomach," she answered as they headed towards the exit.

Jean-Luc chuckled, "Tell me something I don't know… One moment, I need to check the time."

Beverly gave him a playful shove.

"The transporter station should be just over there," he said, tugging her across the road. "It closes at twenty hundred hours; if we miss it we will have a long walk!"

"What time is it?"

"We've got three minutes!"

"Run!"

"I am running!"

"It Looks like it's going to snow," she called.

"All the more reason to run!"

They made it in time and were soon transported to the manor house hotel on the outskirts of the city. Beverly gasped and dropped her suitcase. "Wow!" she exclaimed as soon as she caught sight of the enormous building.

"Spectacular isn't it?"

"It's so beautiful," she breathed. "Drumlochie House," she said, reading the name moulded into the wrought iron gates.

The manor house epitomised high Victorian gothic architecture in the most dramatic sense, the stunning redbrick building, although very large, was very welcoming and homely and the gardens outside were immaculate.

Jean-Luc pushed open the gate, and held it while Beverly wandered through extremely slowly, her eyes wide like a child's on Christmas morning.

"Mr Picard?" a woman's voice called from the main entrance. They turned to see a plump woman hurrying down the main steps to greet them. Her dark hair was tied up loosely on her head beneath a tartan bandana.

"Yes?" Jean-Luc said, stepping forward.

"Ahh good," the woman said in a soft Scottish accent as she wiped her hands on a white frilly apron. She shook Jean-Luc's hand firmly and then turned to Beverly and did the same. "I'm Elizabeth MacLean, owner of this fine establishment. I don't usually look this good," she said sarcastically, tugging on her work clothes. "I've been trying to get in touch with you all day."

"Oh?"

"I have some bad news I'm afraid," she said softly as she led them along the garden path and into the lobby. "This building is very old, in ten years, almost to the day, it will turn five hundred. When we spoke the other day and you booked the two bedroom suite, everything was fine. Unfortunately, when the maid went in there this morning to put clean sheets on the beds, the floor was beneath three centimetres of water."

"A flood?" Beverly asked.

"I'm afraid so," Elizabeth answered. "What with the place being so old and everything… well my son and I have been in there all day long with a mop and bucket each. We use traditional methods here," she chuckled. "We're fairly busy this week too, what with the opening of the new Nessy museum this week just down the road. Anyway, you don't want to know all my problems. I've had to put you two in one room," she held up a hand quickly. "Now don't panic. I know you wouldn't have booked a double bedroom suit without reason. The room I've given you is very large. It was the old nursery. It has twin beds, one on either end of the room. I've moved in a few privacy screens too. I'm very sorry about this trouble. I will not charge you for your stay this evening as a gesture of good will."

Jean-Luc daren't look in Beverly's direction.

"I'm sure it will be fine," Beverly said nodding her head.

"Well, well, well," Beverly said a little while later as they headed up the stairs to find their room.

"This wasn't planned…" he said hesitantly.

"I know," she laughed. "I can tell a liar when I see one. That woman wasn't lying."

Jean-Luc heaved a sigh of relief, "I thought that you would think that…" he shook his head and chuckled.

"Well," she said with a grin. "At least you'll get to see me make my bed in the morning. And, if you're really good Mr Picard, I might let you watch me brush my teeth!"

"Oh Mr Picard!" Elizabeth suddenly appeared behind them on the stairs. "I forgot to mention that if you want to go where… you wanted to go, I suggest you head up there now because the snow will settle overnight and unless you want a hike in the morning…"

"Tonight?" he said in surprise.

"Trust me; you won't want to go up there when there is snow on the ground. Even the darkness is better than the snow. Also, what you want to see will be… covered with snow."

"Ahh," he said, finally cottoning on to what the hotelier was meaning.

"What are you talking about?" Beverly asked in confusion.

"The surprise," Jean-Luc answered.

"If you want I can replicate you something to eat along the way and a couple of flasks of coffee to keep you awake?"

"That would be wonderful, thank you," Jean-Luc said with a smile.

"I can also give you these," Elizabeth said, fishing around in her apron pocket. She extracted two gold badges emblazoned with the hotels logo. "When you want to return here, just press the button and say 'energise' and you will automatically transport back to the hotel lobby."

Jean-Luc made some quick arrangements for their trip, before continuing with Beverly to find their room. "Where are we going _up_ to?" Beverly questioned as they went inside their room.

"You will see soon enough," he answered cryptically.

Beverly walked over to the bed by the window, "How lovely! A four poster king bed! I bag this bed. I have to sleep by the window. Beverly's prerogative and all that…"

"I thought you would," he chuckled, walking across the room, through the privacy screens to find his own bed.

"She wasn't kidding when she said this room was huge," Beverly said looking around. She headed for the window, "I wonder what's out there. Its pitch black."

"Well it _is_ just past eight in the evening…"

"Are you sure we really need to go out there in this cold to see whatever it is you want me to see?" she asked sceptically.

"Yes," he answered. "At least we just need to walk there, we can transport back instantly. Put on your thermals and find us both a torch."

"A what? A fiery stick?"

"A flash light."

"Oh, okay. I'm glad I packed a couple along with my medi kit and a spare bio sink," she said sarcastically.

"Don't look now, but there is a replicator on the wall right beside you."

"Oh…" she said sheepishly. "That's good! I was panicking about you seeing my pyjamas…"

"What's wrong with your pyjamas?" he asked with a grin, returning to her side of the privacy screen.

"Wesley got them for me…" she said, regretting the fact she had mentioned them at all. "I've got the flash lights and I was already wearing my thermals. Medi kits in my back pack too, just in case. Let's go!"

"You have to sleep sometime…" Jean-Luc said, leaving his words hanging in the air menacingly as he left the room.

"Jean-Luc, there is replicator right by my bed…"

"That doesn't replicate clothing," he answered. "You really should learn to read the small print."

Beverly immediately turned around and headed back to the brass plate of instructions on the wall beside the replicator. Jean-Luc was right, it didn't replicate clothing. In fact, what you actually could replicate was very restricted. "Can you believe it doesn't replicate food either?" she asked, momentarily forgetting that Jean-Luc would now see her in her comfortable pink onesie that happened to be covered in pictures of cute kittens. Wesley had seen it on one of his '_travels'_ and had brought it back for her.

"Hence the reason Elizabeth is making our supper," Jean-Luc said as she caught him up.

It wasn't long before Beverly and Jean-Luc were out of the hotel and walking along a dark hilly path in companionable silence. Beverly was munching on a ham salad roll and had her torch in the other hand lighting their way. Jean-Luc had his eyes trained on his tricorder, making sure they were heading in the right direction.

"What the hell is that?" Beverly asked, stopping in her tracks when the outline of a building came into view in the distance. "A castle?"

"It might be," he answered cryptically.

"It looks creepy," she said unconsciously moving closer to him.

"I didn't plan on visiting in the dark," he replied.

"Well if it's any consolation I think Elizabeth was right about the snow," Beverly smiled, looking up at the millions of snowflakes falling around them. "It won't be long and we'll have three centimetres or so."

It was a few more minutes before either of them spoke again. "Is that where we are going?" she asked.

"Does it look like there is anything else up there on the hill?"

"No… Is this really just a hill?"

"Yes."

"It's not a small mountain?"

"Well actually, it's a mound."

"A mound?" for some reason, that amused her. She giggled.

"St Michael's Mound," he answered.

"Sounds serious…"

"It's been here for centuries," he said.

"And just what is that scary looking building up ahead? Is it a church?" she said, spying a bell tower and what appeared to be a clock face.

"It's a church," he replied.

"Jean-Luc, I don't mean to sound ungrateful but why are we going to a scary looking church in the dead of night in Nessy territory?"

"There is method in my madness."

"Well there never has been before…" she quipped. "No, but seriously," she continued. "What's up there?"

"A church!" he laughed.

"Jean-Luc, honestly I'm… sort of… nervous about going up there."

"There is nothing to be nervous about," he chuckled. "It's just a church."

A minute or two passed as they walked side by side along the well-travelled path. Soon the church loomed over them, menacing in the darkness.

She stopped and placed a hand on his arm, "Jean-Luc, I am this close to messing my pants…"

Jean-Luc couldn't help it; he burst into laughter at her expense.

"It's not funny!" she snapped, slapping his chest.

"You've been through so much in your life," he laughed. "Run into burning buildings, rescued people in minefields, fought Borg, commanded the flagship of the Enterprise in battle… and you're scared of this!"

"I didn't bring a phaser…" she said blushingly.

Jean-Luc laughed again, "it's okay. You have a flash light."

Beverly looked down at her measly torch in disgust. "I'm not going in there. I don't care what you say. I refuse to go in there."

"That's fine," he said with a grin. "We don't need to go inside."

"I'm not going through that gate either," she said, tugging her arm from his. "I'll stay right here."

Jean-Luc unlatched the gate and walked through, "You want to stay there all by yourself?" he asked, pleasure evident in his voice.

"Yes," she said in the most convincing voice she could muster.

It was less than thirty seconds before Beverly sidled up to him in the churchyard. She tucked her hand securely into the crook of his arm and refused to meet his beaming face.

"This is The Old High Church," he said. "It was built in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries and some parts of the church date right back to the fourteenth century."

Beverly glanced at his face, wondering why he had brought her here.

"In 1799," he continued, as they walked arm in arm along a neatly trimmed path. "A woman of high standing was buried here. She was the lady of the manor…"

"Drumlochie?" Beverly asked.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "The manor no longer exists, it was sadly abandoned and then left to go to ruin. The area was redeveloped in the early twentieth century. The manor house, Ben Dorrie belonged to the clan Burnett," he watched Beverly's head snap round to look at him.

"Burnett?" she repeated.

Jean-Luc nodded in response. "There," he said, pointing to his left and guiding her across a lawn that crunched beneath their feet.

Beverly turned and looked in the direction he was pointing. When her eyes finally landed on what Jean-Luc was moving towards, she stopped; her mouth agape.

Jean-Luc turned back to her, watching as she stood on the grass alone shivering, her eyes fixed to the words engraved on the gravestone.

"Frances Andrea Burnett," she whispered in awe. "The witch," she whispered more quietly.

Jean-Luc nodded, "She wasn't a witch Beverly," he said softly. "She was Lady of the Manor."

"Oh my god…" she breathed. "You found her…"

"It took a long while," he said. "I had to hire a professional genealogist. I knew you and this fine lady here had some unfinished business to attend to…"

She shivered and took a step towards the grave. "I can't believe it's survived all these years…"

"This church was granted Grade Two Listed status in the twentieth Century," he explained.

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"It meant that every effort was made to preserve it for future generations. This historic graveyard was also included. Luckily, Lady Burnett was of such importance, that she was given the honour of a small monument otherwise I'm sure it wouldn't be here."

Jean-Luc watched Beverly standing on the grass shivering as snow fell around them. He put his back pack down on the ground and carefully lifted out a bouquet of roses that Elizabeth had given him. "Beverly," he called softly.

She looked towards him and at the beautiful yellow roses he held in his hand.

"Yellow roses," he said softly. "They represent the promise of a new beginning."

Beverly's eyes filled with tears, as Jean-Luc pressed the flowers into her hands.

"I'll leave you two alone to talk," he said, squeezing her fingers. He walked a few steps away, making sure she could still see him, but that he was out of earshot. He watched as Beverly turned to the small monument and knelt down in the snow.

Beverly felt a little foolish knowing what she was about to do and she did not believe in curses in the first place. It was the seed of doubt and uncertainty that had held her back for many years. No matter what she had done to push it from her mind, nothing worked and she will still left with her irrational phobia.

She reached over and brushed the snow from Frances Burnett's name and slowly read the inscription.

In memory of

FRANCES ANDREA BURNETT

_WIFE OF DONALD__M__AC__PETRIE_

BORN SEPTEMBER 1732

DIED AUGUST 1799

"Frances, at last we finally meet," Beverly said softly. "I don't know what to say…" she confessed after a moment of silence. "I… I am Beverly Howard Crusher. You don't know me… I'm here on behalf of my great, great, great, well many great's, great grandmother Katherine Howard MacMichie. And on behalf of my family, I want to apologise for Katherine's behaviour towards your husband. I'm so sorry for the pain she caused you. It's been," Beverly did a quick calculation in her head, "about six hundred years now. I'm not sure if you really did put a curse on my family, but if you did… could you please see your way to remove it? I've lost four of the men I've loved. I lost my father as a small child, two weeks later my mother passed away too. I never met my grandfather; he died when my mother was a child, she had to grow up without a father too. So did my nana…" Beverly paused to wipe tears from her eyes. "See that man over there?" she asked softly. "He loves me. He has loved me for over thirty years. He's been my best friend for the past fifteen years and I've been in love with him for that long too. He's been there through thick and thin and I love him so much. I'm too scared to touch him because of this… curse. I don't want to lose him. I want to be with him and spend the rest of my life with him."

"These roses are for you," she said softly, laying the beautiful blooms on the frozen ground. "Jean-Luc said that they mean the promise of a new beginning. I want so much for a new beginning…"

Beverly wiped her eyes and looked over her shoulder at Jean-Luc, he was standing on the path a few metres away, kicking the snow on the ground while he waited for her to finish. "I want to marry him," she admitted softly. "He doesn't know that yet… Oh please, help me. If you could give me some sign," she asked desperately.

"Oh!" she gasped as she heard a scrape about half a metre away and watched the snow puffed up on the ground just to her right. As the snow settled, she noticed a small grey rabbit staring right back at her. Neither moved. The stalemate seemed to go on forever. Eventually the rabbit blinked and then turned and ran off in the direction of Jean-Luc, shooting right past his feet. So close that Jean-Luc gave a yelp of surprise. '_Was that a sign?_' she thought to herself.

Beverly smiled at his reaction. "Bye Frances," she said softly. "Rest in peace."

As she climbed to her feet, she felt strangely calm, relaxed and peaceful. It was as if she was enveloped in serenity and for a moment, it felt as though time had stopped and her senses were heightened. The snow seemed to fall in slow motion and she could make out the tiny details on each snowflake.

"Beverly?" Jean-Luc called, nearing her. She was standing, staring up into the night sky, allowing snowflakes to land on her face. "Are you alright?" he asked softly, taking her hand he pulled her gently to his side, making sure she was warm.

"Did you see the rabbit?" she asked, turning wide eyes towards him.

"I did," he answered. "It made me jump."

Beverly smiled and catching his eye, she studied him, taking in every detail. Something had changed and she wasn't quite sure what it was.

He smiled back at her, "How are you feeling?" he asked softly.

Instead of answering, she leaned forward and kissed his lips softly. She pulled back smiling when she saw Jean-Luc was smiling back, but with his eyes closed.

"Are you finished here?" he asked as he opened her eyes. "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"No I'm finished," she answered, smiling back at Frances' gravestone.

"Good, because curiosity certainly has got the best of me… I really want to see those pyjamas of yours."

Beverly raised one eyebrow, "What about the skin beneath them?" she asked seductively.

Both Jean-Luc's eyebrows shot up in response and his smile widened, "I wouldn't say no to that," he answered.

She laughed, looking back at the grave.

'_Look at me_,' he willed her silently. '_Turn your head and look at me_.'

And then she did. He didn't wait for a gold encrusted invitation or allow her time to change her mind. He pressed his lips to hers lightly, and then hovered there, hoping she would make a move. She didn't move, he pressed his lips to hers again, running the tip of his tongue across her lower lip. She sucked in a breath.

Her lips were soft and cool from the chilly air. He didn't pressure her; he wanted her to set the pace. Then it happened, she kissed him back. It was just the slightest movement of her mouth, but he felt it deep inside.

She sighed, her hands snaking up his back. God he was so good, feeling his way across her lips with the most tender of brushings. He kissed her sweetly and tantalisingly slowly, it was enough to have her aching for him.

He ran his tongue softly against her lip again, this time she opened her lips and met his tongue with her own. A slow spiral began and suddenly she was in his mouth, pushing against him, wanting to be as close as she possibly could.

She felt the need stir in him, the heat and the urgency making his body grow. She kissed him harder, feeling his fingers running through her hair.

Pulling away, Jean-Luc gazed into her glittering eyes, she was hungry for him.

"Marry me," she breathed.

Jean-Luc's mouth fell open, closed and then fell open again, "Did you just…"

"Yes I did," she smiled and laughed. "Answer me!"

Jean-Luc nodded his head in silence for a moment before he was able to rediscover the power of speech. "Yes," he finally said. "Yes I'll marry you!"

Beverly laughed, throwing her arms around him. She searched for his hands, holding them within hers. "New beginnings," she said softly, looking up at the night sky and the swirling white snowflakes.

Jean-Luc followed her gaze and echoed her sentiment, "New beginnings."

**The End**


End file.
